Do you have the power to choose a better path?Photo by(Wirestock/Envato Elements)

The Disney film Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs remains one of the best examples of parental narcissistic abuse in pop culture. The evil stepmother, possessed by jealousy over her beautiful, popular daughter, sets out to destroy her — by offering temptation after temptation meant to sabotage her happiness and her life.

Being raised by a narcissist is much the same. It’s a life-long game of hide and seek. Running from perpetual jealousy and resentment, the children of this toxic parenting archetype have to face endless sabotage and the twisted scheming of someone who hates themselves more than anyone else in the room.

This type of childhood sends survivors into the world with a warped sense of self and a warped sense of what it means to have a connection with other people. All of this shows up in the way survivors form relationships. Unless conscious changes are made, they can carry on their narcissistic parents' patterns by taking on some of their toxic traits and behaviors.

Becoming the perfect victim.

Movies like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are comforting because they paint good and evil in such a black and white picture. The villains are easy to see and the victims are always complete martyrs, hard-done-by and rarely more than one dimensional. Real life is more complicated. It isn’t like the movies.

As villainous as a narcissist may be, they don’t create victims who are entirely innocent. Unfortuantely, a small number of survivors can take on the traits of their abusers, especially when they’ve spent decades in that abuser’s care. Especially when they have no other clear example of how to treat others (or themselves).

In real life, recovering from narcissistic abuse is complicated. Not only are survivors required to look brutal truths about their narcissistic parents in the face, but they also have to look themselves in the face as well. While never deserving of the pain inflicted, being a victim doesn’t absolve one of the ability to be toxic and abusive in turn.

Once survivors stop painting themselves into the corner of the perfect victim, the lifelong martyr — pretending that they are a damsel in distress, helpless, and in need of rescue — and get real about who they are and how they have fully been affected, real change is possible.

When you’re raised by narcissists, you pick up their worst behaviors.

Narcissistic parents inflict unknowable harm on their children. There’s another layer to that, too. They don’t just hurt their children psychologically. They teach their children how to treat others poorly and how to treat themselves poorly as well. Consider the realities.

Many of the behaviors that children develop come from mimicking parents and peers. If the only example set in childhood is narcissistic behaviors from parents, what are they most likely to learn? You can break these behaviors down into two categories: the way narcissists treat others and the way they treat themselves.

The Way They Treat Others

If narcissistic people didn’t treat other people with total disregard, there wouldn’t really be a problem. Although they tend to be their own biggest saboteurs, the harm they inflict on their partners and children remains their greatest threat in terms of relationships. Those behaviors are some of the first that their children pick up on, and some even grow up to weaponize these traits against other people in their lives:

• Disregard for other’s emotions
• Willingness to “blow up” or lash out
• Manipulative and toxic behaviors

Narcissists, more than anything else, have a complete disregard for the emotions of others. It’s their empathy deficit. The children of narcissistic parents watch them discard people, run them down, and destroy their self-esteem (often for no reason). The children themselves are often victims of that same treatment. It’s one of their first examples of interpersonal relationships.

Likewise, it’s very common for the children of narcissistic parents to watch their caretakers mistreat spouses and strangers alike. One moment, there will be love and closeness. Things change quickly with a narcissist, however, and most have no problem lashing out and manipulating the people closest to them.

If these behaviors are never corrected, if healthy boundaries are never displayed, what else does the child learn to mimic? When the poor treatment of others is the only way you’re taught to relate, that’s what you’re likely to go into the world to repeat.

The Way They Treat Themselves

Contrary to popular belief, narcissistic people don’t create shimmering golden lives for themselves. Entitled to this though they feel, most fail to ever create that life because their insecurities and shortcomings leave them constantly at-odds with their own needs and desires. They’re directed by external validation and a desire to prove that they’re the best person, above all others.

Children see this dichotomy, and it affects their outlook and behavior in their adult lives, even if they don’t become full-blown narcissists themselves. They witness the narcissistic parent grandiose on the one hand and then fail on the other:

• Emotionally unfulfilled
• Lives lacking meaning
• Always at odds with themselves

Because narcissists chase what they believe will bring external validation, they often choose lives that look good outwardly while aligning little with their true needs. Think about the narcissist who becomes a politician when they would have thrived as an artist or musician. The narcissist feels driven to create life as a “perfect mother” when their core desires are totally at odds with that lifestyle.

The life of a narcissist very often lacks deeper meaning short of maintaining their many masks in the face of the public. It’s an exhausting game. It burns them out, burns them down, and can leave them in the shell of a life that doesn’t at all reflect the grand opinion of self they claim to have on the outside.

This is a pattern their children often copy, even if they don’t become narcissists. Having only the example the narcissistic parent set, they can come to think that leading a “happy” life is leading a life that gets the approval of others. That’s a dangerous road to travel.

Honesty and self-reflection are better paths.

Rather than creating the image of a perfect victim, survivors of narcissistic abuse thrive better when they commit to a more honest way of living. Holding shades of the monster who raised one doesn’t make one an abuser. It makes one hurt, vulnerable, and in need of help to get back onto a path of compassion and wholeness.

Being more realistic (and kind)

Being a narcissist and a non-narcissist is not black and white. It truly is a spectrum, and the lines can blur quickly when you’ve been straddling them. Instead of pretending we are “nothing like” the narcissists who raised us, it’s often more helpful to take a realistic approach. Understand that, developmentally, we grow up mimicking our parents — even if we don’t like or respect the way that they act.

Take a step back and take an honest look at every facet of life. What is there? Relationships in which you get more than you give? Harsh words meant to wound innocent people? A willingness to shut down? To shut out others or prioritize your glee (at the cost of someone else’s suffering)?

No one is perfect, even in their victimhood. Just because we have been hurt does not mean that we cannot hurt others in turn. That’s very often what we do. To break the cycle of narcissistic behaviors, we have to be radically honest with our shadows as much as anyone else. On that path lies true healing.

Taking accountability

Acknowledging the nasty traits and behaviors we’ve picked up is a starting point, not a stopping point. Once you have acknowledged reality, it’s your responsibility to fix what’s damaged (and within your spheres of control) within that reality. That can’t happen without accountability. You have to admit where you’ve gone wrong and then change your behaviors to put it right.

Shift into a higher state of honesty. Be upfront about what you’ve gotten wrong and who you’ve hurt in the process. Say it out loud to yourself in front of the mirror. To take it a step further, apologize to the people you’ve hurt directly — no excuses and no justifications.

Frome there, you’re empowered to do better and to be better. Laying it all on the table with the people you love, sharing a commitment to do better by them, that’s the real test of your goodness and your desire to heal. If you really want to be different than the narcissists who raised you, you will take the action to change who you are.

Relearning your approach

A great portion of our relationship skills are learned through observation. We watch our peers expand into relationships and we mimic them to get similar results. So much of our interpersonal relationship skills are first built in the home, however, with the relationships that are built between parent and child, child and sibling.

If raised in a narcissistic home, the perspective on these behaviors can become warped. Watching the narcissistic parent pull strings, wear masks, and assign family members to conflict-causing roles informs how the child sees themselves and how they see their ability to get what they want out of others.

Worse, survivors may learn how to see the general outlook of their life by the way their narcissistic parent treats themselves and other people. All of that can only be corrected by literally learning healthier ways to connect with people. Instead of simply repeating the pattern, survivors must take the initiative to re-educate themselves on healthy psychological bonds.

Getting professional help

As a survivor, there’s no greater show of commitment to change than getting professional help. It’s the one thing that can divide many survivors from their narcissistic abusers when you see the patterns they create later in life. Narcissistic people have the ability to get better, but it requires years of professional help. That’s where most of them make the choice to stay the same.

Survivors have the choice to break their patterns by making better choices. That includes getting professional help to tame and change the most narcissistic behaviors and beliefs that have been picked up along the way. It helps them to heal their wounds and reign in their insecurities before they are pushed down the path of their narcissistic caretakers.

There’s nothing embarrassing or diminishing about getting professional help. It’s a sign of true humility and love for self, which is something a narcissistic parent will never truly know.

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Survivors of narcissistic parents are saddled with a great deal of pain. They spend decades competing with the delusions and can find themselves incredibly lost in the end. As adults, however, survivors have a choice. They can choose to be better. Survivors of narcissistic parents can choose not to keep taking the apple. New behaviors, beliefs, and relationship patterns can be learned.

Are you a survivor? Are you still trying to make sense of your narcissistic parent and the way they raised you? Don’t give up, and don’t give in to the shadows. Make a stand now. After all, you still have the rest of your life to be happy. That’s worth something. Remember how much you’re worth and embrace this moment to be better than how you were raised.

Weinberg I, Ronningstam E. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Progress in Understanding and Treatment. Focus (Am Psychiatr Publ). 2022 Oct;20(4):368-377. doi: 10.1176/appi.focus.20220052. Epub 2022 Oct 25. PMID: 37200887; PMCID: PMC10187400.