Teen loneliness a growing problem for decades, Boston doctor says

BOSTON -- Singer/songwriter Janis Ian may have learned the truth at seventeen -- but it wasn’t until 1975 she let the rest of the world in on that education. That summer, Ian scored her biggest hit: the haunting, heartfelt “At Seventeen,” which encapsulated a teenager’s struggles with loneliness.

“I learned the truth at seventeen

That love was meant for beauty queens.

And high school girls with clear skin smiles

Who married young and then retired.”

Ian, now 73, tells Boston 25 News the song was inspired by a New York Times article about a debutante

“She had thought that having a big prom and having all of these dues was going to make her perfect,” Ian remembered. “And she discovered that the more she did what she thought would lead to perfection the less perfect she felt.”

That search for perfection -- and at the same time, to fit in -- is the quintessential teenage struggle. One frequent by-product of that quest is loneliness -- a problem among teens that, according to the federal government, has only gotten worse since “At Seventeen” hit the charts.

“The Surgeon General and others have been following (teen) loneliness, and it’s been increasing steadily from 1976 to the present,” said psychiatrist Eugene Beresin, MD, MA, executive director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital. “So this is not, as many people think, a result of the Covid lockdown and pandemic -- although that did create a tremendous amount of loneliness.”

Beresin said that loneliness is rare among children up to 8-years-old, but dramatically increases as children enter adolescence. By the time the high school and college years roll around, 73% of teens and young adults (ages 16-24) report significant loneliness, he said -- more than twice the proportion of those 65 and older who say they are lonely.

But how can teens be more lonely now when there are so many more opportunities to connect? Beresin said that for some teens technology and social media, used properly, can, in fact, ease loneliness. But overall, the digital world is fraught with opportunities for estrangement.

“This fear of missing out, this high drama in checking your phone,” Beresin said. “It

can be used for bullying, for exclusion, for name calling.”

And then there is the distressing paradox of technological connection: the sheer disconnect it can create when it’s allowed to supplant face-to-face, real human interaction.

“Loneliness is the feeling of detachment or isolation from others,” Beresin said. “We humans are pack animals. We are wired to need relationships. And when we don’t have that opportunity it creates a sense of emptiness and isolation.”

Teens are particularly vulnerable to loneliness, he said, because to some extent it’s a normal part of growing up.

“You’re separating from your family, you’re learning autonomy, you’re learning to be self-sufficient,” said Beresin. “You have to find your own identity. And that’s a lonely process.”

And it’s a process that may go on well past the teenage years. Ian wrote “At Seventeen” at 23 -- when the pain of adolescence still lingered.

“To those of us who knew the pain,

the Valentines that never came.

And those whose names were never called

When choosing sides for basketball.”

“It was a hard song to write,” Ian said. “I was still very close to those years. I still felt very much like an ugly duckling. I still felt very much excluded from everything I wanted to be a part of. It was so close to the bone. Talking about being ugly. Talking about your face. Talking about your skin. I’d never heard any song like that.”

“And those of us with ravaged faces

Lacking in the social graces

Desperately remained at home

Inventing lovers on the phone.”

For the first six months after its release, Ian said she performed the song with her eyes closed -- so embarrassed was she by the lyrical rawness -- by the loneliness it described.

“A brown-eyed girl in hand me downs

Whose name I never could pronounce

Said, pity please the ones who serve

They only get what they deserve.”

Ian didn’t have social media to get herself through adolescence. But she did have this advice from an older friend: “She said, when you grow up you will be able to choose your own friends. You will find people like you. And that quote saved me because I clung to it.”

What can save teens today from loneliness?

Beresin said it can be as simple as, every now and then, setting technology aside.

“Put down the social media, put down the cell phones, take a walk in the woods,” he said. “Spend (face-to-face) time with each other. Those who do are less lonely. Those who do are more engaged. Those that do contribute to society, to their friends, to their community, to their places of worship. They are happier people and less lonely. So we kind of know where we need to go.”

But don’t go too far, Beresin said. Overscheduling is not a solution for loneliness, either.

“Many of the activities (children participate in) don’t involve attachment,” he said. “They involve doing things on your own. When playing sports, for example, they’re playing to be the best individual they can be. They’re not playing, necessarily, for the team.”

How can parents, caregivers, teachers and coaches spot a lonely teen? It’s not easy -- because many of the signs, Beresin said, are what you would see -- albeit with less intensity -- in almost any teen: depression, anxiety, trouble sleeping, marked behavioral change and, perhaps most obviously, extended social isolation.

And teens may be loath to admit to loneliness -- believing it signifies some kind of personal deficit or social failure. But for caregivers, disengaging from a lonely teen is not the answer.

“You want to ask about their struggles,” Beresin said. “You want to validate their experience. Listen to them.”

And Beresin said it’s important not to confuse loneliness with ‘alone time’ -- which teens often need. Solitude allows for reflection, growth -- periods to process the world teens will one day inherit: all its joys, its problems, its many challenges.

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