Satire: 10 Signs You're a Pessimist

Do these things fit you?

PessimistPhoto byCartoon by Jerry King

Has life kicked you in the groin repeatedly? Do you constantly feel that the glass is half empty? And that what’s in it is polluted? When your spouse tells you you’re the only one for them, do you lose respect for them because they are settling? Are you surprised each day just to wake up?

If life has proven difficult for you, it might have made you into a pessimist. How can you tell? Check out these guidelines below.

1: When you hear the song lyrics, “You get the best of my love,” you become suspicious.

Rather than finding those lyrics reassuring you wonder, “Who’s getting the second-best?”

2: You gain no relief from mental health professionals.

You tell them you lack self-confidence and they commend you on finally facing reality.

3: You find it difficult to forgive and forget.

Sure you find it easy to forget, but forgive, not so much. Therefore, you walk around mad at people butcanremember why. Now, where did I leave my glasses?

4: Do happy people annoy you?

When you see happy people do you immediately think they aren’t aware of what’s going on around them? Or maybe they’re plotting something? Probably against you? Are you the cure for a previously incurable optimist? Do pharmacists write a prescription for you when somebody needs a downer?

5: You are constantly aware that all good things come to an end.

Usually, about the time they come around to you. For example, when you were a kid, you ran down the ice cream truck only to find they had already sold out.

6: You don’t like change.

Even if you think your current situation stinks, you resist the idea of adjusting. Like the guy in the circus who was shoveling after up the elephants when asked why didn’t he quit and replied, “And give up show business?” Would you rather keep shoveling than make a change?

7: The worst-case scenario is always your default position.

For example in the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic (words you never thought you’d see together) Kindergarten Cop, Arnold complains to a class of small kids about having a headache. One kid responds, “Maybe it’s a tumor.” If you immediately think you're going to die whenever you have an ailment, you’re probably a pessimist. Or a hypochondriac.

8: You find compliments hard to accept.

Possibly because you’ve received so few. You’ve prepared for almost any contingency, except being appreciated.

9: Your favorite motivational speaker was Matt Foley.

Living in a van down by the river sounds pretty good to you. You prefer Matt Foley over Zig Ziglar because Matt kept it real.

10: You post an article on News Break, but you don’t think it will make any money.

And you’re probably right for the first 50 times. If you’re a pessimist you won’t give yourself the opportunity to see if you lack talent or perseverance.