There are times when control is a good thing: when you’re starting a new habit and exercising self-control or controlling your finances by setting a budget for yourself. But then there are those instances when control is entirely negative—namely, when a romantic partner , family member, boss or friend attempts to hold power over you. Control is never a good thing for a relationship, but there are some ways to catch certain phrases that indicate this kind of harmful manipulation —so you can stop it in its tracks.
Related: 13 Red Flags of Gaslighting at Work and How to Respond, According to Psychologists
Why Control Is Detrimental to a Relationship
Psychologist Dr. Daria Chase, Ph.D. says that control in any relationship can create a negative dynamic.
“It often leads to a power imbalance where one person's needs, desires and opinions overshadow the other's needs,” she says. “Control undermines trust and diminishes individuality. It can make you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells, or worse, that your opinions and desires don't matter. The imbalance can also impact self-esteem , contribute to stress and anxiety and erode the mutual respect that is foundational to any healthy relationship.”
Dr. Karyne E. Messina , a psychologist and the author of It’s Not Me, It’s You!: How Narcissists Get What They Want and How to Stop Them , says that an intense need to exert control “can be its own form of vulnerability,” adding that feelings of superiority are often associated with an intense need to control others.
“However, these controlling impulses are often defense mechanisms against deep-seated insecurity and fear,” she says. “These fears could stem from early childhood trauma , low self-esteem , general anxiety , cultural or social influences, and even serve as a coping mechanism for feelings of powerlessness."
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
If Someone Uses These 7 Phrases, They May Be Trying to Control You, According to Psychologists
1. “You’re overreacting—it’s not a big deal.”
Dr. Chase says that this phrase minimizes your feelings and experiences, suggesting that your reaction is wrong, “and thus undermining your self-trust.”
2. “I would never say anything like that. That’s something you say all the time.”
This controlling phrase falls under the category of gaslighting , according to Dr. Messina, which is when someone tries to make victims doubt their own memory and understanding.
3. “I’m just trying to help you.”
This phrase is a tricky one to catch because it sounds nice and supportive, right? But as Dr. Chase says, if this phrase is used to justify unsolicited advice or actions that affect your autonomy, it can be a form of control.
4. “You don’t need anyone else but me.”
“This phrase isolates you from other supportive relationships , making you more dependent on the person who is controlling,” Dr. Chase points out.
5. “Your friends don’t care about you. I’m the only one who loves you.”
As a variation of the aforementioned phrase, Dr. Messina says that this is another example of a phrase that attempts to isolate you. “The statement can cause the recipient to feel insecure, isolated and eventually, dependent on the other person,” she adds.
6. “If you loved me, you would…”
“This is a classic manipulation tactic that uses your feelings as leverage to make you comply with their desires,” Dr. Chase says.
7. “Everyone else thinks you’re wrong.”
Dr. Chase says that this is another isolating phrase, keeping you apart from others and making you doubt your own judgment.
Related: If Something Feels a Little Off, Make Sure You're Watching Out for These 40 Relationship Red Flags
What You Should Do if Someone Is Trying To Control You
1. Set boundaries.
As Dr. Chase says, at first, try to talk calmly and assertively about this behavior and how it makes you feel. This is when you set boundaries , decide what you will and won’t tolerate and stick to it.
2. Seek outside perspectives.
To get an outside view of this potentially controlling relationship, Dr. Messina recommends confiding in trusted friends or family members to get objective viewpoints.
3. Consider the relationship.
“Evaluate whether the relationship is healthy or if the controlling behavior is a sign that it might be time to reconsider its value in your life,” Dr. Chase advises.
4. Document any incidents.
Dr. Messina says, “A running record will help you recognize patterns and validate your experiences.”
Related: 10 Classic Mind Games Narcissists Play in a Relationship, According to Psychologists
5. Seek support.
Talk to trusted friends, family or find a support group , who Dr. Chase says, “can be a source of strength and guidance,” and also consider professional help. “If the behavior is severe or you're struggling to cope, a therapist can equip you with healthy coping mechanisms,” she says.
6. Take it seriously.
There are some controlling relationships that might be salvageable, and others that it’s best to get out of for your personal safety. In this case, Dr. Messina recommends creating a “safety plan” in which you familiarize yourself with emergency resources if you feel your life is in any danger. “If you are in an emergency, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233,” she says. “You can also text ‘START’ to 88788.”
On a final note, Dr. Chase says that everyone deserves to be in relationships where they feel safe, respected and valued.
“Being aware of controlling dynamics is the first step toward fostering healthier interactions,” she explains.
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Sources
- Dr. Daria Chase, Ph.D., psychologist .
- Dr. Karyne E. Messina, a psychologist and the author of It’s Not Me, It’s You!: How Narcissists Get What They Want and How to Stop Them .
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