The Ultimate Barclays XI of pure Barclaysmen includes Okocha, Everton strike partnership

There is lots of Barclays reminiscing on social media and we could not resist bringing you our Ultimate Barclaysmen XI.

What is a true Barclaysman? Well, it is almost impossible to define. It’s a vibe, a thought, an idea. It isn’t tangible, it isn’t anything you can measure – but hopefully the players in this team give you an idea of what it means to be a Proper Barclays Man.

GK: Jussi Jaaskelainen
Is there a more fitting way to kick things off than with Sam Allardyce’s Bolton Wanderers No. 1? Jaaskelainen – who was shown a joint-record for a goalkeeper four red cards in Our League – was a cat in between the sticks with his outstanding diving and reflexes.

With Big Sam, Kevin Davies and Jaaskelainen’s pulled-up sleeves, Bolton away was always a nightmare fixture, no matter who you were. Allardyce made the Reebok a fortress and eventually got Bolton into Europe after flirting with relegation, bringing in ageing superstars such as Hidetoshi Nakata and Fernando Hierro.

Jaaskelainen was a cult hero, representing Bolton from 1997 to 2012 before spending time at West Ham and Wigan Athletic, which is just so Barclays. He was consistent, often snubbed interest from rival clubs, and simply loved playing for Bolton.

Honourable mentions: Paul Robinson, David James, Antti Niemi, Ali Al Habsi, Shay Given, Brad Friedel, Mark Schwarzer

RB: Pascal Chimbonda
Pascal Chimbonda was last seen coming out of retirement to play for the club he managed – ninth-tier Skelmersdale United – in 2024, citing Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola as his inspirations when given the job.

The real reason we are here is to discuss his Barclays days, and they were fantastic. Starring for Wigan Athletic in their first top-flight season, Chimbonda was very eager to join Tottenham. So eager that he pulled his transfer request out of his sock on the last day of the season to leave boss Paul Jewell “absolutely livid”.

He spent two years in north London, one in Sunderland, another one with Spurs, and two in Blackburn. He is proper Barclays.

Honourable mentions: Stephen Carr, Tony Hibbert, John Paintsil, Glen Johnson, Emmerson Boyce, Lucas Neill, Vedran Corluka

CB: Richard Dunne
Rubbish on the ball, a demon in the air, hard as nails, and an own goal machine, Richard Dunne was everything. Before woke.

Only one man in Premier League history has scored double figure own goals and Dunne is that man, beating Martin Skrtel, Phil Jagielka and Jamie Carragher. He was catastrophic but brilliant at the same time. No player has received more red cards in Premier League history.

The fact he played for Queens Park Rangers in the top flight is the icing on the cake.

CB: Sylvain Distin
Sylvain Distin made a gargantuan 469 Premier League appearances – the most a player from a non-English-speaking country has ever accumulated and one more than Peter Crouch. Longevity is a crucial factor being taken into consideration and longevity is Distin’s middle name (it’s not; he doesn’t have one).

Not only did he play for David Moyes’ Everton, but – like Dunne – he was at Manchester City when they were sh*t which, again, is proper Barclays.

Distin represented City for five years, leaving a year before their Abu Dhabi takeover. He played for Portsmouth when they won the FA Cup under Harry Redknapp. And was at Everton when they flirted with breaking into the top four.

What makes Distin’s relationship with Our League even more beautiful is that he moved to England in 2001 and retired in 2016 – the year Barclays started and finished its named sponsorship agreement. We are looking at our Barclaysman XI captain, folks.

Honourable mentions: Phil Jagielka, Linvoy Primus, Paul Scharner, Christopher Samba, Brede Hangeland, Scott Dann, Aaron Hughes, Younes Kaboul, Fabricio Coloccini, Rahdi Jaidi

LB: Leighton Baines
A left-back should obviously have a wand of a left foot and be more attacking than the right-back. That is the way football is supposed to be played. Being a set-piece specialist makes things even better and that gets Leighton Baines in as a non-negotiable.

There was a genuine case for Baines being the best in his position in world football for a few months, which almost led to a move to Manchester United which would have barred him from this team.

Playing for Wigan and Everton, those sideburns and his outstanding goal catalogue make Baines one of the best Barclaysmen out there.

Honourable mentions: Benoit Assou-Ekotto, Maynor Figueroa, Paul Konchesky, Hermann Hreidarsson

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RM: Jay-Jay Okocha
So good they named him twice, Jay-Jay Okocha did not fit in at Bolton but that did not prevent the relationship from working perfectly. Allardyce wanted a strong, robust team but allowed Okocha to express himself after a shock transfer from Paris Saint-Germain.

With his ridiculous ability on the ball, the Nigerian was a maverick and is a genuine football legend. The sort of player that makes you fall in love with the game and a team. If he made you fall for Bolton, he probably owes you an apology, but their recent struggles are probably worth it for that golden era with Allardyce in charge of Okocha and co.

Honourable mentions: Stelios Giannakopoulos, Hatem Ben Arfa, Sebastien Larsson, Steed Malbranque, Zoltan Gera, Aaron Lennon, Yossi Benayoun, Leon Osman, Brett Emerton

CM: Tugay
This man had a foot like a traction engine. Disappointingly, every goal he scored for Blackburn came from outside the box…bar one. That ruins a perfect record: the exact inverse of Ruud van Nistelrooy scoring all but one of his Manchester United goals from inside the box.

Tugay retired a Blackburn legend after scoring several peaches and running the show from midfield, hanging up his boots in 2009 after eight years at Ewood Park. Rovers got the Turk’s latter but better years and when you think of Barclays, you think of this guy and his sweet right peg.

CM: Niko Kranjcar
One of Harry Redknapp’s favourite boys, Niko Kranjcar was a triffic playa and a good-looking lad.

Redknapp brought Krancjar to Portsmouth in 2006 and signed him again when Tottenham manager in 2009, and again at QPR four years later. That relationship alone makes the Croatian an iconic Barclays star but that is far from being his only selling point; he was also a part of Spurs’ Croatian mafia alongside Luka Modric and Vedran Corluka.

He was a wizard with the ball at his feet and an outstanding finisher. In a game losing its eccentricity and being overrun by tactics and positioning, we miss players like Kranjcar.

Honourable mentions: Pedro Mendes, Jordi Gomez, Ivan Campo, Steve Sidwell, Geovanni, Wilson Palacios, Elano, Stephen Ireland, Gareth Barry, James Morrison, Charlie Adam, Rory Delap, David Dunn, Tom Huddlestone, Kevin Nolan, Stuart Holden, Sandro, Jimmy Bullard, Stephane Sessegnon, Nigel Reo Coker

LM: Morten Gamst Pedersen
A ferocious left foot is the most important rule for anyone playing on this side. They also have to be left-footed; none of this woke cutting-inside nonsense. Get to the byline and dig out a cross, or better yet, have a pop from deep.

Morten Gamst Pedersen was more than capable of doing just that. He only represented Blackburn in Our League, making 260 appearances, which is actually bettered by three Norwegian players: John Arne Riise (321), Claus Lundekvam (290) and Henning Berg (275).

A ridiculous goal catalogue appears to be crucial for midfield players and with a left peg like Pedersen’s, you are always going to have just that. Volleys, free-kicks, shots from range, he scored from everywhere and rarely scored a bad goal. He even had a mean right foot on him, scoring a few belters on his weaker side.

It’s hard to explain why, but ‘Gamst’ on the back of his shirt just makes everything so much better.

Honourable mentions: Matty Taylor, Steven Pienaar, Matt Jarvis, Chris Brunt, Craig Bellamy, Luis Boa Morte

ST: Yakubu
The Yak was the first name on the team-sheet, which is remarkable given the vast number of strikers to choose from. Just quickly glance at those honourable mentions; we got a little bit over-excited.

Again, the CV comes into play here. Yakubu’s first taste of Premier League action was with Portsmouth, scoring 28 goals in two seasons, then he got double figures in two years at Middlesbrough, 25 in 82 for Everton, and finally 17 in one season at Blackburn. Seriously, does it get any better than that?

With a goal record identical to Didier Drogba’s, the Nigerian came just short of reaching the 100 club, scoring 95 goals in 252 top-flight matches.

ST: Tim Cahill
Everton never made the Champions League group stage under David Moyes but two of their players lead the line for our Ultimate Barclaysman XI, so that is all that matters.

Cahill was one of the biggest aerial threats in the Barclays but was shorter than pretty much every centre-back he came up against. His leap and timing made him a consistent goalscorer and the most iconic Australian to play in England, with one of the most iconic celebrations.

There were so many strikers to choose from and Yakubu’s partner probably changes every single day. Just look at those honourable mentions. This time next week, we will be raging we snubbed Kanu. The week after that, it will be #JusticeForBenjani.

Honourable mentions: Tuncay Sanli, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, Peter Crouch, Michu, Amr Zaki, Jermain Defoe, Robbie Keane, Kanu, Clint Dempsey, Kevin Doyle, Obafemi Martins, Benjani Mwaruwari, Lomana LuaLua, Hugo Rodallega, Demba Ba, Papiss Cisse, Graziano Pelle, Ricardo Fuller, Kenwyne Jones, Jonathan Walters, Roman Pavyluchenko, Darren Bent, Marlon Harewood, Roque Santa Cruz, Stern John, Collins John, John Carew, Kevin Davies, Mark Viduka, Andy Johnson, Emile Heskey, Johan Elmander, Matt Derbyshire, Asamoah Gyan

Manager: Harry Redknapp
Sir Alex Ferguson is the most successful manager in Premier League history and made the Barclays his b*tch, but that doesn’t make him pure Barclays. Just as the best players, Thierry Henry, Ryan Giggs, and others, are not relevant when it comes to Barclaysmen.

It would be wrong to have anyone other than former West Ham, Portsmouth, Southampton, Tottenham and QPR manager Redknapp lead this team out. Now just f***ing run around a bit.

Honourable mentions: Sam Allardyce, Alan Pardew, Steve Bruce, David Moyes, Mark Hughes, Tony Pulis, Phil Brown

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