Dear Abby: I hid my husband’s death from his mother

DEAR ABBY: My husband, “Guy,” and I enjoyed a happy marriage for 30 years, despite the fact that his mother disliked me and did everything she could to undermine our relationship. Guy died suddenly in his sleep last month while we were vacationing in South Asia. I cut the trip short, but between complying with local legalities, arranging for his cremation and his ashes’ return to the U.S., and rebooking an international flight, it took me five days to get home.

I decided not to tell anyone that Guy had died until I arrived home. I felt uncomfortable having people know when I was halfway around the world. So, once I was safely home, I immediately notified Guy’s family and my own family and ran an obituary in the local newspaper.

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His mother is livid with me for not telling her immediately. She sent me a vicious email in which she called me every bad name in the book, even hinting that I may have had something to do with Guy’s demise. I’m not going to respond to her, but was I wrong by delaying the announcement? Is there a rule that says his family was entitled to immediate notification? — SUDDEN WIDOW IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WIDOW: Guy’s mother is grieving. Her anger may stem from the pain of losing her son. She might have wanted the opportunity to see him one more time before he was cremated, if that was possible. If she really thinks you might have had something to do with his demise, offer her a copy of his death certificate.

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And no, there isn’t a rule of etiquette about notifying someone’s family about a death, although it usually happens at the time the person dies. That said, his mother should have taken into consideration the fact that you were in shock yourself and alone in a foreign country, which could account for why no one heard from you until you were safely home.

DEAR ABBY: I’m not exaggerating when I say my son and his wife are slobs. Their house is filthy, the outside is neglected and their cars are disgusting. They are both working professionals, and I understand that, but my husband and I are working professionals too, and we always cared for our home. That is the life my kids were used to.

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It’s difficult to spend time in their home. We no longer stay overnight because the perpetual chaos and dirtiness is stressful. My daughter struggles to be in their home for the same reasons. I am hoping for suggestions to help us maintain a good relationship but also to guide them gently. It’s not a healthy environment for their two children, either. — APPALLED MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR MOM: Your son and daughter-in-law are busy, and their priorities are different from yours. If their home is as bad as you say, my concern is for the children who are growing up to think this is normal. If they are earning good money at their jobs, perhaps they could afford hiring someone to do the cleaning and yard work they don’t have time for. You might gently suggest it, or offer to treat them once in a while. However, if they aren’t receptive, back off.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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