They say "words matter," but that can especially be true with a narcissist. Some words and phrases can set them off more than others, and the people in their orbit are better off knowing what's what.
"Narcissists typically have a fragile sense of self-esteem, and certain phrases can trigger defensive or aggressive reactions," says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "By recognizing these phrases, you can choose your words wisely to avoid unnecessary conflicts or emotional escalations."
As a bonus: "You can take comfort when someone responds positively to these phrases and feel more confident that they are an emotionally safe person," Dr. McGeehan says.
One response, in particular, truly grinds a narcissist's gear. Experts explain the number one response a narcissist can't stand, whether it's a good idea to use it and what to say instead (if you choose). They also share a few other replies that might do anything from annoy to enrage a narcissist.
Related: 22 Surprising Phrases That Make You 'Instantly Unlikable,' Psychologists Warn
What Is a Narcissist?
The short answer: "A narcissist exists at the intersection of low self-esteem and lack of empathy," says Dr. Gayle MacBride, PhD, LP of Veritas Psychology Partners. "Narcissists can be thought of as 'emotionally blind' or limited."
That said, Dr. MacBride says that words matter when using the term narcissism, just as they do when communicating with one. "The term narcissist has become very popular recently," Dr. MacBride says. When a term like this is being used in common, everyday conversations, it appears more clinical and formal, but it often can be misapplied and misunderstood."
A person might have some traits commonly linked to someone with narcissistic personality disorder without qualifying for a diagnosis. Some common characteristics and behaviors include:
- Telling you how great they are
- Needing you to tell them how great they are
- Lacking the ability to recognize how their needs impact others
- Struggling to recognize that others have needs
"This results in the inability to connect with others in an empathic way," Dr. MacBride says.
Importantly, narcissism or these traits can be developmentally appropriate. For instance, an 18-month-old toddler doesn't have a grasp on empathy yet, and that's normal.
The #1 Response a Narcissist Cannot Stand, According to Psychologists
"No." No, seriously. While the response is only a two-letter word, it can dredge up some big feelings and reactions from narcissists.
"Narcissists often dislike the word no because it represents a direct challenge to their perceived authority and control," Dr. McGeehan says. "To a narcissist, no can feel like a rejection or a denial of their importance, which can be very threatening to their ego. This aversion is rooted in their need for constant validation and agreement from others to bolster their self-worth."
In addition to feeling like a challenge to their control, the word no represents a form of criticism.
"This criticism cuts deeply for the narcissist, who must be seen as superior," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D ., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
While narcissists crave validations, they're not big on boundaries. The word "no" sets one.
This is unlikely to go over well because the individual with narcissism believes they know best and that what they say should be the way things go," says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D ., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks . "Any pushback is unwelcome and unappreciated."
That pushback comes in the form of a one-word complete sentence, which can be a tough pill to swallow.
"There’s little left in the way of reassurance that they are going to be OK," Dr. MacBride says. "Remember, a narcissist is stuck in and struggling with a basic human need of feeling like they are good enough and belong. They feel like they want to be in the middle of everyone’s story. They are barely keeping their head above those waters and are not going to be able to see your perspective at all—all they see is the waterline."
Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to Psychologists
When To Avoid Using 'No' With a Narcissist
The No. 1 time to pick something other than the word "no" is if you're afraid for your safety. "Physical safety is definitely worth keeping in mind, as well as emotional safety," Dr. Smith says. "In such instances, it may be best to say what can safely help you get out of a situation. For example, saying, 'I hear what you’re asking, and I want to give you an answer right now. However, I have to check a few things before I can give you a solid answer.'"
Dr. Goldman says alternatives include:
- “I would prefer to approach it differently.”
- “I don’t think that’s a great idea for me.”
- “Unfortunately, I can’t do that at this time.”
- “To be honest with you, I’m uncomfortable with that.”
- “I can’t X, but I can Y. Does that work?”
- “I have another commitment already."
When To Use 'No' With a Narcissist
TL;DR: "That decision has to be made based on what the person views as best for them," Dr. Smith says.
Ask yourself: What are the consequences, and do they outweigh the benefits?
"If the person with narcissism is the periphery, lives at a geographic distance or has limited emotional involvement with the individual, it can be and feel easier to say no, as the impact of the consequences may be negligible," Dr. Smith says. "However, if the person with narcissism is a co-parent who lives in the same town and has joint custody, it may be difficult to let loose and directly say no as often or as easily because the individual is working to create some level of harmony as a co-parent."
Also, the word "no" might be the best one to use if a person has chronically overstepped boundaries and ignored less assertive-sounding attempts to maintain limits.
"This is particularly relevant when setting firm boundaries, which is necessary to protect your interests or well-being," Dr. McGeehan says. "Being clear and direct in these situations can help reinforce your boundaries, even though it may trigger a negative response from the narcissist."
How To Deal With a Negative Response to 'No'
Keep calm and refrain from reacting defensively, Dr. McGeehan says.
"Maintain a firm yet polite demeanor, and avoid getting drawn into emotional arguments or justifications," Dr. McGeehan says. "Narcissists get their power from emotional reactions. It’s also helpful to plan your responses ahead of time and stick to your boundaries, ensuring that you remain consistent in your interactions."
Dr. McGeehan says that a therapist or a close confidant can help you remain grounded in reality, which is important because a narcissist can twist the truth or straight-up gaslight you.
More Psychologist Insight:
5 Other Phrases Narcissists Do *Not* Like
1. "This is not all about you."
In their head, it is.
"Narcissists often center themselves in discussions and situations, so this phrase can be particularly triggering as it dismisses their self-centered perspective," Dr. McGeehan says. "They are excellent at making everything about them and struggle to understand how something could not impact them."
2. "You're wrong."
Say it ain't so.
"This phrase is a direct challenge and comes across as undermining the individual’s grandiose view of themselves, along with their expectation that they are always right and know best," Dr. Smith says.
3. "I don't care."
Telling people with NPD that they aren't exciting or relevant might send a message that they aren't important anymore.
"This threatens the narcissist's very existence and can be quite destabilizing," Dr. Goldman says.
4. "I can do it on my own."
While some people may appreciate having independent people in their lives, a narcissist may take it as a challenge.
"Not needing the narcissists or their expertise or skill set means that they are no longer useful to the individual," Dr. Goldman says. "This threatens the narcissist as it communicates they are unnecessary and perhaps even irrelevant."
5. "I’m with someone else right now."
This one can also feel unsettling.
"It can really hurt a person high in narcissism because they are going to worry that the 'competition' will be better than them," Dr. MacBride says. "This social desperation will have them go to lengths to compensate or exert control over the situation and put the spotlight back on them."
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