My ‘bubbly’ mum was hiding a secret pain – her suicide blindsided us then my dad died of a ‘broken heart’ months later

A WOMAN was suffered a double tragedy when her mum took her own life and her dad died “from the heartbreak” a little over a year later.

Katie Irvine, 28, says her “bubbly mum”, Teresa, 50, was hiding a secret mental health battle – which left her “blindsided” when she ended her own life .

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Teresa, a community fundraiser, was diagnosed with bipolar when she was 44, and depression when she was in her early twenties – but hid it from Katie under a “happy” persona.

Having spent her entire adult life worrying something “bad” was going to happen, Katie says she immediately knew what was wrong when police showed up at her work in March 2019 to inform her of her mum’s death.

But her grief was compounded when she lost her dad, Gary Irvine, 54 – who had suffered from alcohol addiction – just a year and five months later, partially due to “the heartbreak and relief.”

Katie, a sixth form support officer, from Sutton, Surrey, said: “My mum wanted to protect me from her diagnoses – right up until six months before her death.

“She was very happy – but it was very much outside of the home.

“Behind closed doors, she was a very, very different person.

“Her emotional reactions were quite extreme – going from manic highs to devastating lows.

“I felt abandoned after both my parents died – like I had no support anymore.”

Katie’s earliest memories of her “warm” mum were “really nice ” – involving days out, long chats and lots of playing.

She was too young to understand Teresa’s mental health problems, and only child Katie says she was the “sibling I never had”.

“We were best friends,” she said.

“She’d always be the one to play with me, because I didn’t have any siblings.

“She just devoted everything to me – we did everything together.”

When Katie arrived at secondary school, she started to get the feeling her family was different to everyone else’s.

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She found her mum would have “extreme emotional reactions” to everything Katie would tell her.

It got to the point where Katie stopped telling her anything that might upset her, or cause her to react badly.

“If I told her I had a bad day, she’d get really over-the-top upset about it,” Katie said.

“Her emotions and reactions were so extreme, I didn’t want to tell her anything bad.

“It was so stressful, I became extremely protective over her.”

“It was always up-and-down, but now – it was like, she’d book holidays when she was up, talk about having nothing to live for when she was low.

Katie Irvine

During her teenage years, Katie remembers a lot of “rowing and shouting” between her parents.

When Katie hit her early twenties, Teresa’s condition rapidly started to decline.

Between mid-2017 and her death in 2019, she had attempted to take her own life three times.

The third, which happened at the end of 2018, left her in intensive care for three months – as her organs began to shut down.

“It was really serious,” Katie said.

“We weren’t sure if she was going to come out of it.

“She was just very neurotic really, for that last year-and-a-half.

“It was always up-and-down, but now – it was like, she’d book holidays when she was up, talk about having nothing to live for when she was low.”

DOUBLE TRAGEDY

At the time of Teresa’s death, Katie was splitting her time living between her family home and her friend’s house, down the road.

On March 14, 2019, she noted her mum “didn’t look right” – but couldn’t put her finger on why.

Teresa reassured her she’d be fine in the morning and Katie left to stay with her friend.

“The last thing I ever said to her was ‘get a good night’s sleep, I’ll see you in the morning’,” Katie said.

“The police came to my work the next day, and I just knew.

“They told me, dropped me off home, then it was investigations, the inquest, planning her funeral and throwing myself into my PGCE.”

Katie said it was then that her dad, Gary, started to “shut down” after his wife died.

Signs of suicidal thoughts to watch for in a loved one

Someone struggling with suicidal thoughts might display some subtle changes in their behaviour.

You might notice a loved one:

• Who is normally outgoing becoming withdrawn
• Drinking more than usual
• Appearing distracted or “not quite there”
• Having less energy
• Finding it hard to cope with day-to-day life
• Making negative statements like “it’s like everything is against me”

A more subtle warning sign is hopelessness.

People who feel hopeless might talk about their feelings as “unbearable”, predict a bleak future, and express that they have nothing to look forward to.

What do suicidal thoughts feel like?

Suicidal thoughts can feel different for everyone.

A person experiencing these thoughts might be dealing with a range of overwhelming feelings:

• Feeling sure that they want to die
• Desperately searching for a way out of what feels like an unbearable situation, unable to see any other solution
• Not caring if they live or die, leading them to take more risks or live recklessly
• Not actively wanting to end their life but seeing death as a welcome release or a way to regain control
• Feeling confused about why they are having these thoughts and feeling powerless to know what to do

How to help

If someone confides in you about suicidal thoughts, it’s important to take them seriously.

You don’t need to have all the answers or fix their problems.

Simply being there, listening, and encouraging them to talk about their feelings can be incredibly helpful.

Asking someone if they are suicidal can protect them.

By asking them directly, you give them permission to tell you how they feel and let them know they aren’t a burden.

If the person you’re with does share how they are feeling, it is usually better to listen and respond with open questions – not advice or opinions.

The important thing is that they know you will support them, without judgement, as far as you are able to.

When they’re feeling able to think about next steps for looking after themselves, you can suggest you make a ‘safety plan’ together to lay out steps for coping in a crisis, and help them make sure they have the support they need going forwards.

If the person you’re talking to would rather speak to someone they don’t know, you can suggest they call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org.

If someone has hurt themselves and you think their injuries are life-threatening, call an ambulance on 999.

You can do this whether you are with them in person or not. You will need to be able to give a location.

Source: Samaritans

“There was a palpable relief for my dad after mum died,” Katie said.

“Knowing he’d basically been in charge of suicide watch for a year-and-a-half – his body just released.

“He died at 9.40am on August 1, 2020, from liver failure caused by excessive drinking.

“I felt instantly abandoned and like I had no direction or support anymore.

“Losing both parents within a year was a complete shock.

“I didn’t know what to do, or what life was going to look like, moving forward.”

BUSTING STIGMA

Katie has spent the last five years in therapy, trying to work through her grief and anxiety.

Now, for National Suicide Prevention Week [September 8 to 14], Katie wants to raise awareness of those struggling with grief after a suicide.

She’s training to be a counsellor and wants to help others experiencing loss and grief.

We need to work on de-stigmatising [suicide] and being there for people going through it

Katie Irvine

She said: “As soon as you even say the word ‘suicide,’ people don’t want to talk about it.

“That can be really difficult when you’ve lost someone to suicide.

“People would cross the road if they saw me, or keep their heads down in the supermarket.

“I think, had mum died a different way, it wouldn’t have been like that.

“We need to work on de-stigmatising it, and being there for people going through it.”

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

Every 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide.

It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.

It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.

Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.

That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.

The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.

Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.

If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:

• CALM, www.thecalmzone.net , 0800 585 858
• Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
• Mind, www.mind.org.uk , 0300 123 3393
• Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org , 0800 068 41 41
• Samaritans, www.samaritans.org , 116 123