It can feel like all social graces have gone out the window these days. Remember when religion and politics were off-limits at dinners with your extended family and friends? Now, you may be bracing yourself for takes that are hotter than whatever just came out of the oven at your next gathering.
Social norms are changing, but one etiquette expert says it's crucial to understand how the habits we keep may affect the company we keep.
"When we enter relationships with others—friendships, family relationships, work relationships and romances—we do want other people to feel considered and important," says Jenny Dreizen , a modern-day etiquette expert and COO of Fresh Starts Registry. "It is vital to remember that impact is often more important than intent."
Dreizen is begging people—however well-meaning—to be mindful of adapting this common social habit. Because it's usually never too late to break social habits, she also shared top tips for nixing it and when to give yourself (and your people) a pass.
Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Stop This Surprisingly Common Habit in Social Settings
The Common Social Habit To Avoid or Break ASAP
Chronic lateness. Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule—and we'll get there. However, Dreizen says being chronically late shows a disinterest or inability to prioritize showing up on time. That can rub people the wrong way and even come off as self-centered.
"When this becomes chronic, when you've left your friend at the coffee shop waiting for you over and over again, it might begin to come off to them as if you are unworried about their time or their plans," Dreizen says.
But...but the traffic was a nightmare! Your meeting went long! Yes, life happens. Being late once in a while isn't the issue here.
"When you are a person that generally arrives on time and is late—which is going to happen—there is a grace offered because you have not already exhausted all of it," Dreizen says.
"Chronic" is the keyword. However, you can be a well-meaning, good person and someone who could stand to work on becoming more punctual. You may even have a perfectly solid reason for habitual lateness.
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"Some people might feel that it must be OK to be chronically late because they do not feel they can control their lateness," Dreizen says. "There are many reasons people feel unable or incapable of showing up on time, but that doesn't mean you can't do things to mitigate the situation."
For instance, if traffic is a chronic issue, you could plan to leave earlier so that your punctuality doesn't follow suit. Others might be aware of time but do not consider it a priority.
"Others might feel that it's no big deal and that adults are responsible for their own time," Dreizen says. "They are capable of being on time but are generally unconcerned about time."
However, Dreizen says it's important to care—and try to be on time—because chronic lateness can exhaust a community, regardless of your intent.
Related: 5 Unexpected Signs *You* Might Be the Toxic One in a Relationship—Plus, How To Break Free From the Behaviors
When Chronic Lateness Is Justified
According to Dreizen, it's best to try to arrive at the agreed-upon time. However, seasons of life change, and some people may need some grace as they adjust to a new normal.
"Every situation is different, but it is important to offer grace and empathy to our people," Dreizen explains. "When your people are going through big life changes, we want to extend extra grace and understanding.
For instance, new babies can "really throw off your plans," Dreizen says. Importantly, so can caring for a sick older child or adult, like an aging parent.
"When we introduce influences in people's lives that can throw wrenches in the plan, we want to meet our people with empathy and care," Dreizen continues. "Additionally, a loss or an unexpected life event can really throw people for a loop and may result in a period of instability, which amounts to lateness. "
Related: How Late Is Too Late To Cancel Plans? What Etiquette Experts Wish Everyone Knew
How To Handle Relationships if You've Been Chronically Late
1. Own it
Dreizen says you can start the healing process by offering explanations, which are not excuses.
"An explanation is when you admit fault and make real efforts to correct the situation in the future," Dreizen explains.
For instance, you might say, "I am so sorry. My ADHD gives me time blindness, and I got deeply into work and totally lost track. I know I do that a lot. I am going to start setting an alarm for 30 minutes before I need to leave and another at the time I need to leave, and hopefully, I do not leave you sitting here at the restaurant for 40 minutes waiting for me again."
On the other hand, Dreizen says an excuse is when a person admits fault but makes no real effort to change their circumstances. For example, "I have time blindness. I am really sorry, but what can I do?"
Related: 11 Best Phrases To Use When Canceling Plans, According to Etiquette Experts
2. Work on it
Actions speak louder than words. Back up your promises to your community to be more punctual by adopting new habits. Dreizen says some ways to give yourself a better chance of rolling in on time include:
- Planning your route far ahead of time, including time to find your things, get to transportation and park (Bonus tip: "Round up and then add five minutes," Dreizen says.
- Set an alarm and don't ignore it.
- Set another alarm—don't ignore that one, either.
- Make a plan to be early and bring a book.
- Try to stay aware of the time and avoid getting involved in an engaging activity close to when you need to get ready to leave.
3. Communicate lateness
Progress isn't linear, and sometimes something will legitimately come up. Communication is key.
"If you're meant to be somewhere in 20 minutes and you're 30 minutes away, let whoever you're meeting know," Dreizen says. "They'll be far happier to browse a bookstore or leave a few minutes later than sit around waiting for you."
Dreizen recommends using quick phrases like, "I am so sorry to do this, but I wanted you to know I am running behind by 15 minutes."
If you're super behind, try this one: "Apologies, I am running late by 40 minutes. Let me know if it's better for you to just reschedule."
Up Next:
Related: 11 Signs You Might Be 'Socially Inept,' Psychologists Say
Source:
- Jenny Dreizen , a modern-day etiquette expert and COO of Fresh Starts Registry
Local News
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