<body><div><img src="https://img.particlenews.com/image.php?type=thumbnail_580x000&amp;url=4Z4FsA_0w7WZBFj00" alt="https://img.particlenews.com/image.php?url=4Z4FsA_0w7WZBFj00" width="1528" height="800" ><ul><li>Emotional forgiveness has a strong influence on forgetting and remembering romantic experiences.</li><li>The right to remember the good and to forget the bad is central to romantic relationships.</li><li>The right to be forgotten expresses the wish to be judged according to present, but not past actions.</li></ul>“Don't forget to remember me and the love that used to be.” —Bee Gees“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” —Lewis SmedesDo we have the right to be remembered favorably by our ex-lover? And if we’ve made mistakes in the past, are we justified in asking our partner to forgive and forget?<h2>The Right to Be Remembered</h2>Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.” —Flavia Weedn“We may not meet again, but you, the love of my life, will always remain in my heart.” —A married woman to her ex-lover“I like to remember my previous lovers, because I have fondness towards those people and appreciation for what they taught me. However, I don't tend to reminisce about the past in a nostalgic way the way many people do.” —A polyamorous womanIn our goal-oriented society, the past is of little concern: our gaze is directed at the future, where our plans are headed. Although the past is unchangeable and irremediable, its impact on us is immense. Remembering the past often occurs spontaneously, but sometimes, we should invest deliberate effort in remembering people and past experiences. Requesting that our ex-lovers do not forget to remember us after a break-up is reasonable, since it tries to prevent the erasure of a meaningful past, even if that memory has no practical consequences. Lovers want to cherish previous pleasant romantic experiences alongside their current ones. Being easy to forget is insulting.We should distinguish between semantic memory, which focuses on knowledge of the world, and episodic memory, which revisits a scene and re-experiences it (Russell, 2014). Semantic memory is hardly problematic in romantic relationships since it lacks the emotional aspect. As one woman said, “I never forget my exes. They were, after all, a huge part of my life in the past. But that doesn't mean I still have feelings for them.” Episodic memory, which typically involves emotional experiences, is valuable when directed at our current romantic partner. Reexperiencing previous shared romantic experiences, such as our first date, reawakens positive memories and emotions, thereby creating a pleasant atmosphere and enhancing the relationship quality. However, repeatedly reexperiencing previous experiences we had with our exes may harm the current romantic relationship, since we tend to idealize the past. Nevertheless, although it is obstructive to ruminate about meaningful past events, neglecting the past can be equally problematic (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019, here).Marie Thouin suggests that while in monogamy, people typically don't want to hear about their partner's ex-lovers and attraction towards other people, in polyamory talking about ex-lovers and concurrent attractions is considered normal (Thouin, 2024). Nevertheless, allowing the past and the extended present a greater role in our life, which seems natural, has a price. Polyamorous relationships are short: the average length of primary relationships is about eight years, and the total length of all relationships with other partners is about five years (here).<h2>The Right to Be Forgotten</h2>“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.” —Confucius“Happiness is good health and a bad memory.” —Ingrid BergmanThe right to be forgotten is of particular concern in contemporary society, where people wish for their personal information to be removed from the Internet and other public domains. This desire stems from the desire to be evaluated in light of our present deeds, which better express our current character than the remote past. This concern makes up the basis of the legal statute of limitations, which sets the maximum time after an event for legal proceedings to be initiated. A similar rule in the romantic realm would be the right for romantic misdeeds to be forgotten, such as infidelity.The right to be forgotten, which involves revoking public access to past information, is different from the right to privacy, which refers to presently unknown information. The right to romantic privacy, our right to keep our romantic life confidential, is natural. Although we are social animals, each of us deserves unique amounts of private space. The romantic right to be forgotten, the wish to erase negative past information, is more complex, since the past is still relevant to our present and future. However, it is usually the present and recent past, rather than the remote past, that better indicate our current nature. Coping with this complexity should consider the extent and amount of consideration given to the remote past, while admitting that people can profoundly change.<h2>The Right to Be Forgiven: Calmness and Mindfulness</h2>To err is human; to forgive, divine.” —Alexander Pope“My desire is to be a forgiving, non-judgmental person.” —Janine TurnerForgiveness requires a shift from negative to positive feelings (or at least, neutral ones) after a transgression committed by another, and its value has been disputed. While in many religions, forgiveness is considered a virtue, it has also been criticized. Friedrich Nietzsche, for example, regards forgiveness as a weakness and vice. However, empirical studies have found significant benefits forgiveness provides for the physical and mental health of both the offending and the forgiving person. Emotional forgiveness is significantly more important than cognitive forgiveness and is expressed in the decrease of negative affective experiences and the increase of positive ones, with a strong influence on forgetting. While forgiving remains an effortful process, forgetting may actually become easier as a result of emotional forgiveness (Lichtenfeld et al., 2015; Noreen et al., 2014; here, and here).Profound forgiveness can be regarded as a positive character trait (Tirrell, 2022), which is associated with a suitable, comprehensive attitude, such as calmness, which requires acceptance of occurrences, like other people’s deeds that are beyond our control (here), and mindfulness, which entails the monitoring of one’s experiences with an accepting and open stance towards the actions of others. Research indeed indicates that forgiveness is linked to both partners’ mindfulness and relationship satisfaction (Karremans, et al., 2020; Kaya &amp; Odacı, 2024; Roberts, et. al., 2021).In conclusion, the romantic right to be remembered and forgotten is not an absolute right, but rather conditional to being immune to the negative side-effects of the current romantic relationship and our well-being. Such rights can be valuable if they involve profound emotional forgiveness, which is often associated with calmness and mindfulness. We cannot change the past, but we can change our evaluation of it, while realizing that no one is perfect and people can change. Accordingly, we can and often should forgive others and ourselves for our previous misdeeds, while cherishing positive emotions. As Bernard Meltzer puts it, “When you forgive, you in no way change the past — but you sure do change the future.”</div></body>

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The Role of Forgiveness in Romance

Emotional forgiveness has a strong influence on forgetting and remembering romantic experiences. The right to remember the good and to forget the bad is central to romantic relationships. The right to be forgotten expresses the wish to be judged according to present, but not past actions. “Don't forget to remember...

The Role of Forgiveness in Romance

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