Gaslighting: It’s a tactic tale as old as time. And while it’s often associated with romantic ties, gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship , even between a parent and child. There are actually plenty of signs your parent might be gaslighting you, according to psychologists .
In fact, in Disney classics like Cinderella , audiences can witness the subtle yet potent portrayal of that type of gaslighting on screen as Lady Tremaine deliberately twists her step daughter’s reality through deception, breaking promises and manipulating her beliefs about love and family, causing Cinderella to be confused and question her self-worth. Similarly, in Tangled , Mother Gothel undermines Rapunzel’s confidence and distorts her perception of the world to maintain control over her, while also exploiting her emotions to keep her isolated and dependent.
In reality, psychologists Dr. Jaime Zuckerman and Dr. Noëlle Santorelli say children who have a mother or father gaslighting them don’t always realize it, just like in films, because of how subtle it can be. “In most cases, gaslighting by parents begins early on in a person’s life and continues into adulthood until the signs are then noticed and the cycle is able to be broken,” Santorelli explains.
To learn more about gaslighting in this type of dynamic, keep reading. Our experts break down some of the most common ways moms or dads gaslight their kids so you can know what signs to look out for if you think you’re a victim. They also offer examples of how to respond to gaslighting situations and suggest actions that will help you reclaim control of your own narrative and assert your truth. That way, you can begin to shape your own path and get your own happily-ever-after.
Related: 7 Signs You Were Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents, According to a Psychologist
Why Some Parents Gaslight Their Children
According to Zuckerman, there are a variety of reasons why a parent might end up gaslighting his or her children.
“Sometimes parental gaslighting may not necessarily be deliberate in nature, but the psychological impact on the child remains significant,” she says. “However, parents who intentionally gaslight their children do so in an effort to maintain control, to establish dominance, to hold power over the family narrative or do so as an effort to protect their child from emotional pain. Gaslighting from a parent may even escalate as a child grows up and goes to college, gets married or has their children because the parents start to feel a loss of control over them.”
Related: People Who Felt Lonely as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
12 Signs Your Parent Might Be Gaslighting You, According to Psychologists
When it comes to gaslighting, both Dr. Zuckerman and Dr. Santorelli say there are many phrases you can look out for that can help you determine if you’re being gaslit by your mom or dad. Check out some of those below along with responses you can use if you find yourself in a similar circumstance.
Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Gaslighting to Look Out For, According to Psychologists
1. They Minimize Your Feelings
“When a parent tells their child that they are being ‘too sensitive’ and ‘overly dramatic,’ it’s a sign of gaslighting,” says Dr. Zuckerman.
Dr. Santorelli agrees and adds that they don’t consider how their son or daughter is feeling at that moment. “If you express to your mom or dad that something they said hurt you, a parent who is gaslighting you might reply something like, ‘Oh, please. You’re too sensitive. That was a joke.’”
How to Respond: “My feelings are valid, and it hurt me when you said that. I need you to respect how I feel.”
2. They Isolate You From Others
“A form of gaslighting is when your parents try to isolate you from friends or other family members who might support you. This could involve them making negative comments about your friends or them discouraging you from spending time with them,” Dr. Santorelli says.
How to Respond: “It’s important for me to have a support network outside of our family. I value my friends and will continue to spend time with them.”
Related: Psychologists Are Begging Families to Recognize the Most Common Form of Gaslighting—Plus, Here's Exactly How To Respond
3. They Purposely Bring Up a Painful Subject Matter
“If a parent repeatedly brings up a hurtful topic to emotionally manipulate their child, that’s a sign of gaslighting,” Dr. Zuckerman tells Parade .
How to Respond: “I am not willing to speak about this right now.”
4. They Change the Subject
“When confronted for their behavior, a parent who is gaslighting their child will change the subject to avoid responsibility,” Dr. Santorelli says. “An example could be if you try to talk to your mom or dad about how they dismissed your accomplishments earlier and then they switch to discussing your sibling’s achievements instead of telling you why they did that.”
How to Respond: “I want to stay focused on how I felt dismissed. We can talk about my sibling later.”
5. Degrading Their Child
“Another example of a parent gaslighting can be when a mom or dad belittles their son or daughter privately or in public,” Dr. Zuckerman points out.
How to respond: “I will not engage in a conversation with you while you attempt to be hurtful.”
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
6. They Tell Blatant Lies
“If you notice that one of your parents tells you obvious lies, making you question your reality, that’s gaslighting,” Dr. Santorelli states. “An example could be if your mom or dad says they never cashed a check that was mailed to their address in your name.”
How to Respond: “Let’s call the bank together. So they can explain to us what happened here. My account is showing that the check was deposited on XYZ date and was mailed to this address.”
7. They Ignore Their Child’s Feelings About Something
“When a parent tells their child that an emotionally painful event is ‘no big deal,’ that’s gaslighting,” Dr. Zuckerman notes.
How to Respond: “I understand if you feel as though this is not a big deal, however this is a big deal to me.”
8. They Are Accusatory
If your parents accuse you of being forgetful when they frequently forget important things themselves, that is a sign of gaslighting,” Dr. Santorelli tells Parade .
How to Respond: “I find it confusing that you’re saying I’m forgetful when I’ve noticed you often forget things too. Let’s both work on being more mindful.”
Related: People Who Felt Lonely as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
9. They Dispute Their Son or Daughter’s Independent Decisions
“When your parents argue with you about a personal decision you made without parental input, that’s a form of gaslighting,” says Dr. Zuckerman.
How to Respond: “This is my choice and I have my reasons. I do not have to explain my reasoning to you.”
10. They Question Their Child’s Memory
“One more example of gaslighting is if your parents constantly question your memory of events and make you doubt yourself,” Dr. Santorelli clarifies. “For instance, if you recall a family outing vividly, but your parents insist you are mistaken about the details, who was present or even the event happening, they are gaslighting you.”
How to Respond: “If you’re unsure, we can check the family photo album, check with Aunt Susan or agree to disagree.”
Related: 6 Telltale Signs You Experienced Chronic Gaslighting as a Child, According to a Psychotherapist
11. They Enforce Blame
“A parent who is gaslighting their child will try to switch blame onto their son or daughter and refuse to take accountability themself,” Dr. Zuckerman explains.
How to Respond: “I will not take ownership of your actions.”
12. They Deny Certain Events
“If your parents deny something that you clearly remember happening, that’s a sign that they’re gaslighting you,” Dr. Santorelli says. “An example could be if a child remembers their parents promising to attend something like a graduation, or promotion, or special occasion and then they deny that they ever made that commitment.”
Dr. Zuckerman adds that in that situation, a parent might even say something like, "You’re imagining things again."
How to Respond: “That may be your experience; mine is different.”
Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
5 Actions to Take Against Gaslighters
While both experts tell Parade that there is no one way to “stop” a parent from engaging in gaslighting behaviors, there are things you can do to reduce the psychological impact their actions can have.
1. Create Boundaries
“Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable and communicate these boundaries clearly and assertively. Enforce these boundaries consistently,” Dr. Santorelli shares. “If one or both of your parents continue to push your boundaries, you may need to reduce contact with them or end conversations when they cross these lines.”
Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros
2. Don’t Reply Emotionally
“Oftentimes, a gaslighting parent may use a child’s emotional responses as a way to take the focus off of their own harmful behaviors. Because of that, it’s important to not get into a dialogue in which you are defending your feelings to your parents,” Dr. Zuckerman reveals.
“Remember to reply with short, templated responses (or don’t respond at all) and to remove emotional responses from the equation," she continues. "This includes refraining from explaining yourself and using emotional words in your communications with them.”
3. Control the Flow of Communication
“You have the right to limit or control the amount of communication with your parents if you feel that you are being manipulated in your relationship with them," Dr. Santorelli says.
"This might include limiting the amount of phone calls or texts you respond to, leaving a room or the house, putting on headphones, directly stating that you are not prepared to discuss a particular issue in the moment and suggesting a better time to do so, or even staying at a hotel or with friends or other family in the area when you’re visiting your parents,” she explains.
Related: Here's Exactly What To Do When Someone Gaslights You, According to a Psychologist
4. Seek Support
Remember someone who gaslights likes to keep you isolated to maintain the sense of confusion and control. Talking to others can help to provide validation, perspective and advice,” Dr. Santorelli explains.
Dr. Zuckerman notes that it can also be helpful to see an expert for support. “Try therapy, particularly with a therapist who understands the nuances of this type of dynamic,” she says.
5. Know Your Rights in the Relationship
“Just because this person is your parent, it doesn’t mean that you lose or have to compromise your rights," Dr. Santorelli stresses . "Everyone is entitled to certain basic rights in a relationship whether they are the parent or the adult child. For example, you have the right to feel safe, be treated respectfully, be heard, have your privacy and boundaries respected, and feel good about yourself in the relationship—just to name a few!”
Next: It Takes Time and Effort—Here’s How To Rebuild Trust in a Relationship in 8 Steps
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