Satire: Pay Attention to Life's Disclaimers

They may give you an important heads u.

Results variedPhoto byCartoon by Lambert-King

We hear disclaimers all the time. Basically, if you ask the question, “What could go wrong?’ the disclaimer will answer that. Take for example, when an investment firm says, “Your investments may vary,” it’s their way of covering their butts. Back when I actually had money in a 401K, which was around circa 2008, I lost some money. I don’t believe my investment counselor did, just me.

My investment experience varied. From that of my investment counselor, who made money.

Sometimes disclaimers can be used to cover up a bigger problem

For example, movies often hide a bigger production issues. Movies will sometimes state, “No animals were harmed in the making of this movie.” That’s great and the folks at PETA will also be happy. Left unsaid, was the fact that five stuntmen were killed. Ok, that’s an exaggeration, but you get the point.

The auto industry is a big user of disclaimers

The first one that comes to mind is, “Your mileage may vary.” I have a question, in the history of auto buying, as anyone gotten more mileage that what was advertised? I doubt it. My mileage has ALWAYS been lower than what was advertised.

Of course, “Your mileage may vary” sounds better than “Your mileage will definitely be lower.”

More cover your butt disclaimers

“The views expressed are not necessarily ours,” or some variations thereof. In some cases, it’s a way to express an unpopular view while maintaining plausible deniability.

Sort of like a ventriloquist using a dummy and then blaming the dummy for what is said. I believe that’s the approach I believe so called "news organiztions" have used this defense.

Here’s one I’ve heard a lot: Any reproduction, retransmission or rebroadcast without the expressed, written consent of Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited.

This is actually the wrong disclaimer for watching a ballgame on TV. The right one is, “May cause drowsiness.”

Sometimes the disclaimer conflicts with what you are actually experiencing.

Ever make a phone call to try to get some help with customer service?Then you’ve heard, “Your call is very important to us.” I think not. Otherwise, they might actually answer a call, or at the very least, return it.

Do not remove tag

You might have seen this one on mattresses. I’m not really sure what the big deal is in this situation. There are other situations however, where his might apply. Say on the toe tag on a corpse in a morgue.

And sometimes disclaimers tell only part of the story

For example, you’ve no doubt seen the disclaimer, “An equal opportunity employer.” They may be true. But the same company might not be an equal opportunity payer. Or in some cases the opportunity for advancement may not be equal, but all that stuff makes for a really long sign.