Self-care: Selfish Or Self-respecting?

A culture of collectivism

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” – Buddha

Our sense of self has been molded by both internal factors, like personality, values, core beliefs, and external factors, like society, community and shared culture. It is intricate with many layers, and it is likely that we cannot unearth all aspects of ourselves in our lifetime.

If you are a first-generation immigrant from India, you have been exposed to living in a collectivistic culture, either in joint families or with deeply engaged relatives. While this social construct provides a sturdy support system, it can become burdensome to always prioritize group needs over individual ones, limiting personal development and self-discovery. In such a society, focusing on individual needs is often discouraged.

I remember growing up in Chennai, India, with my parents and extended family, where ‘duty’ preceded personal aspirations and self-care. They were committed to fulfilling their role until they departed this world, a promise that often limited personal development and, in some cases, led to a lifetime of stifled hope and settlement.

Over the past couple of decades, however, these family and societal expectations have been changing. There is a growing recognition for the need to build self-esteem and focus on self-care.

Self-care , self-esteem and self compassion

Self-esteem stems from our perceived achievements and how they make us feel good, while self-compassion is about the attitude we have towards ourselves. Self-care refers to acts of kindness towards oneself, whereas self-compassion pertains to regarding oneself kindly.

The common belief in our culture is that self-compassion equates to selfishness or narcissism. Most of us were not taught how to be compassionate to ourselves while growing up. We are always told to show compassion or put other people’s needs first.

I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.” — Kristen Neff

Be compassionate to yourself

Being compassionate to ourselves is the highest form of self-care; combined with empathy and loving kindness, it can be soothing and healing. At the end of the day, we have to live with our inner voice—how you take care of it is up to you.

When you make mistakes, accept them as a natural part of the human experience rather than punishing yourself with severe criticism, self-reproach, and negative judgment.

The critical inner monologue you experience isn’t solely your own creation; rather, it’s a confluence of external influences including family, culture, and social norms that have shaped your thought processes. It’s crucial to take a moment to acknowledge, reflect, and discern the origins of this internal voice, consider whose voice it echoes, and evaluate whether it benefits you.

“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love” — Brene Brown

Kristen Neff , a psychologist, has written a book about self-compassion. When we have strong emotions of grief and sadness, we can hold them in our minds in a more gentle and accepting way. The goal is not to eradicate it. Neff adds that the more we resist such thoughts, the more negative thoughts persist, and this is when Mindfulness Meditation can come in as a tool. Mindfulness Meditation helps us hold on to these difficult feelings and validate them with empathy and loving-kindness. It is like re-parenting yourself.

“It’s like a mother, when the baby is crying, she picks up the baby and she holds the baby tenderly in her arms. Your pain, your anxiety is your baby. You have to take care of it. You have to go back to yourself, to recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering, and you get relief.”— Thich Nhat Hanh

Exercises for self-compassion

Journaling — Writing down your thinking patterns can ease the burden of holding it all in. Externalizing your thoughts in this way helps us observe and analyze its origins.

Therapy – Seeking therapy can assist you in observing negative thought patterns with a professional and developing tools to address and manage them.

Supportive relationships – Surround yourself with people who you can share your journey with, and who support and nurture you.

Avoid comparisons – Steer clear of comparisons. Measuring yourself against others can breed envy and resentment, potentially damaging your relationships and personal contentment.

Ease up on perfectionism – Imposing excessively high standards or goals may lead to internal stress or anxiety, affecting our well-being when outcomes don’t align with our plans. The dread of failing might drive one toward isolation and contribute to a negative self-perception.

Tara Brach , a psychologist and a meditation teacher, created RAIN – a practice of self compassion.

The acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing mindfulness and compassion using the following four steps:

• R ecognize what is happening;
• A llow the experience to be there, just as it is;
• I nvestigate with interest and care;
• N urture with self-compassion.

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

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