Why positive reinforcement works for kids

Once the sleepless baby days have passed, a new parenting challenge arises: figuring out how to regulate your child's behavior. Little kids have big emotions, which can lead to power struggles and some challenging behavior.

All kids are different, and there's no one "right" way to parent. That said, research suggests that using positive reinforcement with kids can result in overall better behavior and more resilience, especially when paired with age-appropriate boundaries and discipline.

What is positive reinforcement?

Positive reinforcement is a parenting tactic that focuses on noticing your child's appropriate behavior and rewarding it with attention, praise, or other rewards.

The more encouragement your child receives for a behavior, the thinking goes, the more likely they are to repeat it – and the less likely they are to engage in unwanted behaviors. It's especially effective when you set boundaries and use age-appropriate discipline.

For example, if your older child often grabs toys out of a younger sibling's hand, it's appropriate to respond in the moment by redirecting the older child toward playing with a different toy and allowing the younger child to finish their turn with the toy.

But many behavioral specialists would encourage you to focus your energy on rewarding your child every time you do see them sharing their toys .

Ultimately, child development experts say that positive reinforcement may result in overall better behavior by building your child's confidence, helping them feel more connected to you, and reducing conflict and stress for both of you.

Studies suggest that when parents practice appropriate positive reinforcement, kids are more likely to follow instructions and stay on task, while improving their play, social, and communication skills.

Examples of positive reinforcement

There's nothing young children crave more than spending time with their parents. For kids, parental attention is still attention – whether it's positive or negative. That means if your focus is on correcting your child when they push, hit, interrupt, or otherwise disobey you, you may actually encourage these same behaviors.

On the flipside, your child will be more likely to share, listen, and follow the rules if you notice and point out frequently when they are behaving well.

That's not to say you can't give your child limits around unwanted behavior. "Setting appropriate limits with natural consequences won't encourage unwanted behaviors," says Kelley Yost Abrams , Ph.D., a developmental psychologist and member of BabyCenter's Medical Advisory Board .

The key is setting natural consequences for your child's behavior – for example, when your child makes a mess, the natural consequence is to have them help you clean it up (or clean it up themself, if they're old enough).

"Helping clean up the toys gets the job done sooner so there's more time to snuggle with Mom and read books – the 'reward' is the time and connection with Mom," Dr. Yost Abrams says.

Rewards can be immediate and free – words, praise, or cuddles – or involve something more concrete, like privileges or small toys. Take care not to use too many external rewards like toys and stickers, though. Experts say that natural consequences – and natural rewards – work best in the long term.

"External rewards take away from internal motivation and often backfire, with kids wanting an external reward for everything they do," Dr. Yost Abrams says.

Here are some examples of how to use positive reinforcement in specific situations:

• Forgets to say please and thank you: Always model these words when you talk, and call out each and every time your child uses them when they ask for a cup of water or a toy. "Nice work. You remembered to say please!"
• Delays putting on their shoes before school: Mornings can be tricky. Give your child extra help by creating a chart listing challenging morning activities, like getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing their teeth, and putting on their shoes. "Making the chart visual helps children learn and remember the tasks better than just using words," Dr. Yost Abrams says. You don't need to give them a physical reward for doing everything on the chart – "getting out of the house more smoothly is reward enough," says Dr. Yost Abrams.

Making the chart visual helps children learn and remember the tasks better than just using words. - Dr. Kelley Yost Abrams, developmental psychologist

• Gets up from the table during meals: Young kids have short attention spans and can struggle to sit still for more than a couple of minutes. While it might feel counterintuitive, consider offering your child an option: Either sit down and eat, or, if you need to move around, go into the living room to play by yourself. Your child wants to be with you, so they may very well opt to sit at the table (or leave and come back quickly). Thank them when they do sit down to eat, but don't go overboard – heaping on the praise may backfire and make your child feel like you're trying to control them.
• Grabs toys from friends or siblings: Call out every time your child shares with others, using specific words ("You're so good at sharing your blocks!") and give them a high five or a hug.
• Struggles to wait their turn: The concept of time is hard for little ones, and any amount of waiting can feel like forever. If you know you'll be in a situation where you'll have to wait, prepare your child by giving them a heads-up before you leave. ("We're going to the grocery store. We'll have to wait in line while we're there, but we can quietly play while we do.") Bring along a favorite toy or game to keep them occupied, or start a conversation ("Where do you see the color red?"). Then praise your child for their patience. You can also promise a reward, like a trip to the park after the post office. Just make sure to immediately follow through with your promise.
• Frequently interrupts your conversations: There's nothing your child wants more than your attention – that's partly why they're interrupting in the first place! The next time your child interjects during a conversation, respond assertively but clearly. For example: "I'm talking to Daddy right now, but I want to hear what you have to say. You can tell me as soon as we finish." Then continue your adult conversation, aiming to pause or wrap it up quickly. Then praise your child ("Thank you for waiting! Now tell me what you wanted to say.") and actively listen and respond. A few seconds of undivided attention can make a big difference.
• Refuses to go to bed: This is tricky and dependent on lots of factors, including your child's age. Often, kids struggle at bedtime because they're anxious about separating from you or crave more attention. A "reward" might be a consistent bedtime routine that helps them not only wind down but bond with you – reading a story, singing a song, talking about their day, cuddles. You might even create a "bedtime box" that you go through together every night, with objects that stimulate their senses, like a soft or squishy toy, some paper to crumple or rip, a scent they can sniff or spray on their pillow, or mint tea to drink. You might also consider a reward chart, where your child gets a sticker for staying in their room after the lights are off.
• Doesn't clean up messes: Focus on what your child gets to look forward to after the mess is cleaned up. "We're going to go see Grandma when you clean up all those puzzle pieces!" Then celebrate when they do clean up, and be sure to head out the door right away.

How to use positive reinforcement for toddlers and kids

Positive reinforcement can fit in with a variety of parenting styles , even those that involve more rules and discipline, as long as you stick to a few general rules:

• Be specific. Instead of simply saying "good job," use descriptive words that point out exactly what your child did well: "Nice work waiting patiently for your turn on the swing!"
• Be consistent and strategic. If you're working on a new or challenging behavior, recognize and reward your child every time they comply. As your child starts doing the desired behavior more often and on their own, you can praise them consistently but less frequently.
• Follow through. If you promise you'll go to the park after your child cleans up their room, hit the pavement when the last block hits the box. Sticking to your word helps build your child's confidence that you mean what you say.
• Reward effort. Even if your child doesn't get it exactly right, notice and reward them for trying.
• Note your child's preferences. Does your child seem to be more motivated by verbal praise or hugs? Try to focus on incorporating more of these responses into your day.
• Give your child control… If you're offering a reward, choose a couple of options you're comfortable with and ask your child what they prefer. For example: "Would you like to pick out a small toy at the toy store, or take a special trip to the aquarium?"

• …but focus on "natural reinforcement." As much as possible, offer praise, attention, and hugs, rather than physical rewards like toys or treats.

• Spend time together. The more connected your child feels to you, the more effective positive reinforcement will be. Really listen and make eye contact when they talk to you, and make sure to play together, read, sing, listen to music, and dance.
• Plan ahead. Boredom can lead to mischief and meltdowns. You don't have to play court jester, but good behavior gets a boost when you come prepared with engaging toys, books, and music on hand.
• Don't compare your child. Some kids intuit positive behavior just by observing adults and their peers, while others need more guided instruction. Try to stay patient and focus on positive progression in your child's behavior over time. Remember it can take one to two weeks of consistency to see your child practicing a new skill.

Positive reinforcement for toddlers

Toddlers have different developmental needs from older children, so positive reinforcement will look different. Here are some specific ways you can use positive reinforcement with your toddler:

• Reward your child right away. Don't wait for later in the day or week to reward wanted behavior. Immediately respond when you see your child behaving well.
• Plan "special time." Set aside five to 10 minutes a day where you put away your phone and give your child your undivided attention. A little bit goes a long way.

Positive reinforcement for children

Once your child gets older, they can handle more complicated concepts. Here are a couple of ways you can tailor positive reinforcement to an older child:

• Make a chart. Getting a chart and treating it like a checklist can help reinforce certain behaviors – like remembering every step of a morning routine or keeping track of chores. Your child will get a sense of accomplishment if they get to put a sticker on the chart every time they brush their teeth or put their dirty dishes in the sink.
• Create opportunities to be good. Give your child simple responsibilities, like clearing the table after dinner or cleaning up their room after playing, that allow you to praise their good behavior.

Key Takeaways

• Positive reinforcement is a parenting tactic that focuses on acknowledging and rewarding wanted behaviors, rather than punishing unwanted behaviors.
• Studies have shown positive reinforcement works to help kids repeat desired behaviors (like sharing) and reduce unwanted behaviors (like impatience).
• Positive reinforcement goes hand-in-hand with age-appropriate discipline, like natural consequences.
• There are many ways to practice positive reinforcement, including being specific with your praise, rewarding effort (not just results), and creating opportunities for your child to do the right thing.