A woman worried that her latest encounter with her biological son may have damaged their complex relationship triggers a somewhat volatile Reddit response, including accusations of abandonment and drug use.

An anonymous woman is worried she might have damaged her relationship with her biological son after their most recent conversation.

OP (a.k.a. the "Original Poster") took her story to Reddit's infamous AITA ("Am I the A--hole") forum to get some feedback about their complex relationship and what happened.

She wound up going back into her post with a lengthy edit after accusations of abandonment and drug use colored a wild, varied, and at times very ugly response from the Reddit community. But, there was also some solid advice sprinkled in there, as well.

Read on to find out what she said that set them off so badly.

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Don't Call Me Mom

"So long story short: when I (40F) was a teenager I had a baby and gave him up for adoption," OP launched her story. "I did this through an agency and one of the stipulations of the contract required the adoptive parents to provide my contact information to him after he was an adult so that if he ever wanted to contact me, he could."

She then explained that when he turned 18, he reached out and she agreed to meet. "We had a great visit and it was amazing getting to know the great young man he grew up to be," wrote OP. "We have kept in contact over the last couple years, I let him meet my kids and let him form a brotherly bond with them."

Everything was going well. "Then he started calling me Mom..."

OP said it "feels weird" for her when he does this, and "it feels disrespectful to his Mom who I think is amazing to be so forthcoming and supporting of him having a relationship with me and my family."

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She wrote that while she doesn't want to hurt her son, she "explained my feelings to him about a week ago and I haven’t heard from him since." OP went on to explain radio silence isn't necessarily unheard of in their relationship, but she's concerned "this particular bout of silence is due to him being upset and I am feeling guilty about it."

She then returned to her post with a couple of quick updates to clarify a lot of the responses she was getting, including attacks on her for giving him up in the first place, and even accusations she must have been on drugs. She explained he's currently 23, and then dropped a list of clarifications.

1. I gave him up at birth. He has never known me to be his mother and his adoptive Mom is his only Mom.
2. Giving him up was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. So to the people who say I rejected him, you have no idea what you’re talking about.
3. I went through an agency and specifically chose his parents from stacks and stacks of files. He has had a wonderful life full of so many more opportunities than my teenage self could have ever dreamed of giving him.
4. I didn’t just blurt out “Don’t call me mom” or “I am not your mom”. We had a conversation about it where I told him I was uncomfortable with it and he seemed understanding about it and where I was coming from.
5. He harbors ZERO feelings of abandonment or rejection. His parents are wonderful parents and he had a great life. His desire to meet me did not come from a “why did you abandon me” place. He was curious about me and wondered how much of his personality is nature vs nurture. (Spoiler alert, a LOT of his personality is nature). As an only child though, he was very excited to meet his brothers.
6. I don’t think he wanted to call me Mom because he felt some mother-son connection between us. He said that he felt like I deserve a title that is more than just “lady I got DNA from” especially around his brothers. I told him it is fine just to call me by my first name.
7. His bio father died of a drug overdose some years ago. And NO, I did not give him up because I was on drugs. I have never even smoked pot in my life.

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Boundaries v Rejection

While it's an incredibly sensitive topic, that triggered a wild array of reactions (see OP's above list for just a hint at those), the most popular response was actually both supportive and nuanced, while offering genuine advice.

Declaring NAH ("No A--holes Here"), which was the general consensus of OP's post, the commenter advised, "Reach out to your Son and ask if he is ok. Maybe clarify in writing that although your are his mother you don't feel that you deserve the title of Mother or Mom. That you value your relationship."

"OP, you are the older person here, step up and communicate," they urged. "Talk to him," agreed another commenter. "He’s adopted it’s a complex mix of feelings of rejection again."

This commenter and others suggested OP maybe consider "a title or name you would feel comfortable with. If Mom is what he calls his parent and it feels disrespectful to take the same title is there a name he could call you instead?"

OP said that's how they got into this situation, commenting, "He said he felt I needed a title that was more significant than 'lady who gave me DNA.' I told him he could just call me by my first name." By the same token, OP said she does not refer to him as "son."

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In another comment, OP explained her position a bit more. "Honestly, it feels uncomfortable because I am not his Mom. I have not done one single, solitary motherly thing for him in his entire life," she wrote. "I wasn’t the one who raised him and did all the Mommy things. I don’t know if 'not deserving' is the way to explain it, but I definitely did not do anything for him that would earn me that title."

Another reader told her, "You've gone far beyond what many birth mothers are willing to do. You didn't reject him. Instead you are respecting the relationship he has with his mother. He'll get over it. Give him some time. Reach out to his mother if you're worried."

There was sympathy for the son's point of view, though, with one Redditor commenting, "I feel so bad for the son. It's like he is also her child at the end of the day and so doing this must have made him feel really unwanted (I would feel unwanted and hurt too)."

"Imagine hearing that from the same mom that put you up for adoption," marveled another. "Adoptive kids already have to work thru the identity issues and wondering why you gave them up. but then to meet and think things are great but uhhh don't call me mom. ugh heartbreaking."

Another adoptee echoed this sentiment, writing, "You gave birth to him. Your DNA is inside him. He dealt with abandonment and wants to have a relationship with you. Just let him call you Mom for crying out loud I can't imagine abandoning my kids that's crazy." Another went in even harder, writing, "You shouldn't have been f--king if you didn't want a son calling you mom."

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Several Redditors noted "a large anti-adoption wave on TikTok that romanticizes birth families, villainizes adoptive parents, and leaves zero room for nuance even by normal social media standards," with one commenter blasting, "Blatantly speaking, adoption is never the best option, it's just the lesser of two evils."

One adoptee referred to this "wave" as well, writing, "I've literally been told that I should've been aborted as opposed to being adopted because of the trauma I must be experiencing. I'm 49 years old. Whatever trauma I had was processed a long time ago. Now I'm just trying to live my life."

One commenter felt for OP through all the muck of these responses, writing, "Say that Woman can't win without saying woman can't win. Woman has an unplanned unwanted pregnancy. If she keeps the baby she's an irresponsible teen mum. She aborts the baby she's a murder. She puts it up for adoption she has abandoned her baby."

Another adoptee tried to explain that "there’s so many nuanced & complex emotions that are held in such a duality that non-adoptees just can’t comprehend," adding that "reunion itself is so incredibly complex," noting that all adoptee responses and takes are as different as they are.

Others felt OP was well within her rights to establish boundaries. "And did he bother asking op if she’s comfortable with the title? It can’t all be a one way street," wrote one. "Women can have boundaries and emotions."

Another agreed, writing, "We talk about adoption a lot, but usually from the pov of the adoptee. The parents who give their children up for adoption also go through emotional trauma as well. It sounds like you are trying to develop a relationship with your son that is healthy. For you, this might mean he needs to find another way to refer to you. You are not in the wrong to want this."

What do you think?

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