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8 Signs You Have Toxic In-Laws and How To Respond, According to Psychologists
By Beth Ann Mayer,
1 day ago
If you've spent enough time—about an hour—in a private wedding or parenting Facebook group, you know all about toxic in-laws. They come over unannounced. They have many opinions on modern-day parenting, and they always know best. Sometimes, in-laws spark marital problems, according to anonymous posters in these groups.
Are toxic in-laws a widespread epidemic, or just a product of social media speak (the same "speak" that's spawned the misuse of the word " narcissist " and "gaslighting")? The answer is unclear, but in-law relationships can be fraught—and toxic—for many reasons whether or not a couple has a child.
"There are no clear rules or a rulebook on how these relationships are supposed to look," says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D . , a licensed clinical psychologist . "In-laws may also have unreasonable expectations that cannot always be met. The joining of two families can be problematic because they may have different backgrounds, expectations, values and ways of doing things...boundaries and space also tend to be a problem."
Sometimes, these issues lead to toxic relationships. And, sometimes, the in-laws are toxic themselves. How can you tell, and what should you do? Psychologists share signs you have toxic in-laws and ways to cope beyond (valid) venting.
8 Signs of Toxic In-Laws, According to Psychologists
1. They've never met a boundary they weren't willing to overstep.
Boundaries are hard for toxic in-laws.
"They may show up at your home unannounced any time of day or walk into your home or your bedroom without knocking and waiting to be let in, overstay their welcome or make inappropriate comments about how you structure your home," says Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, and LPC-Supervisor , a psychologist with Thriveworks .
We'll dig more into the "inappropriate comments" about the home structure piece. For now, habitually—perhaps gleefully—overstepping boundaries is more than an inconvenience.
"The couple or family might have plans that don’t include the in-laws, may not feel in control of their own home and feel like they have no privacy," Dr. Vaughan says. "[It] may affect self-esteem ."
2. They show blatant disrespect for your role.
This one often arises when a new baby is involved, and the in-laws attempt to take on the role of parent rather than grandparent, explains Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
"Toxic in-laws will insert themselves into parenting decisions or even parent the child differently than you are parenting them," Dr. Goldman says.
A common phrase uttered by these in-laws is, "I did it this way, and look at how good my child turned out.”
Now, no one is perfect, and generational cycles can be hard to break. However, Dr. Goldman says chronic disrespect can be toxic, leaving new parents feeling overwhelmed and uncertain during a vulnerable time.
3. They undermine you and display passive-aggressive behaviors.
Some disrespect is less direct, but it can hurt just as much, if not more.
"They ignore your household rules by going behind your back and encouraging your kids to do things you’ve told them not to do," Dr. Vaughan says. "They will pretend to forget to invite you to family events. They are competitive and disrespectful. They are belittling, sarcastic and hostile in very avoidant and indirect ways."
No one is perfect, but you think you and your partner (and the two of you together) are pretty great. Your in-laws may 200/10 disagree.
"In-laws are toxic if they constantly criticize you or your partner, with little to no praise or compliments," Dr. Schiff says. "It is usually not constructive and is unwarranted."
Sometimes, criticism is a form of judgment for your actions and decisions.
"It feels like being under a microscope with the knowledge that no matter what you do, your in-law will find something negative to say," Dr. Goldman says. "This can be a form of emotional and verbal abuse, especially if this is chronic and harmful."
Your in-laws may have a lot to say about your marriage, lifestyle and any applicable parenting choices. However, you've never heard them say, "Sorry."
"In-laws may be unwilling to apologize or accept responsibility and take accountability for their actions," Dr. Schiff says. "If they made a mistake or upset you, they refuse to acknowledge it and will not apologize for offending you. They may deflect blame onto others or blame you."
7. It's all about them.
All roads and conversations lead to your in-laws.
"They make everything about them and are very self-absorbed," Dr. Vaughan says. "They make all the choices for family vacations and fun time, never considering what anyone else may want to do as if their feelings, thoughts and opinions are the only ones that matter or are important."
8. They're master manipulators.
Family roles change as children reach adulthood and start their own families with a partner and (maybe) children. Even non-toxic in-laws can struggle.
"In-laws are used to their relationship with their child, and having to adjust to a new person can be challenging," Dr. Goldman says.
However, the struggle can get really old (and toxic) really fast.
"[In-laws] might try to maintain the relationship they had with their child or might try to manipulate their child to side with them on various topics," Dr. Goldman says. "This can cause negativity in the relationship of the partners, and cause tension or unnecessary arguments between the couple."
There are many ways to deal with toxic in-laws, but Dr. Goldman suggests discussing them with your partner first so you can present a united front.
"The more that the couple is unified—truly unified and not one person leading the other—the easier it becomes to navigate toxic in-laws," Dr. Goldman says. "If your partner cannot agree, look at where they are unwilling to compromise or stuck, explore why and try to strategize together."
2. Boundaries
Toxic in-laws may not like boundaries, but you can still set them . In fact, they're a top to-do on Dr. Goldman's list of ways to manage toxic in-laws.
"In-laws need to understand their role in this newly formed family," Dr. Goldman says. "Boundaries exist to keep everyone safe (physically, as well as emotionally). If boundaries are not respected, they might become more rigid over time."
Dr. Goldman says it's important to be clear and consistent with boundaries—avoid setting and forgetting them.
"Do not implement a boundary that you can only hold half of the time—this is highly ineffective and can make toxic behavior even worse," Dr. Goldman says. "If the boundary changes, find a clear way to communicate that to others in a respectful yet firm tone."
Dr. Vaughan advises people to remain direct and assertive when stating boundaries or other issues with in-laws. She's a fan of " I statements ."
"'I' statements [are] reflective listening to lower the defenses and show them you are not a threat," Dr. Vaughan says. "This also helps make your communication clear and keeps it honest."
4. Accept what you cannot change.
You can shift your communication and response, but Dr. Vaughan warns you will never reinvent your in-laws. That's on them.
"Understand and accept the fact that you do not have the power to change them, and they may never change," Dr. Vaughan says.
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