"Never stop dating," "Learn to compromise" and "Love is all you need" are standard lines that make their way onto advice cards at wedding showers . Even people who aren't getting set to put a ring on it but look like they're on the "long-term relationship" track may find themselves on the receiving end of this common relationship advice . However, one couples therapist who has been practicing for more than a quarter of a century says we've been internalizing ideas about what a romantic relationship "should" look like before we were old enough to notice.
She calls it the "Disney-did-us-dirty effect."
"We grow up on this study stream of fairytales, song lyrics and romantic comedies that give us a view of love that is simplistic and unrealistic," says Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D. , a clinical psychologist, author and host of the Reimagining Love Podcast . "Then, when we bump into problems and challenges in our own lives, we end up feeling like we are the problem, rather than the myths being the problem."
Dr. Solomon says one common myth is the true anti-hero of a love story. She recently took to Instagram to share it and spoke in greater detail on why she dislikes the myth to Parade .
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The Common Relationship Myth a Longtime Couples Therapist Wishes People Would Stop Believing
“I’ve been a couples therapist for over a quarter of a century, and I’m here to remind you that it’s OK to go to bed mad," Dr. Solomon wrote in an Instagram post to her more than 222K followers.
It may sound surprising, and Dr. Solomon cautions she isn't an advocate for making going to bed mad a part of your bedtime routine.
"I'm not here to prescribe going to bed mad," Dr. Solomon tells Parade . "I think if it's a repeated pattern...that is certainly indicative that the couple needs to have some support. However, as a one-off or once in a while, I want to normalize it."
For several reasons, Dr. Solomon isn't a fan of the commonly given advice never to go to bed mad. Let's start by stating the obvious: Arguing with your partner isn't fun. The hurt of fighting combined with the fairytale that people argue, kiss and make up in 90 minutes tops before heading to bed happily ever after is a recipe for a shame spiral.
"Going to bed mad is painful enough on its own," Dr. Solomon says. "It feels lonely. It feels yucky. To add another layer of shame—[that] somehow this is wrong, I'm wrong, you're wrong, we're wrong—makes a hard thing harder."
Moreover, pulling an all-nighter trying to hash things out isn't productive. Dr. Solomon prefers putting time limits on complicated conversations.
"I'm a fan of brief conversations rather than a marathon three-hour conversation," Dr. Solomon explains. "I would prefer couples to opt for a series of 30-minute conversations...because it's just so easy to flood when we're talking about difficult things."
Relationship dynamics can get complicated, and two reasonable, smart people can differ. Moreover, people may have pain points and trauma from family and previous romantic relationships that create pain points and make things more complex. Sometimes, going to bed without a resolution honors these complexities.
"Going to bed mad is a way of saying, 'This is big. This is complicated, and we're going to need more than one conversation,'" Dr. Solomon says. "I want to normalize that."
After a night of sleep, you may find yourselves ready to reconnect and have a more productive discussion.
"Couples need something like a pause, a reset...in order to kind of re-enter the conversation in a different way," Dr. Solomon says. "It can be really hard to course correct in the conversation, so that night of sleep can be like the circuit breaker, the pressure valve that helps people."
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When To Go To Bed Mad (And When Not To)
Dr. Solomon doesn't recommend fighting after drinking alcohol or using other substances.
"We're not having this conversation from a place that is grounded and sober," she says.
Other times to call it a night?
"When people are exhausted or know there's going to be little kids climbing into the bed in a few hours," Dr. Solomon explains.
However, it's more than that. Dr. Solomon suggests pressing pause when:
- The conversation is going in circles, and people are feeling too misunderstood to be understanding
- People are feeling too unheard to listen
- When you're in a cycle of "blame and defend, blame and defend."
Sometimes, you may need a quick timeout rather than a whole night of rest. Dr. Solomon shares that in these instances, a person might pause the conversation, make a cup of tea, shower and resume in 30 minutes.
"Even if the conversation is paused, partners may just need some time to get calm before bed to ensure that everyone is safe and everyone is going to be able to transition to sleep," Dr. Solomon explains.
She says these quick (but necessary) pauses may be especially useful when people are so deeply hurt that they cannot sleep.
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The #1 Tip for Going To Bed Mad
Going to bed while you're still in a fight is painful, but it doesn't mean you don't still love one another. Dr. Solomon says one of the best ways to smooth the transition is through acknowledgment.
"I want partners to each other's efforts," Dr. Solomon says. "Acknowledge the difficulty...the 'stuckness.'"
Try something like, "We are trying to figure this out together. This is a hard one. This one is clearly bringing up deep and big stuff for both of us. I don't think we're making any progress, and it's not for lack of effort. It's because this is hard and this is messy, and we're not seeing eye to eye where the pain is big. Let's pick this up tomorrow."
You can then schedule a time to continue talking so no one thinks the issues are being swept under the rug.
Want some bonus points? Dr. Solomon recommends saying something loving, such as, "I believe in us. We've got this. Even though this sucks, we're going to be OK."
"Extra bonus points if there can be some kind of physical acknowledgment, [such as a] hand on the foot, a squeeze, getting somebody a glass of water," Dr. Solomon says. "If the words are difficult, there could there be some kind of nonverbal gesture that says, 'I get it.'"
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