This Therapist Is Sharing The 8 Unhealthy Things Most Couples Do In Relationships That Further Cause Conflict

As I've gotten older, I've learned that for a partnership to be considered healthy, both people need to feel like there’s an equal balance in the effort that a flourishing relationship requires.

Of course, occasional conflicts and disagreements will arise even in a healthy relationship, but most experts agree that how both partners resolve those conflicts matters most. Easier said than done, right?

I got in touch with Dr. Terri Orbuch , PhD, a therapist and relationship expert at DatingAdvice, to share her insight on conflict resolution within romantic relationships so you can maybe save yourself some money on a therapy session and learn how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

"Some conflict with your partner is normal. You come from different backgrounds, families (etc.), so how could you expect to agree on everything? Also, a total lack of conflict with your partner probably means you aren’t dealing with the things that matter," Dr. Orbuch said.

"Most studies find that conflict is not detrimental to a relationship in and of itself but how you handle or resolve your differences," she added.

Dr. Orbuch said some couples fight over big values and issues like religion, finances, money, and politics. Recently, politics or beliefs about social justice, diversity, and equity (given the election in November) have become a very common large issue that many couples disagree about," she said.

However, there are smaller issues that many couples also have conflict over. “These are the annoyances that one partner has about another partner’s behaviors or habits, such as loading the dishwasher, keeping the toilet seat up, putting toilet paper on the dispenser, or rolling the toothpaste after it is used," Dr. Orburch adds.

"These annoyances may seem small, but my research shows they get bigger over time if you don’t address the little stuff in your relationship . What starts out as small and easily fixable can turn into more serious problems that are eventually very difficult to deal with," Dr. Orbuch continued.

Regardless of what the issue at hand is between two people, Dr. Orbuch explained the many things couples could be doing wrong when it comes to resolving conflict within their relationships. "Ultimately, couples need to 'fight fair.' Resolving the conflict or differences is very difficult when a couple or one partner doesn't fight fairly," she explained.

Below are specific examples from Dr. Orbuch of what couples are doing wrong when it comes to resolving conflict and what it means to argue unfairly:

1. Resolving conflict destructively.

Dr. Orbuch said examples of this are name-calling, yelling, or throwing things out of frustration or anger.

2. Stonewalling.

"Stonewalling is when a partner leaves the room and the partner without saying anything or addressing their concerns or their partner's concerns," explained Dr. Orbuch.

3. Attacking a partner's perceived character traits, rather than their behaviors.

"Rather than saying, 'You are such a slob,' you can say, 'I get upset when you throw your clothes on the floor.' Rather than, 'You're lazy and inconsiderate,' you can say, 'When you leave glasses and dishes in the TV room, I get upset because the house feels chaotic to me,' Dr. Orbuch said.

4. Kitchen sinking.

"This is when a partner brings up all of the problems or issues that have been accumulating over time into one conversation," Dr. Orbuch explained.

5. Dismissing your partner's feelings.

"Saying things to your partner like, 'That is such a crazy thing to say,' or 'You can't feel that way,'" are examples of this, according to Dr. Orbuch.

6. Using "You" language, along with absolutes.

Dr. Orbuch provided examples of this, such as, "You are never there to support me" or "You are always late."

7. Blaming your partner for your feelings or actions.

"So instead of telling your partner, 'You made me feel upset,” (e.g., blaming them for how you feel), you might say, 'I'm not comfortable with what just happened,'" said Dr. Orbuch.

8. Not paying attention to your body language when you try to resolve or discuss an issue.

"Our nonverbal body language — such as a facial expression, whether we look at our partner, how we have our hands, how we sit, etc. — all communicate meaning to our partner. Findings show that if there is a discrepancy between our verbal and nonverbal communication, the truth lies in the non-verbal communication," Dr. Orbuch explained to BuzzFeed.

"For example, if your hands are clenched, and arms are folded across your body, and you're not looking at your partner (while discussing an issue) — but you're saying, 'I understand. I hear you. You are sending a message that you are upset, do not understand, and do not agree with your partner. Pay attention to your body language when you resolve or discuss an issue (verbally). Our partner will [most likely] read the meaning and interpret the non-verbal," she continued.

"All of these mistakes can be hard to break because they are often strategies learned in childhood and observed from significant others — such as parents, grandparents, or friends. They are often responses that are triggered when we get upset, frustrated, or defensive," explained Dr. Orbuch.

After reading through that list, if you and/or your partner are guilty of doing some of those things (it happens; we are all human), and you're unsure how to break those unhealthy habits, Dr. Orbuch suggests some helpful advice.

"Identify the unhealthy conflict styles you are engaging in. This is the first step to change. Next, communicate to your partner that you recognize your wrongdoings and apologize. And make sure to tell them that you are trying to modify or change," she said.

Dr. Orbuch said another way to break these habits is to learn healthy conflict strategies in counseling, self-help books, or relationship workshops. "An [example] of healthy conflict strategy can include you and your partner agreeing to disagree on certain topics that you know can’t get resolved but don’t interfere greatly in your lives. Try to set rules for your disagreements. Cool off before you say too much, but remember to tell the other partner you need a break of 'seconds or minutes,' and you’ll be back to discuss," she suggests.

Dr. Orbuch said finding the right time and situation to deal with hot-button topics is also key. "To avoid stonewalling your partner, control your anger and be sure you resolve the conflict constructively. When you bring up a conflict-riddled topic, be sure you address specific behaviors that annoy you rather than attacking the person or their personality traits," she added.

Lastly, "Make sure you really listen to your partner. Validate and don’t dismiss your partner’s point of view or feelings, and apologize," Dr. Orbuch said.

"Remember that you might not be able to change the triggers that drive the conflict unhealthy responses, but you can manage the reactions to the triggers through meditation, breathing exercises, focusing on a single image," Dr. Orbuch told BuzzFeed.

"If you and your significant other need additional help, couples counseling is a good option when the behavior involves both partners (e.g., how to deal with conflict constructively together and how to resolve your differences). When couples get into a pattern that they can’t break or change themselves and adversely affect the relationship or the other partner, couples counseling is a great strategy/option," she continued.

Do you have experience resolving conflict in a healthy way? If not, what have you learned that you're trying to change? Share all your thoughts with me in the comments below.