Understanding Fear of Abandonment & How to Cope and Heal

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Relationships are hard enough without complications from deep-seated fears

Being involved with someone who has abandonment wounds can cause them to push you away due to their fear of being left by those who love them. My ex used to tell me that he did not believe I loved him. This left me feeling like I was walking on eggshells and could not do enough or anything right. I began to study abandonment wounds, and today, I will share what I learned, starting with the fact that it is not you who is doing anything wrong, but instead their deep fear of being physically or emotionally disconnected or left.

Sadly, the fear of abandonment is one of the most common and self-defeating fears. The person with this fear often has self-sabotaging habits and behavior that ultimately cause the person they love to leave the relationship; what a terrible self-fulfilling prophesy. I did leave my ex after five years because I realized it wasn't a lack of my love but a lack of his acceptance of love. Even the slightest compliment made him uncomfortable.

Causes of Abandonment Wounds and Fear

• Childhood abuse, neglect, or abandonment by a parent or caregiver.
• Being denied affection and emotional connection growing up.
• Relationships ending abruptly.
• Death, divorce, or a parent moving far away as a child.
• Insecure attachment styles
• Mental Health Conditions
• Betrayal

Behaviors of Someone with Fear of Abandonment:

• Quick to jump into a relationship.
• An insecure attachment style can cause a push-pull effect.
• Short relationships because of the fear of getting attached.
• Insecurity and subconscious fear of being unworthy
• Jealousy
• Difficulty trusting
• Clingy or neediness

There are treatments available, including cognitive behavioral therapy, Tuning into your inner child through play and creativity, and learning to reparent yourself.

Coping & Healing Practices

• Recognize your triggers and learn to self-soothe
• Be mindful and aware that not everything you think is true. Thoughts get distorted when we are in a heightened state of emotion. Do not assume you know what your partner is thinking; instead, communicate clearly and ask for feedback.
• Set boundaries that let your partner know your needs.

Final Thoughts

Find your tribe. What does that mean? It means surrounding yourself with like-minded people who inspire you and support your life's vision. Humans are hard-wired for connection. This will alleviate all of the pressure on your significant other.

Quiet the inner critic. Learn to speak kindly and practice compassion for yourself.

Finally, someone who suffers from the fear of abandonment should consider coaching to raise emotional intelligence. Often, when we experience childhood trauma, our emotional intelligence stops at that age. So fighting with your partner might feel like you are engaging with a child throwing a temper tantrum. Raising Emotional Intelligence provides the skills necessary to navigate relationships, including boosting confidence, good communication skills, and empathy.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Feel free to comment and tell me if you have a fear of abandonment. What happened to you in childhood is not your fault. You are worthy of love, and you are lovable.

Peace & Light,

Libby