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Looking back at our childhoods can be a complicated thing. On one hand, we remember things as rosy and simple. But there are other memories, too, and many that closely tie in with our parents and our caretakers. Were you raised by someone who always looked out for you? Or was your parent someone who seemed to put their interests first? When we grow up as the children of narcissistic parents, healing becomes paramount and the primary pathway to happiness.

Our parents aren’t always who we think they are.

As children, we look up to our caretakers as the first examples of love and connection in this life. From there, they become our idols. We copy the way in which they lead their lives, and we internalize and raise up the behaviors they throw our way. They set the stage for who we become and how we build relationships in our adult lives. But our parents aren’t always who we think they are, nor do they always hold our best interests at heart.

The covertly narcissistic parent grooms their child for abuse later in life.

The covert narcissist is not someone who only lurks on the edges of our intimate relationships. They can also be our parents and the first people we look up to. Growing up as the victim of such a person is damaging, but spotting that damage and recovering from it isn’t always easy. In order to heal, we have to be honest about the signs of a narcissistic parent in our lives and take committed and mindful action. Action that empowers us to move forward in happiness with our own lives.

Signs your parent was a closet narcissist.

Was your mother or father a closet narcissist? Did you have a caretaker who saw more to their own physical and emotional needs than your own? It’s not always easy to spot the signs of such a parent, but it’s a crucial first step on our journey to healing. We have to admit who our parents were and what happened to us — no matter how subtly.

Conflicting images

A common sign of the narcissistic masquerading as a parent is a confusion of images. In public, the parent paints an image of themselves which is very different from reality of their private lives. The child sees this, becomes confused, and is left with cognitive dissonance. For the rest of your life, you try to make sense of who the world says your parent is versus who they are to you when the doors close.

Irregular reinforcement

Our parents are supposed to provide stable and regular reinforcement, both materially and emotionally. We should know that our parents love us at all times, not just when we do well or meet certain goals. This type of intermittent validation confuses the child and teaches them that they are worthless without the validation of others. Push-pull dynamics such as this creates children who prioritize love of others over love of self.

Hiding behind assumptions

Closet narcissists don’t operate in the open. Their abuse is subtle and often requires a degree of “camouflage” in order to work. Very often, the narcissistic parent will hide behind cultural and societal assumptions in order to hide their abuse. That is to say, they will lean into what society says a parent is to project an image that hides their abuse and neglect. If they are questioned, they gaslight the child by leaning into the cultural narrative that “all parents want the best for their child”.

Always playing the victim

Victimhood is another clever way to hide abuse, and it’s one the closet narcissist knows well. Rather than admit to their mistakes or address their manipulation, they will assume the victim's role and shift responsibility from themselves onto the children or other victims. They attempt to garner sympathy in order to gain attention from their children and others outside the family. It’s another way to control and manipulate situations to their will while diverting from their original behavior and intentions.

Good cop, bad cop

One of the most subtle ways in which a closet narcissist abuses their children unseen is by creating a “good cop, bad cop” dynamic (Hall, 2018). They pair themselves with an overtly abusive partner so that they look good by comparison. This allows them a greater range of manipulation and allows them greater plausible deniability when their children grow older and begin to question their behavior and their motives.

Reaching for microaggression

Microaggression is a common tool of the narcissist, and the same goes for the narcissistic parent — both covert and overt. The closet narcissist may be competitive, envious, and prone to hostile attacks. They may also use oversight, vicious slips of the tongue, procrastination, mean-spirited “humor”, harmful help, or manipulative concern in order to harm you or break down your sense of self. A child raised in this manner can never feel certain of themselves or those they trust.

Indirect manipulation

Indirect manipulation is one of the hardest (and most important) signs of a narcissistic parent to spot. This includes behaviors like dismissal, redirection, minimizing, gaslighting, and even triangulation. While they wreck their child’s sense of stability and self, they always keep just enough space to maintain plausible deniability. When questioned, they are able to flip the script, shift blame, and make themselves look innocent, as though all they wanted was the absolute best for the child first and foremost.

The best ways to heal from narcissistic childhood abuse.

Waking up to the reality of your childhood is a powerful initiating step. From there, you can become motivated to heal and right the wrongs in your life. Getting there, though, requires that you fall in love with yourself first, reach out for the right help, and learn to take things compassionately and one day at a time.

1. Fall in love with yourself first

Don’t even think about healing yourself (or your relationship with your parents) until you learn how to respect and love yourself first. This must be both the foundation and the catalyst for all major — and lasting — change in our lives. Fall in love with yourself first, and a world of realization will open up to you. Appreciating yourself makes you realize just how little others have appreciated you all along.

Until you fall in love with yourself and learn to honor yourself, you will continue to be lost in the confusion and the heartache from childhood. You have to be willing to put yourself first in order to see what was done to you and take the steps you need to heal. Loving yourself is a necessary first step in letting go of your need from love and resolution from your parents.

Focus first on all the positives you love about yourself and your body. Name your strengths every day while you look in the mirror. When you come home at night, write down at least three things you did well or three positive experiences that made you feel good about yourself. Do this every day until you are also able to embrace your weaknesses and see them as a part of the total, worthy package that you are.

2. Reach for greater knowledge

Knowledge is an invaluable asset when it comes to healing our trauma and realizing our core truths. We can’t heal wounds we don’t know about, and some wounds we have to heal are in places we aren’t aware of. To get the ball rolling, we have to build our database of knowledge. This lets us take off the rose-tinted glasses and see our childhood relationships with our parents for what they truly are.

Before you take action and get your hands dirty making major overhauls in your child-parent relationships, take some time to arm yourself in knowledge. Learn everything you can about covert narcissism, and how it can manifest through the actions and behaviors of parents.

There is an endless fountain of resources out there that can help boost your perspective and the way in which you see narcissism and parenthood. When you learn everything you can about this type of abuse, you can come to see incidences in your own childhood. You can receive the validation you’ve been looking for all these years. It’s a great starting place and one that can give us the courage to move forward toward happiness.

3. Find a mental health expert

Although it’s one of the truths we least like to admit, recovering is not a process most of us can manage on our own. Whether we need help from day 1, or we find we only need a little boost from time to time, mental health experts are very often necessary for healing and pointing us in the right direction of that healing. We have to do the work, but they can be an invaluable helping hand.

Like it or not, it’s not always possible to recover from narcissistic abuse on our own — especially when it involves childhood memories. Sometimes, we need the help of a mental health expert in order to peel back those layers and reveal the deeper truths that can unlock our peace and greater perspective.

You’re not an island on your own, and you don’t have to be. It’s never been easier to access someone with experience that can help you thrive. Let go of the shame you’ve been holding on to and embrace living in the light full time. Open up to a professional you can trust and slowly get to the root of your childhood and adolescent experiences. Then, you can allow yourself to open up to friends and loved ones that you trust.

4. Extend some extra compassion

We don’t doubt the power of compassion when it comes to helping our friends and loved ones, but we very rarely extend that same compassion to ourselves when we’re suffering. Do you really want to get past the narcissistic abuse of your childhood? Instead of turning all that love and care outward, spend some time turning it inward instead.

Be compassionate with yourself and be kind. Imagine you were helping a friend or loved one. Would you punish them for the pain they’re feeling? Would you taunt them or shame them for not being as happy as everyone else around them?

Stop reserving your empathy only for those outside of yourself. Healing from the abuse of a narcissistic parent requires that you learn how to love yourself and value yourself and your needs. Begin that process with compassion. We are not responsible for how other people choose to treat us. We can take responsibility for who we choose to allow into our lives and into our hearts, though.

5. Take things one day at a time

The damage caused by a narcissistic parent doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t stop in childhood. It’s a process that takes place over years, and it can continue right into our adult relationships with our parents. It’s important that we understand getting back to ourselves can take just as much time. That’s why we have to take things as they come and embrace our journey day-by-day.

Extend a little understanding to yourself and learn to take things one day at a time. You’re not always going to get things right, and you’re not always going to feel great on this road to getting yourself back. Make allowances for that and know that you always have another day and another chance to get where you want to be.

Don’t punish yourself when you feel negative thoughts while working back in. Don’t get angry or start self-flagellating simply because you go back to that dark place or give in to their taunts. Healing is a process that’s filled with ups and downs. You have to get through the valleys just as you have to climb the high peaks. It’s all a part of the overall journey, and it’s part of discovering who we really are — through the good and the bad.

Where to go from here…

Were you the child victim of a closet narcissist? Did your parents or caretakers put themselves and their image over your happiness and development? It’s not always easy to spot the signs cloaked in childhood memory. Allowing ourselves to see the truth can be transformative, too. It’s the first step in a long journey to finding peace and healing. Getting to our final destination requires compassionate and mindful action, though.

Fall in love with yourself first and foremost. You need to know who you are and love that person in order to find the courage to endure ties, heal, and let go as needed. Arm yourself in knowledge and use that knowledge to encourage your continued growth and realization.

Find a mental health expert who can help bolster your journey and remove the shame or stigma you might feel about addressing the narcissistic abuse of your childhood. Extend extra compassion to yourself and be as understanding of your ups and downs as you would be for a friend or loved one.

Above all else, though, take things one day at a time. You weren’t damaged overnight, and you won’t find healing overnight. Take it easy and be kind to yourself.

Hall, J. (2018). Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens -. Retrieved 4 February 2021, from https://narcissistfamilyfiles.com/2018/09/10/enabling-the-narcissist-how-and-why-it-happens/