Hidden Rudeness: 6 Signs of Disguised Rudeness

Rudeness is often an attempt to imitate strength. It is a behavior that weak and dissatisfied people use to assert themselves by putting others down.

While overt rudeness is easy to spot – yelling, insults, or outright contempt – there is a more insidious form that can be just as damaging: covert rudeness. This subtle form of disrespect may not be immediately obvious, but it can gradually erode your confidence and self-esteem.

Why are people rude? Let's figure it out.

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The Psychology Behind Rudeness

Rudeness often stems from deep-seated insecurity. A person who feels inadequate may use rude behavior to compensate for their low self-esteem. Their targets are usually people they perceive as weaker or less likely to retaliate, or those they envy for having something they desire. Sometimes, the person may not even be fully aware of their behavior, acting out of habit or unconscious motives.

As the famous psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, "To change a person, you have to change his perception of himself."

Unfortunately, those who engage in covert rudeness often lack this awareness, which leads them to behave in ways that are harmful to others.

Here are 6 common forms of hidden rudeness:

1. Disguised insult: jokes that hurt.

One of the most common forms of covert rudeness is the disguised insult—a joke that cuts to the quick. A person may laugh and say they were “just kidding,” but the underlying message is intended to hurt. These so-called jokes are not about humor; they are about asserting dominance or superiority by making the other person feel inferior.

How to protect yourself :

If you find a joke offensive, it's okay to say, "I didn't like that joke." This response puts the spotlight back on the person who made the comment, forcing them to reconsider their words.

2. Backhanded compliment

Another subtle form of rudeness is the backhanded compliment, a seemingly positive comment that actually contains a hidden insult. For example, someone might say, “You’re so brave wearing that outfit,” implying that the outfit doesn’t suit you. These comments are intended to undermine your confidence while appearing polite or supportive.

How to protect yourself : Respond with a simple "Thank you" or phrase the compliment in a way that doesn't come off as offensive. For example, "I really like this outfit, don't you?"

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3. Non-verbal rudeness: actions speak louder than words

Sometimes rudeness is expressed without words at all. A disdainful look, an exaggerated sigh, or an eye roll can all convey contempt without a single word being spoken. These nonverbal cues are often overlooked, but they can be just as dangerous as verbal abuse.

How to protect yourself : If you notice someone being nonverbally rude, handle it calmly. You could say, “I noticed you seem upset—is that okay?” This approach draws attention to their behavior and opens the door to a more honest conversation.

4. Disregard for agreements

Rudeness can also manifest itself in disregard for agreements – being consistently late, breaking promises, or ignoring established rules. This behavior shows disrespect for your time and contribution and can disrupt the harmony of any group or relationship.

How to protect yourself : Set clear boundaries and emphasize the importance of mutual respect. For example, “It’s important to me that we stick to our agreements. Can we make a plan to be more punctual?”

5. Selective Ignoring: Listen Only When It's Convenient

Selective ignoring occurs when someone chooses to ignore parts of a conversation that they don't care about or don't want to acknowledge. This can make you feel like your thoughts and opinions don't matter, which can lead to frustration and self-doubt.

How to protect yourself : Continue the conversation by asking for feedback or clarification on points that were ignored. For example, “I’d really like to hear your thoughts on what I mentioned earlier.”

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6. Devaluation: Undermining Your Value

Devaluation is the act of subtly belittling your accomplishments, character traits, or efforts. It may come in the form of a sarcastic remark about something you're proud of or a disparaging comment about your work. This kind of rudeness undermines your self-esteem, often causing you to question your own worth.

How to protect yourself: Be firm in your self-esteem and don’t let others belittle your accomplishments. You could respond, “I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and would appreciate your support.”

Rudeness, whether overt or subtle, is unacceptable. It’s important to recognize these subtle signs of disrespect and take steps to protect your mental and emotional well-being. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and it’s okay to set boundaries when someone’s behavior crosses the line.

As the philosopher Epictetus once said, “It’s not what happens to you that matters, but how you react to it.”

Teach yourself to recognize hidden rudeness and react in a way that preserves your dignity and self-esteem.

Have you encountered such forms of rudeness in your life? Share your experience in the comments!