We all have traits that aren’t ideal, the ones that we know aren’t great about ourselves and we might cringe a little every time we catch ourselves in the throes of that trait. Some people would even label these traits as “toxic,” and can rapidly complicate or even destroy relationships . But what are toxic traits exactly? And what are the ones we should be on the lookout for, both in ourselves and in others, which can include family, friends and partners?
Related: 5 Unexpected Signs *You* Might Be the Toxic One in a Relationship—Plus, How To Break Free From the Behaviors
What Is the Definition of ‘Toxic’?
Although psychologist Dr. Wendy Walsh , a psychology professor and ambassador for the website DatingAdvice.com , says that the word “toxic” isn’t a clinical term, everyday people tend to use the word to describe someone who is guilty of boundary violations , or inflicts emotional or even physical pain on others.
Psychologist Dr. Scott Lyons says that word toxic literally means “harmful or poisonous,” “so when you’re talking about a toxic personality, it’s a trait or behavior that can cause harm or hurt to oneself or others,” he says to echo Dr. Walsh’s point.
Related: 12 Phrases to Shut Down a Toxic Friend, According to a Psychoanalyst
Why Do Some People Develop Toxic Personality Traits?
So, how do people become toxic? As Dr. Walsh points out, all personality types are partly genetic and partly learned behavior, even the ones that aren’t toxic.
But in the case of toxic individuals , “Most people who act in a very unhealthy way in their interpersonal relationships likely suffered some childhood trauma themselves,” Dr. Walsh says. “Many were abused as children. I often say that heroes and villains share one thing in common: they are both wounded. But a hero says, ‘I will make sure that nobody ever feels the pain that I felt.’ And a villain says, ‘I want to make sure everybody feels my pain.’”
Dr. Lyons believes that these traits grow from a strategy one needed at some point, in order to get their needs met or to feel safe.
Related: How to Spot the 5 Tell-Tale Signs of a Toxic Friendship
8 Toxic Traits To Watch Out for in Yourself and Others
1. Ignoring Boundaries
If people are toxic, Dr. Walsh calls them “boundary violators.”
“These are the people who stomp all over another person's boundaries ,” she says, and this can apply to time, personal space or money.
Dr. Lyons says that in general, boundaries are “so important for mental health and well-being.”
“When someone has toxic personality traits, they will often push these boundaries causing those around them to not feel safe,” he adds.
2. Acting Entitled
“When someone thinks they deserve more or better than others, this can be very toxic to those around them,” Dr. Lyons says. “It can often lead to resentment of or from others in their lives.”
Related: People Who Were 'Spoiled' as Children Usually Develop These 16 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
3. Gaslighting
Dr. Walsh says that gaslighters practice emotional manipulation by making partners doubt their own memories and thoughts. “And if someone tells you enough times that you remember it wrong, you do start to question your own mental health,” she says of this toxic trait.
4. Lying
It should come as no surprise that dishonesty and lies can be very toxic, both for those doing the lying and for those around them, as Dr. Lyons says.
“Not only does it cause all trust to be lost, but can also create a false reality for the person that may be lying,” he says.
Related: 15 Genius Phrases to Respond to a Toxic Friend's Text
5. Playing the Victim
Dr. Walsh says that the “playing the victim” trait is common among narcissists who prey on highly empathic partners.
“They tell sob stories and trauma dump as a way to obtain unending care,” she says. “Partners are left to constantly put their own needs aside while they attend to the victim.”
Dr. Lyons says that this is when someone thinks that everything is happening to them or that their situation is the worst. “They don’t view anything as a fault of their own actions. This can lead to a lack of ownership or responsibility,” he says.
6. Holding Grudges
“If someone regularly holds grudges against others, it can be very toxic, as they’re not able to move forward from certain situations,” Dr. Lyons says. “This can also be exhibited as someone stuck in the past."
Related: 7 Subtle Signs of Manipulation, According to a Psychologist
7. Constant Blaming
Playing the blame game is a toxic trait.
“Blamers never take responsibility for their behavior in any conflict ,” Dr. Walsh says. “In fact, they may even blame their partner for their own feelings. ‘You made me do it!’ is a common refrain. These people attempt to make their partner feel that anything wrong in the relationship is always their fault.”
8. Seeking Attention
Dr. Lyons says, “Someone that has to be the center of attention or craves attention can be very toxic. This person will typically say or do anything to get attention, which can impact them drastically in most social situations.”
Related: 8 Signs You Have Toxic In-Laws and How To Respond, According to Psychologists
What Are Some Ways to Undo Toxic Personality Traits?
If you are seeing these traits in yourself or in someone you love, with a little encouragement and the desire to change, they can be undone.
For this, Dr. Walsh stresses the importance of therapy , saying, “People have to hit a state of readiness where they want to change. Anyone can change, but it does take work, and that work is best done with a licensed therapist.”
Dr. Lyons agrees, saying that the number one way to undo any personality traits is to talk to a professional who can be supportive and empathetically begin to unpack why and how the traits came to be and are being used.
Related: It Takes Time and Effort—Here’s How To Rebuild Trust in a Relationship in 8 Steps
If you’re continuing to deal with a toxic person who has no interest in changing, Dr. Walsh shares this reminder: we teach people how to treat us. She says, “Our silence is consent. If they're violating our boundaries or insulting us or hurting us, it's incumbent on us to walk away, and not waste any time trying to change them." Yes, it’s true—some toxic relationships just can’t be saved.
Meanwhile, Dr. Lyons believes that in many cases it can be unfair to label people as toxic—not everyone who displays negative traits is a truly toxic person.
“Everyone’s situation is different, and it’s more important to seek help for behaviors like this than to label them,” he says.
Up Next:
Related: 25 Red Flags That Signify a Toxic Relationship, According to Psychotherapists
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