While we tend to admire relationships that are several years in and clearly in it for the long haul, there are those negative relationships that go on for years and can take their toll.
Gaslighting is just one way that a relationship can go from healthy to toxic in the blink of an eye. If you feel that you’re in a gaslighting relationship with a romantic partner (or have been gaslit by a friend or family member for quite some time), you should be aware of the long-term effects that can happen and what to do about them. You might be surprised at how gaslighting manifests itself in unexpected ways in the body and mind.
Related: What Is Gaslighting? 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look For in Your Relationship
What Is Gaslighting?
“Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse where one person causes another to question their own reality, memory or perceptions,” says Dr. Adrianna Holness, Ph.D. “This tactic can be intentional or unintentional and is often used to gain power , create confusion and sow seeds of doubt."
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
7 Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
1. Hypervigilance
As a result of long-term gaslighting , Dr. Holness says that you might find yourself constantly scanning your environment for signs of deception, which can be exhausting.
If you’re feeling the burden of hypervigilance, Dr. Holness recommends seeking out various forms of therapy: specifically Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT-I), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) or EMDR , which can help manage the intensity of these feelings and shift the way that you relate to those hypervigilant thoughts.
Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Gaslighting to Look Out For, According to Psychologists
2. Difficulty Trusting Yourself
Peggy Loo, Ph.D. , a New York City-based psychologist and the director of Manhattan Therapy Collective , says that long-term gaslighting can make it difficult to trust your instincts or any of your emotional or body cues as valid.
“Our instincts, emotions and bodies can give us a quick impression of something faster than our brains take to form full, rational thoughts,” she explains. “We are meant to use all of these parts of ourselves, with our reasoning, to get a full picture of a person or situation. However, when someone experiences gaslighting over time, they learn to mistrust or ignore their instincts, feelings and senses as valuable tools to use in their lives.”
Dr. Loo says that the good news is that “it's like a muscle that we can return to and strengthen with use and time.” She suggests starting by taking an intentional pause and identifying your initial thoughts , feelings or sense of any new situation.
3. Minimized Personal Pain
Long-term gaslighting can make you minimize your personal pain or needs, as Dr. Loo says.
“People who have had their thoughts and feelings questioned tend to minimize their struggles or personal pain, which can lead to difficulty seeking help,” she explains. “If others don't treat your experiences and needs as important and deserving of positive attention, you're unlikely to share with others or even seek therapy .”
Here's one practical way to deal with this effect—Dr. Loo says that when a friend asks, “How are you?,” try to answer the question honestly, rather than a socially reflexive “Fine,” especially if that's not the case.
Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
4. Memory Problems
According to Dr. Holness, persistent gaslighting can make you distrust your own memory . To deal with your memory problems, she recommends keeping a journal of events and conversations. “This can be helpful both in therapy and can also serve as a personal validation of your experiences,” she says.
5. Health Issues
All that chronic stress from gaslighting can add up to sleep disturbances , headaches and other physical symptoms, as Dr. Holness points out. If you’re feeling the physical side of long-term gaslighting, she emphasizes the importance of prioritizing self-care , “including regular exercise, adequate sleep and a healthy diet,” she says. “Also, consult a healthcare provider to address any persistent physical symptoms.”
6. Indecisiveness
Dr. Loo says that long-term gaslighting can bring on indecisiveness and reassurance-seeking.
“Being gaslit frequently can result in difficulty making decisions by yourself or seeking reassurance from others, particularly whomever you deem as an authority figure,” she says. “While this may look like asking friends, partners or family members for feedback, it can also look like spending a lot of time online researching, reading reviews or following what others do.”
Dr. Loo goes on to say, “A good first step from here is to try making a small decision every day, without getting anyone's opinion on it. Low-stakes decision-making is a great way to build self-trust and self-awareness as you learn through low-risk trial and error what works for you and why."
Related: 13 Red Flags of Gaslighting at Work and How to Respond, According to Psychologists
7. Loss of Identity
“You might feel like you've lost a sense of who you are,” Dr. Holness says. “Engage in old hobbies and activities you used to enjoy. Therapy can also assist in rediscovering your identity and establishing your personal boundaries .”
Up Next:
Related: If You Answer 'Yes' to Any of These 5 Questions, You May Be in a Gaslighting Relationship, Says a Psychologist
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