Praising a child often comes from a well-meaning place, and psychologists agree that acknowledging a job well done is important to raising a healthy child. However, like steak, it's possible for well done to become overdone.
"Children who receive too much praise can develop negative characteristics as adults," cautions Dr. Danielle Roeske, Psy.D., MS , the vice president of residential services for Newport Healthcare .
It's possible to heal from being overly praised as a child and curb certain behaviors. Psychologists share 13 common traits of people who were overly praised as children and tips for overcoming certain issues in adulthood that may have been influenced by this experience from your youth.
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What Does Being 'Overly Praised' Even Mean?
Put simply, "'Overly praised' often refers to an individual receiving excessive, frequent or indiscriminate commendation, frequently without a clear basis for the accolades," says Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D. , a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services .
Dr. Roeske says too much praise can involve commenting on aspects of a child's self rather than successful actions.
"For example, telling them they look good, instead of saying they styled their hair nicely," Dr. Roeske explains.
It can also be praise delivered with blinders.
"It denies parts of the child that do not warrant praise or can be thought of as average or in need of improvement," Dr. Roeske says.
In a plot twist, this kind of praise implies there's something shameful or unlovable about imperfections or being "good enough."
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13 Common Traits of People Who Were 'Overly Praised' as Children, According to Psychologists
1. Dependence on external validation
This one is arguably the most significant, and many of the below traits stem from the need for constant validation from others.
"Overly praised individuals may continuously seek approval and recognition from others, as they have been conditioned to rely on external affirmation for their self-worth," Dr. Frank says.
2. Workaholism
Driftwood Recovery's director of psychology, Dr. Vanessa S. Kennedy, Ph.D. , says adults who racked up gold stars as kids live life thinking, "What am I without external validation?"
"Some overly praised individuals experience praise only when they achieve, as opposed to receiving praise for various behaviors, such as hard work, patience and thoughtfulness," Dr. Kennedy says. "They receive the message that only external rewards or validation are what counts to be valuable."
In adulthood, they may struggle to achieve any semblance of work-life harmony .
"As adults, accolades, accomplishments and financial benchmarks may be their primary motivation, at the expense of other important facets of their life, such as developing other interests outside of work achievements and showing up as a reliable parent or partner," Dr. Kennedy explains.
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3. Little intrinsic motivation
An overabundance of external validation can make looking inward seem pointless, making self-motivation a challenge.
"If all behavior is applauded, it makes little difference whether they work hard or not," says Dr. Connally Barry , Psy.D. , a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks . "They can lose their perception of autonomy, as they are considered to be ‘doing well,’ regardless of how they perform, which allows them to be mediocre."
Dr. Barry says this trait is super-common in people whose intelligence was excessively praised during their youth.
4. Perfectionism
Praise can translate into pressure—externally and, as a result, internally.
"Overly praised children may develop perfectionistic traits in adult life because they associate praise with a perfect performance, leading to a fear of failure," Dr. Roeske shares.
5. Entitlement
This one likely doesn't surprise you, but it's important to raise.
"Excessive praise can foster a sense of entitlement, where individuals expect constant recognition and rewards regardless of their actual performance or effort," Dr. Frank says.
Think desiring a pat on the back after turning in a typo-littered work report an hour late after cutting out early for happy hour the night before.
6. Difficulties with criticism
People who were praised too much may have perfectionist tendencies. They also might think they are perfect and too good for constructive feedback, which can be valuable for improving relationships and performance.
"Overly praised children may respond negatively towards constructive feedback once they are adults because they haven’t developed resilience to receiving anything negative," Dr. Roeske says.
Related: 17 Phrases To Respond to Constructive Criticism, According to Psychologists
7. Low self-esteem
The irony, right?
"Children either meet the expectations set by their parents’ praise or they simply don’t," Dr. Barry says. "Having high ideals for a child is one thing, but placing them on a high pedestal could set them up for a deep sense of inadequacy if they do not feel they could ever meet these expectations."
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8. Lower chance of depression
Consider this one a rare silver lining, but nuance is important. What the praise is for matters.
"If we are overly praised for prosocial behaviors specifically, we continue helping others well into adulthood," Dr. Barry says. "This can lead to enhanced relationships and greater attention to the wants and needs of others."
Dr. Barry says these are associated with lower depression risks.
An example of prosocial behavior is a parent who regularly compliments someone for sharing with a sibling. This person might be confident in their ability to problem-solve and work on a team as an adult.
9. Narcissism
This one can harm not only the adult who received far too much praise but also others.
"When children are consistently told they are special and important without commensurate effort or empathic qualities toward others, they may be prone to overlook parts of themselves that need growth," Dr Kennedy explains.
For instance, some people may have been celebrated for being intelligent and charismatic. On the surface, this seems great. However, it's not if the family "neglects to discipline a child for acting out or hurtful behavior toward others," Dr. Kennedy continues. "This can lead to an imbalance in the child’s sense of self, where they experience a sense of immunity or invincibility to limits or rules. This can foster entitlement and lack of empathy in the narcissistic adult."
In hindsight, parents and siblings of adults with narcissism might say, "This person could do no wrong as a child, and now, here we are."
10. Poor self-awareness
The question about your "greatest weakness" in job interviews may be a...weak spot for many who received too much praise in childhood.
"Over-praised individuals may have an inflated sense of their abilities, making it difficult for them to assess their strengths and weaknesses accurately," Dr. Frank says.
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11. Unrealistic expectations
Over-praising a child can set them up for a significant letdown in adulthood.
"Adults who were overly praised as children may be in for a rude awakening when they expect praise or compensation for work that may not be up to standard," Dr. Kennedy says. "They may walk into situations such as asking for a raise or time off early on in a new job when they have not yet earned it or think their ideas will be automatically well-received when they are still inexperienced."
12. Low tolerance
No, not for cocktails at the aforementioned happy hour that the overly-praised person did instead of a work report.
"Overly praised children may have less patience for difficulties in achieving goals as adults because they are used to quick rewards," Dr. Roeske says.
13. Imposter syndrome
Imposter syndrome has many causes, but one of them is too many proverbial pats on the back in childhood.
"Overly praised children may doubt their abilities when faced with challenges or high expectations as adults because they aren’t used to feeling unworthy of praise or success," Dr. Roeske says.
Related: 35 Useful Phrases to Combat Imposter Syndrome as Soon as It Strikes, According to a Psychoanalyst
How To Work on Yourself if You Were Praised Too Often in Childhood
1. Balance your view of self
Dr. Kennedy recommends taking an honest look at your achievements and actions. She suggests asking yourself: Are there areas where you can improve? Areas where you can grow? Areas where you don’t feel fulfilled?"
"You may wish to do this with a therapist or other objective person who can help you reflect in a vulnerable, non-judgmental way," Dr. Kennedy says.
Related: 105 Quotes About Self-Care, Because Being Good to Yourself Has Never Been More Important
2. Embrace constructive feedback
Learning to love—and seek out—constructive feedback is a challenge worth undertaking.
"Actively seeking out and valuing constructive criticism helps build resilience and fosters continuous improvement," Dr. Frank says. "Learning to see feedback as a tool for development rather than a personal attack can be transformative."
3. Learn to celebrate your successes
By celebrating yourself, you build the ability to nix the chronic need for external validation.
"At the end of the day, no one can be more excited for you than you," Dr. Barry says. "Learning to seek inner self-acceptance and to meet your own personal goals outside of the opinions of others can help recapture that intrinsic motivation that may have been lost, which can only lead to increased passion and success in a chosen field."
4. Engage in new challenges
Sure, you may fail—that's a good thing.
"Taking on new, challenging tasks outside one's comfort zone can build confidence and resilience," Dr. Frank says. "It encourages risk-taking and learning from failures, which are crucial for overcoming the fear of making mistakes."
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