You may have heard that parent-child relationships are formative and foundational during a critical time in a person's development. We're not here to argue otherwise.
"A healthy parent-child bond serves as a model for the child's future relationships," says Dr. Alex Dimitriu, MD , who is double board-certified in psychiatry and sleep medicine and the founder of Menlo Park Psychiatry & Sleep Medicine.
Unhealthy parent-child relationships can affect how children see themselves, others and the world. However, these relationships don't suddenly become obsolete when a child reaches adulthood. They can persist—or even develop—as people grow and evolve. Knowing the red flags of an unhealthy parent-adult-child relationship is important.
"The more knowledge you have about what an unhealthy relationship looks like, the easier it is to identify where you need to make changes that allow for a more positive connection," says Samantha DeFelice, LPC with Thriveworks in Philadelphia .
Mental health professionals who regularly focus on families weighed in on the two most blaring alarm bells that the relationship between an adult child and parent is unhealthy.
Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to an Oldest Child
The Top 2 Signs of an Unhealthy Parent-Adult-Child Relationship
1. Poor emotional connection and affirmation
Connection by blood only runs so deep. As humans, we're emotional creatures.
"If there is an emotional distance or lack of authentic connection between a parent and their child, the child may feel neglected, unsupported or unloved," says Samantha Quigneaux, LMFT , the national director of family therapy services at Newport Healthcare.
Even as adults, children may feel isolated, have low self-esteem , and find that this emotional rejection from their parents affects their ability to form relationships with others. It can also take the form of criticism (rather than affirmation).
"It creates a dangerous dynamic that can create an overly sensitive fear of failure and an unhealthy craving for approval," says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., an NYC-based neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind.
Dr. Hafeez says that some signs a person suffers from this parent-child dynamic include:
- Unusually high stress
- Self-criticism
- Reluctance to try new things because of fear of disapproval
Quigneaux says parents and adult children in these unhealthy relationships often have a lack of:
- Communication
- Interest in each other's lives
- Physical affection
2. Co-dependency
There's close, and then there's "too close."
"Signs can include overly doting behavior, ' helicopter ' or 'snowplow' parenting and overly enmeshed relationships where the child is seen as a friend or therapist," Dr. Dimitru says.
DeFelice says too-close relationships can veer into co-dependent territory, which is unhealthy—an adult child is no longer a newborn infant.
"Co-dependency tends to look like extreme reliance on the other person in every possible way, mentally, emotionally, physically and/or spiritually," DeFelice says. "They cannot do anything without the other person. This is unhealthy because they cannot function without each other willingly."
Signs of co-dependency include parents and children who:
- Refuse to do anything apart from the other person
- The need to consistently and constantly check in with the other person
- Must make all decisions together
"It’s not a process of wanting to see what the other person thinks would be a good idea," DeFelice says. "Instead, they can’t function without the other person’s input. This is unhealthy in that they aren’t functioning independently. They tend not to develop skills on their own, and they don’t have friendships or relationships outside of each other."
Related: 9 Outdated Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Are Begging Parents To Stop Doing With Their Adult Kids
3 Other Troubling Signs of Parent-Adult-Child Relationships
1. Manipulation
Dr. Hafeez says that using guilt and fear to get an adult child to comply is a form of manipulation that can harm a person's sense of independence.
"Signs include the child feeling responsible for the parent’s feelings or sensing that their feelings are generally undermined or dismissed," Dr. Hafeez says.
2. Lack of communication
Communication isn't just crucial in romantic relationships.
"Miscommunication or lack of communication is unhealthy for a parent-child relationship because it’s a lack of active communication, a lack of hearing what the other person has to say and a missed opportunity to grow a healthy and positive bond," DeFelice says. "It tends to lead to assumptions, and can also lead to yelling or arguing over things that aren’t worth yelling or arguing about."
3. Distrust
Like communication, trust is a pillar of any healthy relationship.
"When trust is fragile, it may become difficult for the child to open up to or trust the parent," Dr. Hafeez says.
Related: 8 Signs You Have Toxic In-Laws and How To Respond, According to Psychologists
3 Healing Tips For Parents
1. Get curious
Self-awareness is critical and may take some reflection.
"Be aware and work on yourself, " Dr. Dimitriu says. "It can be hard to see and certainly to address the issues when there is a 'log in your eye.' Do your best to know your own strengths and weaknesses as well as imprints from your own experience with your parents."
2. Let your child lead
Children don't always want to open up—and that's valid.
"Sometimes, it’s OK to lean into that silence," DeFelice says.
You might journal back and forth or write letters—let the child write anything and respond without judgment to their lived experience.
3. Professional advice
Relationships are tricky. You don't have to navigate them solo.
"For some parents, working with a therapist has the advantage of gaining some outside perspective but within the context of your own relationship," Dr. Hafeez says. "It can help to identify areas of underlying difficulties and help you to find new ways of relating to your child."
Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
3 Healing Tips For Children
1. Push the pause button
While you may want to fast forward through the discomfort, a pause might be best.
"Pausing helps you to release the pressure and react in a healthier way," Dr. Hafeez says. "Say what you need to say: Express yourself honestly but respectfully."
For instance, "‘I feel upset when you don’t pick up the phone."
In this phrase, Dr. Hafeez says you are "expressing how you feel without making your parent feel like a bad person. If you can, keep your ‘I’ statements short and simple. It’s a way of showing your parent you are serious without painting them as the villain."
2. Set limits
You can only take so much.
"Formalize interactions that you find overwhelming or disrespectful by setting boundaries ," Dr. Hafeez says. "Make it clear—in a firm but polite manner—what you require in order to feel respected and safe in the relationship."
For instance, incessant "Where are you?" texts or comments about your weight may be off-limits.
3. Reach out
You're not alone, either.
"You can talk with a counselor or therapist who can help you to work through your feelings and develop coping skills to help you through the relationship," Dr. Hafeez says. "You will gain support for how you feel, and you can receive information and ideas about how to handle the conflict and communication challenges, and manage reactions to your feelings."
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