When I was a kid, I moved every few months. Now that I'm a parent, I focus on creating stability for my family.

• I moved frequently while I was growing up, and it was difficult for me to feel grounded.
• When I became a parent, I knew I wanted my kids to have more stability than I did.
• We have routines and a sense of family identity, though I do leave room for some spontaneity, too.

I grew up moving often, attending at least two schools every year of my childhood until my junior year. My record was four different schools in eighth grade. There weren't any specific reasons for most of the moves; we weren't a military family or moving due to work. My mom was just a bit flighty and had a hard time settling down anywhere, so she picked us up and left often. This made it incredibly hard to maintain friends or consistency in any area of my life.

I picked up the trumpet only to leave it behind when the next school didn't have classes. I learned to tolerate running cross country in the Illinois winter to trade it for Miami's humidity. Thanks to my time in Tennessee and Georgia, my accent constantly shifted from a Southern drawl to a neutral one, which allowed me to fit in outside the Southern states.

While these experiences instilled some qualities in me that I'm grateful for, such as ease in making friends and my love of experiencing new places, for me, the benefits didn't outweigh the negatives.

I had a hard time developing a sense of self or feeling grounded

Moving so often taught me to be a chameleon. I didn't spend time trying to figure out what I liked. Instead, I figured out what would make me the most acceptable version of myself to the most new people. I learned fairly early on that making friends was a pointless endeavor. I'd find myself with a best friend just before another move was announced. And then I'd find myself in a new town , friendless, and starting over again.

These experiences made it hard for me to form a strong sense of self or feel grounded. The coping mechanisms and behaviors I picked up to help me through this time, like being quick to let go of friendships or not feeling connected to any one place, served me well for childhood but ultimately became unhelpful when I started to settle into life as an adult. It took me a long time to unlearn those lessons and to let people into my life, and these weren't traits I wanted to cultivate in my kids.

As a parent, I focus on creating routines and stability

When I became a parent, I read about the benefits of routines for children and the security that familiarity provides. I prioritized creating a predictable routine for sleep and eating schedules during my kids' infancy and toddlerhood.

As they entered early childhood, we established clear rules around bedtimes, screen time, and how much candy is appropriate to eat, among other things. We have also stayed in the house we bought when I was pregnant with our first child nearly 13 years ago.

As they have grown, we have built family rituals such as Friday Family Night, where we take turns deciding what to do as a group. The only rule is that you cannot complain about the choice of the week, or you will lose your next turn to pick.

We have an advent calendar countdown to Christmas, an Easter party that friends near and far attend, and birthday traditions that span the entire day. These all add another layer of predictability to their lives and give our kids a sense of family identity and belonging. Plus, they are just plain fun.

I know I can't protect my kids from change, nor would I want to. But I hope that the scaffolding of predictable routines and rituals as a foundation in their lives will give them the support they need to handle big changes when they arise.

So far, such as when we lost their grandmother , our family dog died, or we had to figure out how to fly home from Amsterdam in mid-March of 2020 amid the start of the pandemic, it seems to have helped them have the skills they need to manage tough feelings around big events.

I leave room for some spontaneity, too

I don't want my kids to be too routine-driven, though, either, as I understand the value of flexibility and spontaneity. So, I try to give them opportunities to get out of their comfort zones , too. Whether that is new foods, travel, or just wiggle room in our usual rules and schedule, I want them to see potential joy in unknowns.

I just don't want those things to come at the expense of their ability to feel that there is a place where they belong that belongs to them. As a parent, I know I can't be perfect. But I can be predictable and give them a dependable home they can return to at any point.