Cellphones don’t just harm kids but parents too

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New York City is on the verge of banning cellphones in schools because too many students are addicted to their screens. Several Long Island school districts are suing social-media companies, saying that kids’ phone use is causing record levels of mental illness.

However, the impact of smartphones extends to parents as well: The constant need to be connected to our children could be elevating our own stress levels to new heights.

A study conducted by Harvard in 2022 revealed that 18% of teenagers were dealing with anxiety, a figure that was mirrored by 20% of mothers and 15% of fathers.

Naturally, parents have always had concerns. That's part of the role.

Until the last 15 years, there was no alternative but to figure out how to cope.

Nowadays? Despite the fact that the rate of violent crime has decreased since the 1970s, '80s, and '90s, a time when many of today's parents were growing up, the market for child-tracking devices has exploded, reaching $100 billion, offering parents a sense of security.

Like, seriously? Seeking tranquility? Just get a time machine.

Back in the day, when my mom allowed me to walk to school when I was just a kid — I mean, call the police — she could wait until 3 p.m. to see me again.

No texts. No tracking.

In that manner, she, along with many other parents of her time, came to trust in me, in our neighbors, and even in her own ability to parent. All of these were deemed sufficient to ensure my safety.

Can you picture the bliss of that? Having faith that everything was okay, even though you had no other choice.

The reality trust is a muscle. It needs to be worked out to become strong.

My mom's ability to trust grew daily due to societal expectations, which encouraged social interaction.

Mobile phones stop that growth from happening.

Rather than becoming comfortable with periods of disconnection, smartphones keep us constantly seeking and receiving addictive doses of comfort, throughout the day, that our children are safe. This need for constant connection is what comforts us.

I see this as a stunted growth in our parenting skills.

In "The Anxious Generation," Jonathan Haidt discusses the concept of attachment theory: Children require at least one caregiver who is consistently available.

This caregiver serves as their secure base, enabling them to venture out and explore.

From the moment they start crawling, they move towards the dog, toy, or even the Ming vase, checking back to see if mom is still present: Yes, she is.

When the dog barks, they quickly return. On the safe ground, they feel comforted. Out in the world, they learn and explore again.

Yet, a cellphone means the child is less likely to develop a sense of a secure base, as there's no need for them to truly separate — and neither does the parent.

I read once about a mom who wanted to let her daughter walk alone by the creek, a childhood experience the mother had loved as a girl. So she gave her kid a smartwatch — as if this activity could not be allowed without one.

When the daughter was off on her own, her bike chain came off, and she called her dad, who came to her rescue and repaired it.

To the mother, this proved the wisdom of the technology. But to me, she’d given her daughter the opposite of her childhood experience.

The girl didn’t get a chance to solve her problem. The parents didn’t get a chance to see her succeed on her own.

And without that feedback, parents aren’t getting the information that would allow them to let go a little more.

Another problem: Some mobile devices can let us spy on our kids’ bad behavior.

However, this changes the flawed experience. Previously, children had the chance to make mistakes and face the outcomes on their own. Meanwhile, parents couldn't monitor or worry about every aspect of their children's daily activities.

Without the chance for genuine independence, we're missing out on a crucial part of the attachment process: parents letting go, parents feeling fear, children returning, and then parents letting them go again.

With technology keeping us connected, both generations suffer.

I understand that most parents use the smartphone connection for practical reasons, not to control their children. Most believe it allows their children more independence, not less.

However, once we can observe, support, and comfort our children from a distance, we're no longer compelled to trust them out there. We're deceiving ourselves into believing we have a type of false freedom.

Modern technology eases us from the agony of truly letting go. Yet, the less we need to trust our children, the weaker the trust muscle becomes.

And if you’re wondering why being more in touch with our kids would make us more anxious about them, that’s why: The opposite of trust — the opposite of fiercely believing our kids can handle anything — is anxiety.