We have already heard repeatedly that "you cannot change anyone," yet people try to mold and shape their partners into someone else. Of course, this only leads to frustration and, potentially, a fight. Instead of manipulation, relationships need respect and understanding for each other. Here's why efforts to change your partner are doomed to fail.
The Need For Acceptance
Acceptance is at the core of any healthy relationship. In trying to change your partner, you are implying, in essence, that who they are is not good enough. This thinking creates stress, and your partner will feel belittled or judged. Rather than focusing on what you want to be different, you need to learn how to focus on why you fell in love in the first place. Acceptance doesn't mean overlooking some negative behaviors. It means accepting your partner's unique personality and flaws. The sooner you recognize perfection doesn't exist, the happier your relationship will be.
Why Change Leads To Resentment
Most often, trying to change your partner breeds resentment on both sides. Your partner may start feeling controlled or manipulated, while you will get frustrated when your efforts fail. There will be constant arguments and dissatisfaction in the relationship.
Over time, the culmination of these negative feelings can lower emotional intimacy and erode trust, leaving both parties feeling disconnected. Instead of trying to change your partner, help your partner grow. People grow when loved and supported for who they are rather than forced into change.
Change Must Come From Within
Actual change only comes from within, not from outside pressure. In areas where your partner may want to grow, that needs to be a self-decision. Forcing change will lead to a surge of resistance. When people feel supported and not coerced, they are more likely to make improvements. Differentiate between supporting your partner in his growth and controlling it. Encourage your partner by believing in them while they initiate the personal change.
Healthy Communication Is Key
Instead of trying to change your partner, have open conversations with them regarding things you may need from them. Perhaps they do not know there is something that irritates you. Open communication is the only way to share your concerns without making the other feel insufficient.
Also, when having these conversations, avoid accusatory language. For example, use "I" statements like "I feel upset when..." rather than "You always..." This language makes the discussion less confrontational and invites a more constructive response.
Know When To Let Go
Some traits run rather deep, and trying to change them often results in frustration and unhappiness. If this is the case, reconsider compatibility. If your partner's core values or life goals aren't in tune with yours, it's probably time to reevaluate the relationship.
You can't change your partner into being something they're not to satisfy your expectations. After all, it's more healthy that you be with someone whose values and personality are in tune with yours and not be bent on shaping them into an ideal partner for you.
Final Thoughts
Changing your partner seldom works and, in most cases, only causes more harm to the relationship. Work for acceptance and open lines of communication rather than trying to change your partner. Personal growth does not come from demanding it but from within a person. If you find yourself trying to change your partner all the time, then maybe this is an excellent time to take a closer look at whether the relationship is healthy for both of you.
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