The middle child gets quite the rep. Children who aren't the first or last born in their families are often pegged as attention-seeking, overlooked and jealous. Other times, they're considered "diplomats," which sounds like a compliment but can put pressure on a child to problem-solve with siblings before they are ready. Often, that pressure comes in the form of words based on these stereotypes. While birth order can be fun to think about, psychologists stress words are more important in shaping a child.
"Our childhood is the foundation for how we experience the world our entire life," says Dr. Hannah Yang, Psy.D ., the visionary of Balanced Awakening. "Phrases that adults in our lives...say during our childhood are some of the most important pieces of information that inform how we view ourselves and the world."
Middle children don't ask for their birth order, but they deserve to develop a positive view of themselves and the world. Psychologists share phrases to avoid using on middle children—plus what to say instead.
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Middle-Child Stereotypes Psychologists Wish Would Stop Existing
Often, adults use specific phrases on middle children because they're boxing them into what they think they "should" be based on their birth order. However, these generalizations can be harmful.
Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D ., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services , says middle-child stereotypes include:
Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
13 Phrases To Stop Saying to a Middle Child, According to Psychologists
1. "You're just stuck in the middle."
The youngest children are told they're the baby of the family, and the oldest children are called mini-parents. Middle children are—predictably—more likely to be told they're "stuck in the middle."
"This phrase, often used to highlight the middle child's position in the birth order, can inadvertently make them feel overlooked and unimportant," Dr. Frank says. "Such sentiments can negatively impact their self-esteem ."
Dr. Frank suggests using phrases that emphasize their unique, irreplaceable place in a family that leaves birth order out of it.
2. "You're such a middle child."
It's best to leave birth order out of reasons for specific feelings or behaviors.
"With any of our children, we want to aim not to reinforce stereotypes assigned to birth order," says Dr. Brett Biller, Psy.D ., the director of the Mental Health Youth Program at the Audrey Hepburn Children's House at Hackensack University Medical Center. "Speaking to the individual child and the characteristic we observe is more helpful than automatically attributing an observed characteristic to a perceived category."
For instance, Dr. Biller recommends getting curious with a child who seems jealous and competitive when a sibling receives praise by saying, "I noticed you get a bit more competitive when your siblings receive compliments. What is it like to hear them receive compliments?"
3. "Why can’t you act like your older sibling?”
Sometimes, parents see their first child as a blueprint—to the detriment of any child who follows.
"Sometimes, parents will overapply what worked for the oldest child with the middle child instead of viewing the middle child as their own unique person who may have different needs at this age or stage," Dr. Yang says.
Dr. Yang recommends rephrasing this one to help a child feel accepted as they are, such as, “I knew what to do when your older sibling was this age, but I’m not sure what you might need. I want to learn about you and who you are."
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
4. "You should know better than your younger sibling."
Middle children can be told they are supposed to act like their older siblings yet not given the same leeway to make mistakes as younger children in the home. Talk about whiplash.
"Some may expect the middle child to be a role model for their younger siblings," Dr. Frank says. "This can lead to unnecessary pressure and feelings of failure if those expectations aren't met. Instead, it's better to say, 'I trust you to make good decisions based on your experiences.'"
5. "I don’t have time to do that for you.”
Parents are busy, but this phrase is better left unsaid. Dr. Yang says it can come off as a flat-out rejection.
Instead, you could say, 'I don’t have time for that right now, but I can make time later,'" Dr. Yang says.
Essentially, you're offering special time to the child. The key? Make good on your promise.
"The child will likely be looking forward to their specially arranged time with you," Dr. Yang stresses.
6. "You're just as important as your siblings."
The one sounds good in theory but is iffy in practice.
"This may be said in order to reassure a child, but it just serves as a reminder that they are constantly being compared to or in competition with their siblings," says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry .
A subtle rephrase can make a significant difference. Dr. Schiff recommends phrases like, "You are important to me."
"This affirms that they are valued equally within the family," she explains.
Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Stop Saying to a Youngest Child
7. "Why do you keep doing that?"
Dr. Yang says caregivers are prone to saying this to a middle child who constantly does something specific to get attention. The person probably got flustered—and it's understandable—but it's best to avoid blurting this out moving forward.
"Instead, a parent could say, 'I see you. Can I help you with something?'" Dr. Yang suggests. "Doing so would acknowledge the child’s presence as well as the fact that they are trying to get the parent's attention for a reason. It also gives the child a chance to express their unique need."
8. "Show your little sibling how it’s done."
Dr. Yang says this one depends on the context.
"Sometimes, middle children take on too much responsibility for the younger sibling," Dr. Yang explains. "If this phrase is overused and is to take the place of the parents or caregiver role, it can make the middle child feel burdened by responsibility for the younger sibling."
It may also give them the impression that their younger sibling's needs are more important. Dr. Yang suggests phrasing this one as a question so it feels more like an option and following it by showing a middle child that you know they have needs too. You might say, “Can you help your little sibling first, and then I will help you?”
9. "Not everything is a competition."
While the attention-seeking stereotype is a generalization, Dr. Biller says some middle children may display it. It can foster negative feelings, but he emphasizes that it is important to guide everyone through them.
"Caregivers must allow a place for the enhanced competitive nature of the middle child while simultaneously calibrating the level of competitiveness," he says. "Ultimately, the competitive nature is most helpful when we are able to assist our children in being competitive with themselves at an appropriate level."
Dr. Biller suggests, "Wow! You are really working hard to improve your guitar skills. How do you feel about your progress?"
10. "Just go along with what your siblings want."
Sibling fights can be rough on parents, but this phrase has pitfalls.
"This phrase is often used to avoid conflicts and maintain peace within the family, but it can make the middle child feel that their preferences and opinions are less important," Dr. Frank says. As a result, this may lead to feelings of invisibility and resentment."
According to Dr. Frank, it's crucial to affirm that the middle child's views and decisions matter as much as everyone else's. Whenever possible, try to work together to find a compromise that works for everyone.
11. "Stop being so jealous of your siblings."
This one is so invalidating.
"It is not modeling how we would hope that our children respond to any of their emotions," Dr. Biller says. "A child must be permitted to have a place for their emotions, and we must assist them in processing their emotions to reflect the foundation of the feelings."
Instead, Dr. Biller suggests asking open-ended questions to create room for discussion.
"For example, a caregiver may ask, 'What do you feel is unfair about your sister being able to stay up later than you?'" Dr. Biller says. "We may also simply reflect back the 'jealous' child's feelings by stating, 'I hear that you are mad that you are not able to stay up as late as your sister. Managing those feelings may be tough, but I'm here to help.'"
12. "You’re so easy compared to your siblings. We don’t have to worry about you."
Dr. Yang says this one is well-meaning and rolls right off the tongue.
"However, it sends the message to the middle child that they need less attention or are even perhaps less worthy of attention," Dr. Yang says. "It also instills value in being easy, which could lead to an adult who is afraid to speak up or assert themselves in a healthy manner."
Dr. Yang recommends phrases like, "You’re so good at going with the flow, I sometimes forget to consider your opinion.”
"This statement would be part compliment, part acknowledgment that the child may have a different preference and an invitation to express a different preference," Dr. Yang explains. "It’s also a way for the parent to show some vulnerability and openness."
Related: The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids, According to Psychologists
13. "Your siblings never give me trouble like you do."
The other side of No. 12 is equally precarious.
"This sentence reflects another example of comparing actions between siblings rather than addressing the specific action of the child with whom we are speaking," Dr. Biller says.
Instead of comparing—and igniting sibling rivalries—Dr. Biller says it's best to address concerns directly and leave other kids out of it. Try, "What prevents you from completing your homework on time?"
Up Next:
Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
Expert Sources
Most Popular
Comments / 0