An ‘Aha’ Conversation Across Time

An Aha Moment

We have all experienced ‘aha’ moments and ‘aha’ conversations. As thoughts and experiences jostle leading to an unexpected, startling moment of clarity, an ‘aha’ moment strikes like a jolt of lightning.

On the other hand, ‘aha’ conversations linger and stay in the mind as loops of film – what was said and what was heard resonates for years, decades even. As time passes, the warm patina of the past and the soft cadence of the words once heard changes – slowly, the colors become bright and clear – the hushed tone of the words becomes loud and insistent –  life’s experiences help those ‘aha’ conversations take on new and urgent meaning.

A Conversation with My Guru

Recently, one such ‘aha’ conversation with my abhinaya guru Kalanidhi Narayanan bubbled to the surface with startling clarity in the most unlikely of situations. I remember the conversation well – Mami as I affectionately called her, sat cross-legged on the floor, her song notebook open on an Indian, wooden, carved book holder.  Across from her, I sat ready to soak in lessons in abhinaya , the art of nuanced storytelling in Bharatanatyam.

The late afternoon tropical sun lit the neatly arranged room as she said, “Our epics continue to exist to help us recognize people around us – they help us live. Look at each character next to the main characters in our epics – Dasharatha, Kaikeyi, Ravana, Vidura, Gandhari – they live amongst us today.”

“As a young girl, I often wondered if there could be someone like Krishna’s mother Devaki, a figure that had to face tragedy after tragedy. As an adult, I came across a Devaki – she did not lose seven children as delineated in the epics  – but, the circumstances of her life have been so tragic. Tragedy envelops her or a close family member in every conceivable form – health, financial trouble,  relationship stress, and more. Every time I think that there cannot be a greater shock to befall a fellow human being, she is felled to the ground, she slowly stands up,  and unfailingly, yet another huge wave knocks her down.”

“So, now that I have met Devaki, a character I thought I would never meet in my lifetime,  what is there to doubt in this truth? Each of these epics is played out again and again; these characters live and breathe amongst us.” She said these words with a conviction borne of experiencing the vicissitudes of life – the ups, the downs, and the various in-between moments as we each try to paddle through the currents that carry us forward. Here was my teacher, with unmistakable streaks of gray in her hair, looking at verse and poem with eyes borne of a wisdom that could only come with age.

Finding truth in the stories

I came to the conversation as a supremely confident, somewhat naive young woman – even in that moment, I knew the import the words carried, but, there was no felt experience within me to make them truly lodge in my heart.

Like the white frothiness atop waves that beat against a sandy seashore, I was merely skimming the surface of life – reading, writing, and interpreting lyrics from the epics with a sincerity borne of boundless determination and a certain naivete,  that is a hallmark of the young. I had not yet grasped the meaning of those words with the gift of life’s myriad experiences. And, recently, the truth in that conversation bubbled up in my mind. I relived that ‘aha’ conversation with my teacher.

As I write these words with the warm light of summer pouring in through the window today, the warmth on my skin reminds me of the palpable energy, restlessness, and ambition that fueled those formative years as an artist.

I could feel the palpable energy of the young dancer that I once was – I could feel the restlessness to move forward and to assert beating within me at that time.

With that fiery youthful energy a mere memory today, I sit back to look at verse and epic anew with a curiosity borne of experience not restlessness, wondering within – have I understood at least some of these characters and the lessons they are trying to teach me? Do I have the wisdom to recognize epic characters who practically leap off the page to walk and talk to me today?

As I turn the pages of the epic story in front of me, I wonder – can I sit with the words, the epics and the stories in silence and recognition as my guru once did?

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