"I see you." "That's valid." These words are more common these days. You may hear them and feel happy for the current generation—and sad for your inner child who never heard them. You may have felt downright overlooked and even invisible as a child. These feelings may be highly visible to others (and you) now. Not to be glib, but that's valid.
"Often, how you feel as a child is part of who you become as an adult," says Reena B. Patel, LEP, BCBA , a positive psychologist. "Feeling seen, special, valued, encouraged and part of something is a huge part of finding your identity and self-love. If you are experiencing feelings of being overlooked as a child, this can greatly impact your self-confidence and viewpoint of self-worth as you get older."
As a result, you may display specific characteristics. Psychologists share 12 common traits of people who felt constantly overlooked as children and how to heal.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
What Being Overlooked in Childhood Feels Like
TL;DR: Not great.
Dr. Hannah Yang, Psy.D. , a psychologist and the visionary of Balanced Awakening , says common flags you were overlooked as a child include:
- Spending tons of time alone and finding ways to entertain yourself that don’t necessarily involve people
- Being called “weird” or otherwise being misunderstood
- Not being chosen for the gifted program/having intellectual gifts outside of the norm that goes unappreciated
- Having parents or caregivers who were under-resourced and often stressed
- Having a lot of siblings so that parents' time was stretched
- Not being celebrated for being them, whatever that might look like
- Being chosen for things last
- Not having their creativity fostered or valued or even being teased for thinking differently or doing things differently from others
You may shame yourself for being upset that you were overlooked as a child. However, Dr. Yang says it's important not to overlook your feelings as an adult. It's an important step to healing.
"Everything that we go through and experience as a child has an impact on who we develop into as an adult," she explains. "We can consciously move beyond how our childhood experiences shape us when with awareness and intention."
Related: People Who Felt Lonely as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
13 Traits of People Who Were Constantly Overlooked as Children, According to Psychologists
1. Shyness
Dr. Yang says it's common for people who were overlooked in childhood to have some fear of putting themselves out there.
"They don’t have much practice speaking up and being seen in a positive way, or perhaps the attention they did get was unpleasant," she explains. "Their default is to be quiet, hang back and protect themself from rejection from others."
Next: People Who Were Introverted as Children Usually Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Hypersensitivity
Hypersensitive people can have greater emotional responses and an acute awareness of their surroundings.
"Sensitive people often notice other’s feelings but neglect their own," says Dr. Jennifer Dragonette, Psy.D., a clinical services instructor at Newport Healthcare . "They might take criticism personally, get easily overwhelmed by sensory inputs or feel emotions very intensely compared to others."
Related: 17 Phrases To Respond to Constructive Criticism, According to Psychologists
3. Attention-seeking
Spending key developmental stages feeling unseen may leave you trying to make up for lost time at all costs.
"Attention-seeking behaviors can also be negative when drawing attention," Patel says. "For example, a child who doesn't naturally get attention from parents may use negative or defiant behavior so a parent draws attention towards them."
Patel explains that this behavior can continue into adulthood.
4. Needing to have the first and last word
According to Dr. Yang, people with this trait often try to protect themselves from being overlooked in adulthood.
"Overlooked kids can become adults who carry a fear of being overlooked," she says. "To counteract that fear, they may appear to speak impulsively just to make sure they get their voice out. They may want to be the first to speak or perhaps they may want to be sure that they have the last word."
This one likely doesn't come as a surprise.
"Children who are overlooked...internalize feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness from when they were younger," Dr. Dragonette explains. "This often occurs because it feels emotionally safer for young children to blame themselves for any dysfunction or disruption in the family system, rather than more accurately recognizing that their parent may not have the capacity to give them the care and attention they need."
6. Perfectionism
Dr. Dragonette says adults who felt overlooked when they were younger may try to get an A+++ on every assignment, large or small.
"This stems from a deep-rooted desire for approval and belonging and to be noticed," she shares.
7. Trouble with self-advocacy
Ideally, you are your greatest advocate as a healthy adult. However, people who were overlooked in childhood may not fit this bill. It's understandable but worth exploring to protect your mental and emotional health.
"When children have others speaking on their behalf, it creates a situation where they do not have their own voice," Patel says. "Or, someone may feel like they need others to help them communicate their needs or wants. They are more likely to have others bully and manipulate them into adulthood."
Related: 9 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Saying Yes, According to Psychologists
8. Difficulty making decisions
Every choice can feel make or break, something Patel says is a product of the anxiety people felt when overlooked as children.
"This creates anxious kids and anxious adults, and these people may experience anxiety and depression," she explains.
9. Niche or 'alternative' lifestyles, friend groups or hobbies
Dr. Yang admits this one is broad. However, she says it generally stems from the fact that overlooked children often don't get to explore and have diverse experiences.
"Sometimes, that leads to adults who are motivated to be more experimental with their lives and try out different things that aren’t as mainstream in society—sort of like rebelling against their childhood," she explains. "They may gravitate toward others who also didn’t feel noticed as kids and are exploring where they fit or belong as adults."
10. Non-confrontational
People who were overlooked as children don't agree to disagree—they often agree in an attempt to keep the peace, Dr. Yang explains.
"Overlooked kids often don’t have the opportunity to speak up, especially in opposition to another, and have it well received," she says. "If someone hasn’t had the opportunity to practice using their voice and have that be nourished, it’s often safer to not speak up or to simply agree with others."
Related: 10 Phrases To Replace Saying 'Sorry' as a Reflex, According to a Therapist
11. Fear of abandonment
Overlooked children can often feel neglected or that their caregivers are emotionally unavailable.
"This causes them to worry that people will leave them or not be available when needed," Dr. Dragonette says. "This fear of abandonment and distrust of others can lead to avoidance of relationships altogether."
Approval may have been hard to come by as a child, causing a person to overcompensate as an adult and lose their sense of self along the way.
"[People-pleasing] often gets in the way of their own feelings and needs," Dr. Dragonette says. "People-pleasing can also be dangerous when it comes to peer pressure and wanting to be accepted by others, especially if it leads to dangerous or destructive behaviors like drug and alcohol use or willingness to remain in abusive relationships."
13. Emotional suppression
Dr. Dragonette says it's common for people who were overlooked in childhood to bury emotions as adults.
"They do this because they believe that expressing their feelings will not result in the support or attention they need," she explains. "This can lead to difficulty in managing emotions as adults."
Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotional Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist
Tips for Healing After Being Overlooked as a Child
People who were overlooked in childhood can be "shy" adults or display more attention-seeking behaviors to avoid being passed over in adulthood. Healing will look a bit different for both.
If you've erred on safety and shyness, Dr. Yang suggests starting by journaling about what you like or don't like. For instance, you might choose a topic such as: "What do I like and not like about the neighborhood where I currently live?"
"Sometimes it’s easier to identify what we don’t like, but that’s OK," Dr. Yang explains. "That just gives us information that our preference is the opposite. This works because it helps you connect with your preferences so you have a leg up on communicating them around others."
Then, start practicing expressing your thoughts and preferences with a person in your life who has shown they care about you and welcome your thoughts, opinions and emotions.
"When they ask you where you’d like to go for dinner, think about it and be honest," Dr. Yang suggests. "This works because you can learn through experience that now, as an adult, things are different, and people are there to notice you."
Related: If You Use These 8 Unexpected Phrases, You Have Higher Self-Confidence Than Most, Psychologists Say
People who were overlooked as children who might "overdo it" as adults can benefit from pausing and breathing.
"Connect to that inner part of yourself that remembers being overlooked," Dr. Yang recommends. "Tell them you see them now and are here to listen."
Now, talk to the child who was overlooked.
"You can ask them what they have to say and respond to them in a reassuring way," Dr. Yang explains. "This helps to remind you that you’re in a different place in life now, and also that inner child part of you feels acknowledged and soothed."
Next, list the ways you are currently seen and heard.
"List people and situations in which you’ve been able to express yourself and have been noticed and acknowledged," she continues. "This is similar to doing a gratitude list, as it will retrain your brain to focus on how, in your present life, you are seen and heard. This will be reassuring to the overlooked child of your past."
In either case, Dr. Dragonette says therapy can be healing.
"Professional therapy can help individuals understand and address the root causes of their issues," Dr. Dragonette says. "This is important to help overcome what they are struggling with in their lives and stop the cycle in their own parenting."
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