<body><div>Key points<ul><li>Anhedonia in adults can be the result of certain types of childhood trauma.</li><li>Parents compromised by a lack of empathic ability often compete with their children for happiness and joy.</li><li>The competition causes them to demean their child's happiness or to sabotage it.</li><li>Taking back the ability to experience pleasure is a critical part of recovery from repeated childhood trauma.</li></ul><figure><img src="https://img.particlenews.com/image.php?type=thumbnail_580x000&amp;url=3fhDpA_0vuNek0z00" alt="https://img.particlenews.com/image.php?url=3fhDpA_0vuNek0z00" width="320" height="351" ><figcaption>Is this what you look like when you should be pleased?</figcaption></figure>Repeated exposure to certain types of childhood trauma can result in the inability to experience pleasure (anhedonia) as adults. This manifests as these adults creating circumstances that should make them happy and then simultaneously experiencing anxiety or sadness. This causes a partial or complete loss of the ability to experience happiness or joy when good things happen. Recovering from this type of childhood trauma requires taking back the ability to enjoy the gifts and successes that life offers.Healthy parents experience joy vicariously when their child experiences joy. They empathize with their child. Healthy parents feel successful when their child celebrates achievement. As adults, these children seek whatever makes them happy and then revel in the joy of fulfillment of their quest.Unhealthy parents, such as those with borderline, narcissistic, or other personality disorders, have weak or no empathy. This prevents them from experiencing their children’s happiness and joy vicariously. As a result, they often become jealous of their child’s happiness and joy and become competitive with the child.Because the parent has the greater power in this relationship, they almost always win. When this is done consistently to a child throughout childhood, the child comes to expect that their happiness and joy will be taken away from them. This very quickly darkens most or all of their experiences of happiness and joy. Here are a few typical examples.<h2>Demeaning the Child’s Source of Happiness</h2>This occurs when the parent makes statements or takes actions to diminish the significance of the event that makes the child happy. One example is a parent not attending their child’s graduation from school, performance, ball game, recital, or other types of achievements. This is made even worse if the parent further trivializes the child’s event in the process of defending their decision not to attend.The following dialogue is an illustration. Peg expected her father to attend the high school soccer championship match, in which she started as the goalie. It was a tremendous achievement for her to earn the starter position, and she had been excited about it for weeks.She looked for her father in the crowds and became increasingly sad and anxious as the game progressed. She did not spot him, but he was home when she got back from the game.Peg: Dad, where have you been?Dad: Right here, honey.Peg: I thought you would come to my game. I was the starting goalie.Dad: That’s wonderful.Peg: I thought you would come and see it.Dad: I have to get up early tomorrow, and I am tired.Peg: The game started at 4 p.m. and was done by 6.Dad: I can watch you play soccer anytime.Peg: This was the championship!Dad: It’s just a soccer game. There will be plenty of others.The joy that Peg might have experienced was completely out of reach. She experienced anxiety during the game because she was afraid that her father would not show up.Her father had disappointed her before. When she was in the 6th grade play, he showed up late after the intermission. He promptly fell asleep, and she had to wake him to drive her home. She was mortified and deeply saddened.Each time he treated her like this, the feelings of sadness and dread increased in intensity. By the time she reached adulthood, the feelings of sadness and dread became preemptive, and her anhedonia captured her mood before happiness and joy could be experienced at all.<h2>Sabotage</h2>Even more harmful than demeaning the child’s joyful experiences is when the parent sabotages them. One example involves the parent preemptively sabotaging a joyful event. For example, Jim was preparing for his college graduation the following day. He was celebrating with his friends when his mother called him, and the following conversation ensued.Mom: Jimmy, I am having a hard time tonight. Can you come over and sleep on my couch so that I don’t have to be alone?Jim: I am sorry you are lonely, but I am at the frat with my friends, celebrating. I will see you tomorrow at the graduation.Mom: I will try to hang in there.Jim: What do you mean by that?Mom: Since your father left, I feel unsafe sometimes when I am alone.Jim: Make sure your doors and windows are locked.Mom: I mean unsafe with myself. Sometimes, I don’t know if I want to live anymore.Jim: Mom, this is my college graduation. Can we discuss this afterward?Mom: If I am around.Jim: What am I supposed to do?Mom: Can’t you just come over after you’re done with your friends?Jim: We are celebrating with alcohol. I can’t drive.Jim stayed with his friends, but he felt guilty and worried. These feelings persisted throughout graduation and ruined the event.As an adult, when joyful events occurred, such as his wedding, the birth of his first child, etc., he was shrouded in anticipation and dread that his mother would call, show up, or find some other way to rain on his parade. He also worried that others in his life might do the same. He struggled to derive any joy from these wonderful events in his life.If you experience anhedonia during joyful events and were raised by a parent with impaired empathy, your healing requires that you take back your ability to experience joy. The most effective way to do this is by installing interpersonal boundaries that prevent others from stealing your joy. One option is to not share your joyful experiences with others who have impaired empathy until after the event or at all.A more difficult but more durable option is to anticipate the demeaning and sabotage and learn to tune it out. This technique utilizes an intrapsychic boundary, where you block their influence on you emotionally without changing their behavior. Psychotherapy can help you develop and strengthen this ability so that you can heal from this aspect of your childhood trauma.</div></body>

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When Your Happiness Is Darkened by Anxiety or Sadness

Anhedonia in adults can be the result of certain types of childhood trauma. Parents compromised by a lack of empathic ability often compete with their children for happiness and joy. The competition causes them to demean their child's happiness or to sabotage it. Taking back the ability to experience pleasure...

When Your Happiness Is Darkened by Anxiety or Sadness

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