We've come to accept the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but the data is a bit more complex. As a baseline, research suggests that 41% of first marriages end in divorce.
Numbers can feel somewhat impersonal when talking about something as emotionally charged as divorce , especially if children are involved. For them, a divorce can have long-lasting impacts, including in any romantic relationships they develop (or subconsciously sabotage) as adults.
"Divorce can often cause great emotional turmoil, affecting personal stability and mental health," says Dr. Dakari Quimby, Ph.D . , a clinical psychologist for HelpGuide Handbook. "Children may experience insecurities and question the reliability of relationships."
That said, the "child of divorce" distinction doesn't only come with a life doomed to gloom.
"There can be positives," Dr. Quimby says. "You might discover new strengths and independence you didn't realize you had. Observing parents seeking their own happiness separately can teach lessons in adaptability and personal growth."
Below, psychologists live in the gray area of divorce, honoring its complexity of how it can shape the children who didn't have a say in the matter. People whose parents got divorced often develop these 12 traits in adulthood.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
12 Traits of People Whose Parents Got Divorced in Their Childhood, According to Psychologists
1. Trust issues
One psychologist has endless empathy for children of divorce who display this trait in adulthood.
"It is not surprising that people whose parents divorced might have a difficult time trusting other people," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D. , a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
Dr. Goldman says trust issues can be traced back to uncertainty around whether a parent will be there for them or, more general, such as feeling like "People don't stay around."
2. Fear of abandonment
Trust issues can bleed right into a fear of abandonment.
"Adults whose parents got divorced during their childhood may have a deep-seated fear of abandonment because of the instability they experienced from their parents' divorce," says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D. , a licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry. "They may worry and be anxious about their partner leaving them and ending the relationship."
Dr. Quimby echoes these sentiments.
"Witnessing instability might lead to worries about making long-term commitments and fear of abandonment," Dr. Quimby says.
Related: People Who Moved at Least Once During Childhood Usually Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
3. Hesitancy with intimacy
Trust is also a pillar of a healthy intimate relationship, but we've established that children of divorce may continue to lack it as grown-ups.
"With the looming notion that people leave” in the back of someone’s head, they can be quite guarded," Dr. Goldman says. "This is a form of self-protection."
She explains that people may think, "Why get so close to someone if they're going to leave?"
"It can make it very difficult to get to know them and fully connect with them," she continues. "That makes relationships more one dimensional and less intimate and fulfilling."
4. Self-blame and doubt
You're not alone if you're a grown and flown child of divorce, and all fingers point to you. (PS: all of those fingers are yours.)
"This generally happens with people who feel some sense of self-blame for their parent’s divorce," Dr. Goldman says. "They might question their role in things going poorly and might not stand up for themselves in situations."
In some cases, Dr. Goldman has noticed people start questioning their worth, such as if they consciously or unconsciously think their "parents didn't love them enough to stay."
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5. Overanalyzing relationships
Self-doubt can extend to relationships.
"You may be more sensitive to dynamics in your relationships because you observed their parents' struggles," Dr. Schiff says. "They might be attuned to subtle cues or tensions and will overthink and be anxious about the relationship dynamic."
Related: 5 Phrases a Relationship Therapist Is Begging Couples To Stop Using ASAP
6. Negative outlook on relationships
Often, the rumination and analyzing prompts a poor view of relationships.
"Children of divorce might have generally negative views on relationships," Dr. Goldman says. "They anticipate that relationships are going to end—platonic or romantic."
7. Having a "type"
Adults whose parents got divorced during childhood may be more likely to have a "type," though what that means can vary based on experience.
"For example, someone might find a partner who loves taking care of other people." Dr. Goldman says. "This increases the chances that this person will, metaphorically speaking, parent them and likely not leave them."
The opposite can also be true.
"It is also possible that someone might choose a partner who is overly reliant and dependent on them to ensure the likelihood that the partner will stay in the relationship," Dr. Goldman says. "These choices might not be conscious but do increase the feeling of security in the relationship."
Related: 7 Signs You Were Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents, According to a Psychologist
8. Nervousness about becoming parents
Kids aren't for everyone—and that's OK. However, children of divorce can have heightened anxiety around becoming parents themselves.
"There might be concerns such as, 'What if my marriage ends in divorce? Do I want to put my child through that?'" Dr. Goldman says.
Dr. Goldman says these thoughts can run through a person's head even if they are happily married—and they don't stop there.
"There also might be questions about competence as a parent, such as, 'Maybe I don’t know how to be a parent because my parents were not around,'" she explains. "There can be mindfulness around parenting decisions, as well as feelings of uncertainty around parenting."
9. Financial management skills
Children of divorce are more likely to see one or both parents have to make financial adjustments post-split. Sometimes, they may truly pinch pennies.
"Financially, managing life post-divorce can feel overwhelming, making even basic necessities hard to afford," Dr. Quimby says.
While it's hard to grow up in this environment, Dr. Quimby says children of divorce can flip it to a positive.
"Early financial difficulties can lead to better financial management later in life," Dr. Quimby says.
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
10. Independence
Children of divorce often understand the value of independence. Dr. Goldman says they may have heard their parents say things like, "Don't rely on a man to do things for you" or "Learn to take care of yourself."
"Learning not to rely on others and the sense of being able to stand on one’s own leads to an independent and reliable person," Dr. Goldman says.
However, she and Dr. Schiff cautioned that this one has pros and cons.
"They might overemphasize independence since they learned that relying on other people is risky," Dr. Schiff says. "They might be less likely to seek help or support and reach out to others in times of need."
11. Empathy
Empathy is a sign of high emotional IQ, and children of divorce may have a leg-up in this department.
"The need to navigate complex emotional situations can improve one’s empathy," Dr. Quimby says.
Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
12. Resilience
Children of divorce had to overcome a significant life change at a young age (plus the ripple effect it caused). It can have a positive ripple effect in adulthood.
"Growing up in a home where there is frequent conflict can lead a child to need to learn how to self-soothe," Dr. Goldman says.." Children will find various ways to manage on their own if their parents are not very present. This trait carries into adulthood and adults can be quite resilient and overcome many challenges."
Related: What Your Sibling Birth Order Reveals About Your Love Language, According to Psychologists
How To Heal From Childhood Divorce as an Adult
1. Validate yourself
You may feel ridiculous for still caring that your parents split decades later. Don't.
"If you are still struggling with your parents' divorce as an adult, first acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to feel your feelings," Dr. Schiff says. "This is important in processing your experiences and beginning to heal."
Related: People Who Felt Lonely as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Examine your struggles
Divorce isn't one-size-fits-all, and what is still bothering you about your experience may be different from a sibling who grew up alongside you.
"It is important to understand the ways in which you are still struggling," Dr. Goldman says.
She suggests reflecting on questions like:
- Do you struggle in your relationships with one or both of your parents?
- Is the challenge in your home life with your partner?
- Is it in your relationships with your own children?
"Examine what it is that you’re having a hard time with and come to acknowledge the fact that you are struggling," Dr. Goldman says.
3. Find support
Dr. Goldman says it can help to find an unbiased third party to help you work through your feelings.
"It can allow space to talk about the impact of divorce and how the divorce continues to play a role in your life at the present time," she says. "People can explore specifics of their thoughts, feelings and relationships in nuanced ways in therapy."
The introspection can lead to healing and growth.
"It helps to change the ways in which you might be relating to divorce and identify why the divorce has had such an impact on development," Dr. Goldman explains.
Up Next:
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers' Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Sources:
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