"Baby," "spoiled," "pampered." If you've been called any of these because of your birth order, we're going to go out on a limb and guess you were the youngest child.
"Youngest children are often stereotyped in specific ways within family dynamics," says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D. , a licensed psychologist. Dr. McGeehan notes that all of the above—and more—are typical and often harmful clichés about youngest children.
Part of the risk in assigning these labels to the youngest child is that they can affect communication during childhood.
"Language is a powerful tool in child development, influencing cognitive growth and social interactions," says Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services .
Affirming language can help a child develop resilience and self-esteem .
"Encouraging phrases can foster a sense of security and belonging, which are fundamental for emotional well-being," Dr. Frank says. On the contrary, negative or dismissive language can lead to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety and hinder a child's ability to form trusting relationships."
In other words, how we talk to children can affect how they view themselves, others and the world as adults. While no caregiver will ever say the right thing 100% of the time, psychologists recommend refraining from saying these 12 phrases to their youngest kids.
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Youngest-Child Stereotypes Psychologists Wish Would Stop Existing
Psychologists share that part of the issue with what we say to a youngest child has to do with preconceived notions of who they "should be"—which must be why they're acting a certain way. Dr. McGeehan says that common youngest-children clichés include:
- The baby of the family
- Spoiled or pampered
- Irresponsible or less competent
- Attention-seeking
- More social and outgoing
- Rebellious or free-spirited
- Manipulative to get what they want
Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
12 Phrases To Avoid Saying to a Youngest Child, According to Psychologists
1. "You're the baby of the family."
This one rolls off the tongue, and Dr. Frank doesn't bring it up to shame caregivers.
"This phrase is often used affectionately to highlight the youngest child's position in the family hierarchy," he says.
The issue? "It can undermine their sense of maturity and independence, making them feel perpetually infantilized," Dr. Frank explains.
Instead, he recommends using more phrases that highlight and encourage development, such as: "You're growing up so fast and becoming more independent every day."
2. "Stop crying. You're acting like a baby."
One moment, they're being called a baby in an endearing way. The next? Youngest kids get told not to use a primal form of communication (crying). Talk about whiplash.
"Statements like this, or even more subtle expressions of the idea that children should not express their feelings outwardly, can have lasting negative effects on the comfort children have with communicating their feelings," explains Dr. Nicholas Forlenza, Ph.D . , a licensed psychologist. "We do not want to encourage our children to suppress or hide their emotions, especially in the context of the family environment where children should feel their most safe and secure."
Dr. Frank also says this phrase is harmful and suggests opting for: "I see you're upset. Let's talk about what's bothering you."
Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotional Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist
3. "You need to do what your brother/sister tells you."
Wait, but what if the older child is babysitting? This one requires some nuance.
"There will be times when we ask that younger siblings follow the example of their older siblings or other times when we ask that older siblings assist with caring for their younger siblings and with limits and boundaries," says Dr. Brett Biller, Psy.D ., the director of the Mental Health Youth Program at the Audrey Hepburn Children's House at Hackensack University Medical Center.
Boundaries are key. Dr. Biller explains it's important for everyone to be on the same page: The caregiver holds the caregiving responsibilities, and sometimes older siblings might assist.
"A more productive version of the above instruction may sound more like, 'Your brother/sister will be helping you get your backpack ready for school, and I am looking forward to you telling me how well you worked together,'" he shares.
4. "I never had to do this for your brother or sister. You should be able to do it."
Every child is different.
"This statement does not empower children," Dr. Biller says. "It typically invalidates efforts that were made that were not as successful as they hoped. Additionally, it is helpful to avoid statements that are going to enhance sibling rivalries."
Dr. Biller recommends a rephrase like: "We all have different strengths and abilities. How can I help you complete this task?"
Related: The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids, According to Psychologists
5. "You should be more like your older siblings."
This one is a variation of No. 4 and can fan the flames of sibling rivalries.
"This kind of comparison between children, often referencing behavior or achievements, can create a sense of shame and resentment between siblings." Dr. Forlenza explains. "This kind of statement also plants the seed for deeply held feelings of inadequacy."
Dr. McGeehan agrees and suggests saying: “I love seeing the unique person you are becoming.”
"Following this, getting curious about their unique attributes, personality traits and skills is the best way to avoid long-term sibling jealousy," she shares.
6. "You’re so spoiled."
Dr. McGeehan says parents and grandparents may say this phrase to a youngest child to explain why the kiddo is getting more attention or leniency. Ultimately, the adults should take accountability for decisions about attention and who gets a break.
"Labeling a child as 'spoiled' can create feelings of guilt, resentment and a belief that they don’t deserve what they receive," Dr. McGeehan says. "It can also create confusion about how to interact with their siblings and potentially contribute to sibling estrangement in the future."
Instead, she suggests turning to a sibling who may be jealous of the (not) spoiled youngest child and saying, “We all get special treatment sometimes, and it’s important to appreciate what we have.”
Then, consider spending one-on-one time with that child, like taking Big Sis to get a manicure or catch a minor league baseball game.
Related: People Who Were 'Spoiled' as Children Usually Develop These 16 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
7. "You'll understand when you're older."
Children can be inquisitive, and parents may lean on this phrase if a child is asking something complex, such as about a conversation they overheard you having with an older child about current events.
"This can be harmful as it dismisses the child's ability to understand and undermines their curiosity," Dr. Frank explains. "Instead, try saying, 'Let's talk about it; I'll explain in a way that makes sense for you.'"
8. "You always get away with everything."
Similar to telling the youngest child they're "so spoiled," Dr. Frank says that adults might use this phrase to justify times when "the youngest receives special treatment to highlight perceived leniency."
However, like labeling a child as spoiled, this phrase is harmful, including for long-term sibling relationships.
"This belief fosters feelings of injustice and division among siblings, potentially leading the youngest to feel unfairly treated," Dr. Frank says. "It's better to acknowledge that each situation is different and that everyone is treated fairly based on their individual needs."
9. "You better study so you can go to college like your siblings."
While it's great that older siblings are doing well academically, this phrase can harm a youngest child and is unlikely to get them to do their homework.
"We have to remember that every child—their abilities, their interests, their desires and their goals—differs," Dr. Biller explains. "While we certainly want the best for each of our children, it is important that we view each child independently."
In fact, the youngest child may not even want to attend college (or look up to older siblings). If they do, Dr. Biller suggests trying, "If you want to go to college like your older siblings, we need to identify ways to be successful in achieving your goal."
"In the rephrase, we ensure that we are focusing on the goals of the child with whom we are speaking," he says.
Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
10. “Stop being jealous of your siblings."
Sibling rivalry and jealousy are developmentally normal in sibling relationships.
"Immediately instructing a child to discontinue a feeling that is valid to them is not modeling how we would hope that our children respond to any of their emotions," Dr. Biller says. "A child must be permitted to have a place for their emotions, and we must assist them in processing their emotions to reflect the foundation of the feelings."
Try getting curious about your child's feelings by asking a question rather than stating a command. Dr. Biller recommends something like: "What do you feel is unfair about your sister being able to stay up later than you?"
11. "You're always so dramatic."
Sometimes, a child's emotional reaction to something can make the adults in the room uncomfortable. Enter this phrase, downplaying the child's emotions and whatever triggered them.
"It can invalidate the child’s feelings and discourage them from expressing them, leading to suppressed feelings and emotional difficulties," Dr. McGeehan explains. In worst-case scenarios, it can lead a child to completely disconnect from their emotions, leading to tremendous difficulties in relationships later in life."
Dr. McGeehan says a more constructive way to go about big feelings is: “I see that you’re really feeling strong emotions. Let’s talk about it.”
12. "You’re always going to be our little baby."
Again, phrases like this one are often said lovingly. Yet?
"This one makes me cringe a little," Dr. McGeehan admits. "I totally get where it’s coming from. A parent is trying to communicate here that they will always love and cherish their child."
However, it's not really true.
"The reality is that that child will not always be a baby," she says. "Babies are burped, held, fed a bottle and swaddled. None of these things are done with adults because adults are not dependent on others to live."
While watching a child grow can be a bittersweet experience, Dr. McGeehan suggests leaning into phrases that embrace it, such as: "I love seeing how much you’re growing and changing.”
"This encourages the child to grow up and need their parents differently, which is developmentally appropriate," she shares.
Up Next: 22 Surprising Phrases That Make You 'Instantly Unlikable,' Psychologists Warn
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