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Narcissists are complex people, with a wide array of traits, skills and attributes that make them both attractive and toxic. The true narcissist is one who is unable and unwilling to look past their own consumptive self-absorption, and — often — the most dangerous narcissists in our lives are hiding in plain sight. In order to limit the damaging effects these self-centered people have on our lives, we have to create space and discover our trust in self.

Narcissists damage our boundaries and destroy the inherently precious sense of self we begin developing early on in childhood. They also destroy the way in which we define ourselves and thwart our ability to create lasting and meaningful connections. In order to lead truly happy, healthy, and fulfilled lives — we have to learn how to put narcissists in their place and lead our lives the way we want to lead them.

This takes courage, and it takes knowing (and accepting) who you are and who they are, however. Something which takes courage and the the knowledge you’re strong enough to control your destiny.

Narcissism in a nutshell.

There are many different types of narcissist and not all of them are created equal. Some of these self-obsessed megalomaniacs take the form of a covert narcissist, while others rely on sex or big and over-the-top personalities to blind everyone around them.

No matter how a self-obsessed person goes about pulling you into their orbit, the results are still the same. If we want to beat a narcissist, we have to understand them, and we have to know — intimately — what kind of games it is is they play.

In the simplest of terms, narcissism is the tendency to think grandly of oneself, to the point of losing respect and compassion for others. The narcissist is a person who is selfish, vain and obsessed with attention. It’s all about them, all of the time. People are accessories to them, and little more than a disposable means to meet their own ends. The narcissist is dangerous and toxic. But they also exist all around us.

Narcissists are generally grandiose people who lack empathy for those around them, while also harboring arrogant, self-centered, demandingor manipulative tendancies. They have to be in control, and they have to be viewed as being “superior” or “in charge.”

These tendencies, more often than not, stem from deep-rooted insecurities and issues that stem from childhood trauma and adversity. That’s no excuse for poor behavior, however, and it shouldn’t prevent us from freeing ourselves from the clutches of the narcissist.

The 5 core traits of every narcissist.

When it comes to identifying a narcissist, there are 5 core traits that they always exhibit. Narcissists are obsessed with themselves, and see everything around them as a reflection of their value. For this reason, manipulation, vanity, grand fantasies and superiority complexes are the only way a narcissist knows how to exist. Stopping a narcissist takes knowing them, and that starts with spotting these core traits.

Manipulation

• They’ll believe what I want them to believe.
• I can charm my way out of anything.
• No one knows people like I do.

The typical narcissist is a master manipulator, making it one of their foundational traits. They can sweet-talk, charm and otherwise gab their way out of almost any situation (or so they believe) and this can lead them into some sticky decisions and even stickier situations. Because they invest so firmly in their knowledge of people, they can go out of their way to scheme and force them into things they might not otherwise engage in.

Vanity

• My body is a powerful weapon.
• There’s no better reflection than mine.
• I’m obsessed with my appearance (and the appearance of others).

Vanity is one of the core traits of any narcissist, and one of the most common signs that can help them to identify them in our lives. The narcissist loves to use their body, and they love to show it off to get attention or feed their ego. They also understand how the body can be used to manipulate others, and will often use their bodies (and sex) to control, overpower or otherwise get what they want from their partners — and friends.

Grand fantasies

• I will get what I deserve.
• I’m the best and everyone thinks so.
• Everyone should know who I am.

Grand fantasies are the favorite past time of the narcissist, and one of the means by which they fuel their endless energy to manipulate, extort or otherwise control. While some fantasies are normal, these grandiose fantasies can manifest as obsession, and cause the narcissist to invest even more in the idea that they are better than everyone else or somehow above the people around them. Not only do they think they deserve anything and everything they want…they believe they’re entitled to it.

Superiority complex

• I’m going to be a world-changing person.
• Success is inevitable for me.
• I’m more special than everyone else.

Narcissists almost always come with an advanced-stage superiority complex, and this manifests itself in a variety of ways. When someone is truly self-centered and obsessed with their own opinion and outcomes, they can come to believe that they’re smarter, better, faster than the other people around them. Little-by-little, they become so inwardly turned that they fail to see any shortcomings and genuinely come to see themselves as inevitable successes and supremely special individuals…dangerous thinking when it comes to life’s ups and downs.

Authority

• I’m the best leader there is.
• Power over people is great.
• I need to be in control because I deserve to be.

Authority and control are like bread-and-butter to the narcissist, and it is one of the primary focuses in their lives. They believe themselves to be the best leaders around, and will often do whatever it takes (including engaging in passive aggressive behavior or tactics) to get what they want when they want it. The narcissists obsession for control is where their compulsion for manipulation also stems from, and it magnifies their superiority complexes and grand fantasies.

How narcissism destroys our sense of self.

When a narcissist gets their claws into our lives, the side effects are wide-ranging and extremely toxic to our sense of self. Narcissists of every type undermine our self-confidence and make it hard to stay present in the current moment. Overcoming these effects is possible, but it takes know how to spot the poisonous and self-destructive patterns that keep us limited, scared and accepting less than what we deserve.

Self-limiting

Those who are extremely sensitive or empathetic often respond to narcissistic abuse by shrinking themselves and taking up as little room in the abusers world as possible. This is a learned behavior that follows them, and one that is especially damning in times when it becomes necessary to stand up for yourself. Like the infamous nymph Echo (who was forever doomed to remain a shadow in Narcissus’ life) the victims of narcissists struggle to find their own voice in world that’s defined by the whims of someone who can’t see past their own selfish desires.

Putting needs second

Being an empathic person can be a gift in today’s society, but it can also be a curse. Those who find themselves at the mercy of narcissists often become obsessed with maintaining the happiness of those around them, and this often comes to the detriment of their own needs. Some even grow to hate their own needs, believing themselves to be unworthy or a “burden”.

Self-hatred

As humans, we long for connection, but that connection is hardly forthcoming when it comes to the self-obsessed. Unable to fulfill their inherent need for affection, those at the mercy of a narcissist often seek out absolution by sacrificing their own self-esteem on the altar of the other person’s over-the-top ego. Soon, these become internalized beliefsand self-destructive thoughts like, “If I were a little quieter, they would love me more,” or “If I fix myself, maybe he’ll finally love me…”

Shaky attachment

When we are neglected, abused or otherwise removed from the emotions and affections of those that matter, it can make us question the trust we have in others. This can lead to insecure attachment, or avoidant attachment, in which we manage our fear of being unloved by shutting people out or building up walls that make it impossible for them to get close. Likewise, we might also chase love, in a complex combination of unpredictability that causes unmeasurable damage in our personal and professional lives.

The best ways to deal with the narcissist in your life

Even though we’re surrounded by narcissists, it’s possible to limit their negative impact on your life. Understanding the narcissist is just the first step. In order to truly protect yourself, you have to cultivate an authentic understanding of yourself. Incorporate these techniques in order to build your understanding of self and the things you need to safeguard your wellbeing.

1. Cultivate incredible acceptance

One of the most difficult aspects of overcoming a narcissist-led relationship is coming to the understanding that they will never change — no matter how badly you might want them to, or how sensibly you approach them. Filling ourselves with this incredible acceptance empowers us to detach and move forward confidently toward the future that we need, and the partners that can better suit our needs.

Narcissists rarely change, because they see themselves as superior beings who others should be attempting to emulate. Even when they appear to bemaking strides, it is often only a means to manipulation, and it is not long before the same old judgmental, vindictive and critical adversary returns.

By holding out eternal hope that your parent, friend or partner will change, or — by making the constant effort to change that person — you only undermine your own life and the beautiful experiences you could be filling it with on your own journey to happiness. Accept that the only person you can change is yourself and you will cut that journey time down by half.

2. Honor your emotions

Often, one of the first steps in protecting our inner self from the toxic narcissist is simply acknowledging and honoring the feelings you have in the first place. Narcissists force us to discount our feelings and dismiss our own needs, in order to serve their own selfish purposes. By learning how to honor our feelings for what they are, we can better stand up for ourselves and our emotional needs.

Our emotions are complex, and that means we can feel them on a number of different levels at a number of different times. Sometimes our grief is mixed with anger and our guilt with sympathy. It’s also possible to grow numb to your feelings over time, thanks to regular dismissal, invalidation or just all-around marginalization.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel and don’t judge yourself for it. Let the way you feel about certain people and situations guide you in the direction of what you need most in order to heal. If that means ending interactions with people that were once a part of your everyday, then that’s what it means.

No one knows your situation better than you, so allow yourself to be that expert and feel what you feel when you feel it.

3. Release your need to self-destruct

When we’re raised as the damaged bystanders of narcissists, we have a habit of picking up patterns that continue to inflict hurt for days and weeks and years. This sort of self-sabotage creates the perfect conditions of the entrance of a narcissist, so we have to release this need to self-flagellate and start living with courage and confidence.

Those who are abused by the self-obsessed are also those who are more prone to risky, self-defeating and destructive behaviors that work to reinforce the limitations projected on them by their abuser. That’s because self-destructive behavior is an internalization of narcissistic abuse, and one that allows them to maintain control over us long after their physical closeness has come to an end.

When you engage in behaviors or activities that hurt or undermine your true sense of self, you continue to give your abuser power over your life.You also exacerbate your trauma and create new destructive forces in your life that can seriously cripple your ability to heal.

If you want to get past the abuse of a narcissist, you have to stop inflicting hurts on yourself first, but that takes looking inside and embracing that hurt, broken person there with complete, accepting abandon.

4. Establish boundaries (and stick to them)

Our boundaries are the foundations by which we learn how to treat ourselves, and treat others how to treat us. When we live a life with weak or non-existent boundaries, we leave ourselves exposed to attach and make it easy for abusers to take advantage of us. We have to know both what we want and what we deserve, and we have to use this knowledge to reaffirm our limits.

Narcissists gain their power by constantly attacking boundaries. Even when we start off strong against their onslaught, it’s hard to maintainthat resolve when our sense of self is being endlessly tested. You’re not respected by the narcissistic parent, you’re objected — and that makes it critical to battle for your boundaries and reassert them at every available opportunity.

Take a step back and take some time to create healthy boundaries that work for you and your needs alone. Think about what you need to be happy, and think about the type of environment you need to exist in, in order to be happy. Communicate these needs to your loved ones and let them know that — just like them — you’ll no longer be accepting less than you deserve (even if that means limited contact).

5. Analyze the roles you play

Every relationship has roles and dynamics into which various members of subsets and social circles play. In some circles, there is the scapegoat; while in others, there is the favorite. There are many fluid roles within the typical social unit, but they are always commanded by the narcissist(when there’s one in play) and not always to the benefit of the other individuals involved.

Narcissists maintain their control over their social groups by creating division among its members. They alienate friends from one another and they alienate family members from one another by casting them — simultaneously — in the roles of villains and victims, creating a warped system that makes it hard to know which way is up when it comes to group roles and relationships.

Pay attention to roles and take notice when they’re being used to create a seat of power for one, and roles of subjection for the rest. The best way to defend yourself against this kind of onslaught is by presenting a unified front, but that’s something that takes cohesion and communication to manage.

Analyze the roles you’re playing, and compare them against the role you want to inhabit in this life. Only by taking charge of your own part, can you shift the way things play out.

6. Sync-up with your needs

When we are overwhelmed by a narcissist, we become systematically trained to ignore our feelings. Feelings are a threat to the self-obsessed controller and abuser, who needs as little conflict from their subjects as possible, in order to create the self-centric world they seek.

That’s why you can empower yourself to detach from a narcissist by syncing up with your needs and getting real about what it takes for you feel fulfilled and happy.

Our feelings can often be a direct contradiction to the beliefs and desries of a narcissist, and that is something that is absolutely intolerable to them.That’s why it’s so criticdal to get in-sync with your needs and emotions, before they can steal them or invalidate them through manipulation and subterfuge.

To the narcissist, the only person who matters is them. The emotions, needs, desires of those around them are nothing more than an inconvenience, and one that needs to be dealt with using ridicule, shame and rage.

If they can’t shut you up with intimidation, they’ll do it through projection, so it’s imperative that you have a clear view on what you’re feeling, what you need and what you want moving forward.Reconnect with your emotions and attune to the way you exist in the environment around you.

7. Drop the blame game

Being scapegoated by a self-obsessed person can cause you to internalize a tremendous amount of guilt and take on the blame for something you had little to no control over. Narcissists are experts at deflection, but it’s important to remember that we’re all responsible for our own behavior.

If the narcissist in your life bit your head off or attacked you — that’s on them, not you. But you have to remind yourself of that every single day, and you have to make the conscious decision to stop letting their behavior weigh on your conscience.

Don’t internalize their drama. Don’t personalize their guilt and their shame and their constant negative projections. Let go of the blame game and stop letting yourself carry the emotional burdens of a narcissist who doesn’t care whether you exist at the end of the day or not. You’re replaceable to them, so stop blaming yourself for their misery and find a way back to your own happiness.

Putting it all together…

Narcissists are everywhere, and the effects they have on our lives are toxic and long-lasting. In order to protect ourselves from narcissistic abuse, it’s important to be able to spot the most dangerous narcissists in our lives, and recognize the damage for what it is. From covert narcissists to the sexually self-obsessed abuser — not all narcissists are created equal, but their relationships are all catastrophically damaging to our self-esteem.

Build up your understanding of narcissists and the toxic impact they have on our lives. Spot the symptoms of toxic relationships in your life and combat them by having the courage to recognize things for what they are, while embracing your emotions and their true and authentic depth.

Stop blaming yourself and accept that you cannot change the narcissist; only they can change themselves. Drop the blame game and get back in touch with your emotions again so you can start creating the boundaries that will keep you safe in future. Though narcissists can have a long and damaging affect on our lives, those challenges don’t have to last forever.

Make the choice today to live a better tomorrow for you. After all, you’re the only one in control of your happiness.

Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB. Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Clinical Health Psychology Practice: Case Studies of Comorbid Psychological Distress and Life-Limiting Illness. Behav Med. 2017 Jul-Sep;43(3):156-164. doi: 10.1080/08964289.2017.1301875. PMID: 28767013; PMCID: PMC5819598.