"I Hate That I Did That To My Son." Parents Are Revealing The Biggest Mistakes They Made While Their Kids Were Growing Up

We recently asked older adults of the BuzzFeed Community whose kids are grown up to tell us the biggest parenting mistakes they feel like they made. Here are the eye-opening results:

1. "Staying in an emotionally, psychologically, financially abusive relationship 'for the sake of the kids.' We're still picking up the pieces 10 years later."

— c4d91d1073

2. "I wish I'd attended more school functions and had been more present when they talked with me. There are no dire consequences like estrangement — just that I dearly miss seeing and hearing them every day."

— lasra

3. "I grew up a Gen X kid with parents who didn't show affection or say I love you, so I grew up feeling like I was missing something. It was easy to show my daughter affection and say, 'I love you,' but it became harder for some reason as she got older. I have talked to her about this and written her letters telling her that I absolutely love her even if I don't always say it. She understands, but I still don't know why saying those three words is so hard."

"She's become this beautiful, smart, and independent woman, and I'm so unbelievably proud of her, but we have a difficult time talking about the heavy emotional stuff . That's the way I remain with my mom to this day. I haven't repeated many of my parent's mistakes, but this is the one that I regret the most."

—48, North Carolina

4. "Arguing with their dad loud enough for them to hear. I've apologized to all three of them for that because they deserved better. I can't imagine trying to go to sleep when your parents are fighting. It's my biggest regret in life."

— acidiccrocodile93

5. "Taking the time to be present for each child’s emotional needs is absolutely the number one important parenting task. When a parent has more than one child, that seems like too overwhelming of a task to accomplish. To really have one on one time with each one, to be there to listen to everything that is on their mind, starting very young, is a tall order but a necessary one. The way to get and keep closeness is to start young with really listening to them and making their concerns valid. I raised four children by myself from my first marriage. While I did try what I thought was my best, I did work a lot, and yelled a lot."

"Now that I have one from a second marriage and the others are all grown up, I see now firsthand how to do it better. I hear all about the school day and all about all the worries and stresses of a young elementary school age child. I can only hope that she reaps the benefits of my efforts, continuing to be close as she gets older. Her much older sister did not have my full attention and guidance while growing up, and got into drugs by the time she was 16, ultimately dying from it by age 26. Although I feel like we did a lot of fun things together and had a good life together, the degree of closeness she needed to confide in me was missing. No one but another parent of a child who didn’t make it could possibly understand this horrendous pain. Parents, please stop yelling and start listening. Really being present requires us to fully mature as a human ourselves first, to then be able to truly unconditionally love and guide another human. Our job is way, way more important than anyone realizes."

—51, Pennsylvania

6. "I was (still am) a single parent to my daughter; her father is Chinese and never saw her. My biggest regret is thinking that she didn't need a father in her life — that I was enough. I had an argument with her a couple of years ago where she said to me, 'You don't know what it was like growing up with just one parent,' and that felt like a knife in my heart. Some weeks later, she explained that she missed out on a whole other side of her family and culture, so yeah, I got what she meant."

"I should have done more when she was younger to try and get her father's family involved in her life; her older half-brother saw her for a few months, but I should have done more. "

— clairecappleman

7. "Not apologizing. My parents never apologized, so neither did I. If I had a do-over, I would say I'm sorry for multiple things I screwed up for."

—53, Ohio

8. "If I could do it all over, I would have played more with them down at their level. I would have joined them in the pool, played hide and seek, played more board games, and laughed with them."

—Anonymous

9. "My daughter is 24 now and she's our only child. My biggest mistake was not standing up for her enough or helping her define and enforce her boundaries. She has always been a very sensitive person, which makes her very caring and understanding, but she also has a thinner skin than me and her mom. I wish I had used my voice to protect her boundaries as a kid. She still doesn't talk to a good portion of our family who would tease her or raise their voice at her because no one else had ever had a problem with it like she did."

"I wish I had said, 'Hey, she doesn't like that; you're not toughening her up, and you're just making your relationship worse. She doesn't like being spoken to like that — knock it off.' I think she'd have more confidence now and trust her own judgment more if I had stood up for her when she was a kid and people were pushing her boundaries. "

—63, Virginia

10. "I was a single mom for most of my son's upbringing; my regret is caving to societal 'norms' and trying to pair up. I had an ex-husband (only married for one year) and a long-term boyfriend (four years). I regret bringing both of them home. I also wish I had understood myself better, as I'm afraid that I turned my son into a bit of a loner. He seems to enjoy his solitude (as I do), but I often wonder if I made him that way because of my anxiety (which I didn't know I had until recently). I just worry that I should have tried to get him to be more social (he is autistic with low support needs)."

"On the upside, I often hope that God gave him to me because I WOULD understand his need not to be super social. So, I flip-flop on that frequently."

— starrcrossd

11. "I would NOT go back to work. I missed so many opportunities to do things with them, and they missed out on knowing the real me."

—62, Iowa

12. "I often tried to be their friend when I should have been more strict. Also, I should have kept a closer eye on their friend circle — too much influence. Having more confidence in myself as a parent would have mitigated both things."

—65, California

13. "Not encouraging them to have part-time jobs during their teens. They are now lost 30-somethings without careers or direction. I fought with their dad, but he emphasized their academic work. No! A teenage job is an essential part of growing up (if it happens)!"

—65, California

14. "I would have talked about emotions more and tried to teach them resilience. We didn't have any models for this when I was raising my kids."

—61, Connecticut

15. "Trusting my son too much. I was a single parent working full-time and attending school. My son attended a private high school and drove himself to school and back every day. One day in the morning, he told me he was sick and was going to stay home. I said ok, and when I got to work, I called his school to tell them he would be out sick. After placing me on hold, the person I was speaking with came back to the phone and said, 'Your son hasn't been to school in 28 days.'"

"Needless to say, I started driving him to school. I have no idea to this day why the school never contacted me to let me know he was absent. "

—59, Florida

And finally...

16. "I had my oldest son at 17 and was a single mom. From the ages of 7–12, I neglected my oldest son emotionally. I was selfish, partied, and spent many weekends during those years at some boyfriend's place. He was with his grandma and safe. I paid our mortgage, light bill, clothes, food, etc., but emotionally, I was so absent. When I came to my senses, he already had the world view of separation, rejection, and neglect. Now that he is older, he has mental health issues."

"I have apologized and asked forgiveness, which he has given. But that doesn't heal everything. I think you can tell what I would do differently if I could go back in time. I hate that I did that to my son. I hope one day, he knows truly, at his core, that he is worthy. He is deserving and valuable. I will walk with him every step to that healing."

—42, Ohio

Fellow parents with grown-up kids, what are the biggest parenting mistakes you feel like you made? Feel free to share your story in the comments below, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use this Google form .

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.