<body><div><img src="https://img.particlenews.com/image.php?type=thumbnail_580x000&amp;url=39z0AG_0vQ87J1s00" alt="https://img.particlenews.com/image.php?url=39z0AG_0vQ87J1s00" width="1528" height="800" >Key points<ul><li>Discussing contentious topics using a new, intentional structure can be extremely helpful.</li><li>The format is specifically designed to enhance listening and understanding.</li><li>The listener agrees to listen from the heart, without interrupting, disagreeing, or expressing concerns.</li><li>Participants acknowledge that they may revert to old patterns, that developing new habits takes time.</li></ul>As the new school year begins, there are many potential areas of conflict between parents and their teenage or young adult children. Just as teens and young adult can invite their parents to practice mindful communication, parents and caregivers can invite their children to do the same.Parents, it is recommended you begin with listening.As a teen, much of your difficult communication may be with your parents.As a parent, some of my most difficult communication is with my teens. Usually, these difficulties stem from the fact that underneath whatever true craziness is going on, we really love each other. It is the people we love who are most likely to get under our skin, push our buttons, piss us off.Teens, if you have a difficult topic that you wish to discuss with your parents—a poor grade; breaking a family, school, or even a legal rule; sexual activity; drug use; wanting some space and the opportunity to do things your own way; needing your parents to step up and offer more support; choosing your own path rather than the one they set out for you—the following practice could help.As with other practices, this may feel awkward and overly structured at first. And especially if you and your parents repeatedly experience conflict about a particular topic, discussing it using a new, intentional structure can be extremely helpful.In this moment, you and your parents may be arguing or things may be fine, or even great. No matter how it is, I encourage you to share the following letter with your parents now. Then the next time there is something difficult to discuss, everyone will be prepared to practice a new way of communicating, understand the basics of the process, and have agreed to use this structure.Teens, to introduce this new way of communicating to your parents, you can fill in the blanks in the letter below and give your parents an actual copy, read the letter aloud to them, or simply share the process with them in your own words. If you choose the last option, make sure you include all the steps.Dear Parents,I want to discuss ___________ with you. Since this is a loaded topic, I am asking that we try something new, and we agree to use this format, which is specifically designed to enhance listening and understanding. To begin, I will have _____ minutes (an agreed-upon time) to simply share my view, feelings, experience, and requests. I will use I-statements, rather than accusations. You will listen and, to the best of your ability, not interrupt, disagree, express your concerns, or make your case either out loud or silently to yourself. Again, to the best of your ability, you will simply listen with your heart to what I have to say.Then we will have a cooling off period of ______ minutes/days (an agreed-upon time).Before you share your response, you will summarize what you heard me say and allow me to clarify anything that you have misinterpreted.Then, you will have _____ minutes to simply share your view, feelings, experience, and requests. I will listen and, to the best of my ability, not interrupt, disagree, express my concerns, or make my case either out loud or silently to myself. Again, to the best of my ability, I will simply listen with my heart to what you have to say.Then, after another cooling off period of _____ minutes/days. And before I share my response, I will summarize what I heard you say and allow you to clarify anything that I have misinterpreted. Then, we will have a slow, mindful two-way conversation. Anytime someone feels things are getting heated, he/ she/ they may use a time-out signal, and we will all pause and take five full, slow, deep breaths.Before we begin to practice this new way of communicating, we acknowledge that we may fall into old patterns, that developing new habits takes time, and that we still may not agree or find a mutually agreeable solution. The intention of this practice is to support us in hearing and understanding each other during our most difficult moments.The essential elements of the process are that the speaker (the person initiating the conversation) agrees to share his or her view, feelings, experience, and requests, using “When you…I feel” statements rather than accusations. (Teen: “When you tell me to try harder, and I am really trying, I feel hopeless and alone.” Parent: “When you don’t respond to my texts, I feel worried and frustrated.”) Note: Feelings are variations of mad, sad, glad, afraid, hurt, lonely… Also note also that “I feel that you…” and “I feel like you…” are accusations, not feelings.The listener agrees to listen from the heart, listen without interrupting, disagreeing, or expressing concerns, listen without making counterarguments, either out loud or silently, and after an agreed-upon pause of at least forty-five minutes, summarizes what he or she has heard and understood, and asks for clarification.Everyone agrees to breathe and to watch his or her own thoughts, feelings and physical sensations, and assumptions…as they appear…. And when things get heated, to pause, breathe, begin again, have a sense of humor, and renew their commitment to really hearing each other and coming up with creative solutions.If we aren’t able to manage the conversation on our own, we will seek support from a wise friend or a trained professional.Love,Your teenA note to parents:Dear Parents,Your teen has wisely chosen to begin practicing mindfulness and courageously invited you to develop new and more effective ways of communicating. I encourage you to pause here and fully commit to doing this practice wholeheartedly with your teen the next time you address a difficult topic. I know for myself that I am most likely to not hear my kids and to force my own view when, underneath whatever rational argument I am making, I am concerned or afraid about my children’s well-being and the potential future negative impact of their choices.When I am mindful, I can be aware of my concerns, fears, and desire to control, and then breathe, and listen, listen, listen, without preparing my counterarguments. Then, when I have truly heard my teen, I can begin to look at potential solutions… and sometimes my response remains a simple parental “No.” This process minimizes the possibly that I will just dictate how things will go, without first truly hearing and understanding my teen.While the blueprints above are directed at teens and parents, the principles apply in any potentially difficult conversation—teen/parent, spouse/spouse, daughter-in-law/mother-in-law, athlete/coach, employee/boss. </div></body>

Mountain View, CA

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A Blueprint for Effective Teen-Parent Communication

Discussing contentious topics using a new, intentional structure can be extremely helpful. The format is specifically designed to enhance listening and understanding. The listener agrees to listen from the heart, without interrupting, disagreeing, or expressing concerns. Participants acknowledge that they may revert to old patterns, that developing new habits takes...

A Blueprint for Effective Teen-Parent Communication

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