Using Anxiety to Control Mom

A grown daughter is resisting her mother’s attempts to re-do her childhood bedroom, and possibly to downsize. The daughter is using her own anxiety to try to control Mom. Who should call the shots here? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.

Dear Eric:

I have an adult daughter who moved out but does not want me to change her former bedroom.

She had a breakup seven years ago that caused a nervous breakdown because of the cruel way it was done: packing her things up and mailing them to our house. She moved back in with us as a result of this breakup and started therapy.

After many years of therapy, she is on the road to recovery. The depression has lifted. Working, the apartment, an increasingly good social life.

Yet, she has trouble letting go. Whenever I mention that I want to redo her former room as a guest/sewing room for me, she gets upset. I have explained that eventually I will probably sell the house and downsize, and she started talking about robbing her of inherited wealth. I am still working and want to retire and cannot do so by keeping and maintaining the house.

My husband, her father, died last year, and while we all are grieving still, she took it the hardest as they were extremely close. I do not want to give her any anxiety, yet I feel imprisoned by her needs for everything to stay the same. It is as though her breakdown, and my husband’s death have put me on a life path I do not want.

– Imprisoned by the Past

Dear Past:

While your daughter may feel powerless against her anxiety and grief, she has a responsibility not to wield either against you.

I’m particularly alarmed by her protests around selling the house. The inherited wealth objection sounds like moving the goalpost. While it may be masking other complicated feelings of grief and loss, this is still your house. Your money is yours to do with as you choose, not for her to use to control Mom.

See if she and her therapist are open to having you join a few sessions so that you can have a mediated conversation about her feelings, your feelings and how to move forward. You are not giving her anxiety by making choices in your own life or closing the museum that is her childhood bedroom. You can tell her that, with love. And her therapist can help her process it.

I also hope that you are able to have therapy of your own or attend a grief support group. You’re dealing with a lot, internally and externally. Talking with others can help you figure out what’s yours to hold on to and what you can let go of.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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