In relationships, you generally want to avoid being a passive participant, or an aggressive one. The latter can be toxic and abusive. However, psychologists share that avoiding another relationship pitfall is important: chronic passive-aggressive behavior.
You may have heard the term numerous times in passing (no pun intended).
"Passive-aggressive behavior refers to a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings while avoiding openly addressing them," explains Dr. Joel Frank, Psy . D . , a licensed psychologist with Duality Psychological Services.
Passive-aggressive communication can affect relationships because it undercuts communication and fosters misunderstandings.
"This indirect communication style could prevent partners from fully understanding each other's emotions, leading to unresolved issues and unspoken frustrations," Dr. Frank says.
Recognizing examples of common passive-aggressive comments and statements can help you get to the heart of molehills before they become mountains. Psychologists share the passive-aggressive phrases often used in relationships and healthy ways to respond.
Related: 7 Direct Phrases to Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Behavior, According to a Psychologist
How Do Passive-Aggressive People Talk?
Passive-aggressive people speak and act indirectly. " Passive-aggressiveness is one style of communication and can be verbal or behavioral," says Dr. Linda Simmons, Psy.D ., a licensed clinical psychologist with Thriveworks .
However, sometimes, a person will use words to say something loudly (but not so clearly).
"Passive-aggressive communication has a hostile undertone," says Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LP , a licensed psychologist with DML Psychological Services, PLLC. "A passive-aggressive person speaks in a roundabout way, like, 'People can't be trusted,' when they really mean, 'You can't be trusted.' They offer statements that mirror their problem with you instead of being upfront."
Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to Psychologists
12 Common Passive-Aggressive Phrases in Relationships
1. "Let me just do it."
Sometimes, this comment can be helpful. However, one psychologist notes some people hide behind this passive-aggressive phrase when they're unhappy with how someone completed a task but don't want to tell them it's not up to snuff.
"We are not doing that person or ourselves a service by not addressing the issue," says Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP of Veritas Psychology Partners. "We are just taking more on our plate that we might not have the time or bandwidth to do, likely simmering in resentment and robbing the other person of an opportunity to learn."
2. "Whatever you want."
Dr. MacBride says this statement is often used as a non-confrontational way to hint that you have an opinion that you don't feel comfortable sharing.
"Do yourself and others a favor, and next time you have a thought about where to go for dinner or how to approach a project: Tell them," Dr. MacBride recommends.
For instance, try, “Your ideas are really interesting. I had a few of my own that I’d like to share with the group before making a final decision about our approach.”
"That way, you get to be heard," Dr. MacBride says.
Related: 11 Phrases That Emotionally Immature People Often Say, According to Mental Health Experts
3. "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Dr. MacBride isn't passive-aggressive about her feelings on this one, calling it her "least favorite" and a feeble attempt at an apology.
"It is avoidance of uncomfortable feelings and conversations," she explains.
4. "It's fine. I'm used to doing everything myself."
This phrase is drenched in passive-aggressive undertones to the point they're overt.
"It conveys unspoken frustration about feeling unsupported, potentially guilting the other person without directly asking for help," Dr. Frank says.
5. "I'm not mad."
Unless it's genuine, this one also gets a thumbs-down from Dr. Frank.
"It leaves the other person guessing while harboring hidden anger," Dr. Frank says.
Related: 7 Subtle Signs of Manipulation, According to a Psychologist
6. "You're just so perfect, aren't you?"
This question is often asked sarcastically and as a slight rather than a compliment. However, the problem frequently lies within the person asking it.
"It masks jealousy or insecurity," Dr. Frank says.
7. "I love your X. You'd look better if you got rid of X."
"Passive-aggressive individuals are also good at giving backhanded compliments," Dr. Simmons says.
Save the backhand for pickleball. Dr. Simmons explains that it's not the best way to give someone advice.
8. “This wasn’t my idea, so why should I put in the extra effort?”
Perhaps the family or your couple's friends put their annual vacation destination to a vote, and your idea didn't win out. Your partner did vote with the winning "team," and you're extra bitter about their excitement and eagerness to get you to chime in on the itinerary. Dr. Simmons says passive-aggressive behavior includes sarcastic remarks like this, followed by doing the minimum, showing up late and acting unresponsive.
Related: 9 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting That Are Often Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists
9. "Do you actually even understand what I’m trying to say?"
This combines patronizing and passive-aggressive undertones in one toxic ball. The person saying it may not stop there, especially if they're called out.
"If they receive backlash, they may resort to saying that they were just joking around or complaining that the other person didn’t understand that they didn’t really mean what they said," Dr. Simmons says.
10. "This is why I don't depend on others."
Big sigh.
"This is a way of saying I'm disappointed that you did not show up for me," Dr. Leno says. "A more genuine statement would be, 'I really needed you at that moment.'"
11. "I'll go if you really want to go."
Q: OK, but do you want to go?
A: Probably not.
"This phrase is usually used to say, 'I don't want to go,'" Dr. Leno says.
Dr. Leno explains that a more productive way to phrase this question is, "Are you open to other ideas?"
12. "Are you really that sensitive?"
This question is also used as a mask.
"It's a statement disguised as a question to say you are too sensitive because you didn't simply accept my insult," Dr. Leno says.
More Psychologist Insight:
The 3-Step Guide To Responding To Passive Aggressive Behavior
1. Set boundaries
This tip can seem like it's become as cliche as "Have you tried yoga and meditation?" Yet setting boundaries is vital for responding to passive-aggressive behavior, protecting your peace and maintaining healthy relationships.
"We all crave knowing limits, and setting boundaries allows us to do that in a respectful way," Dr. MacBride says. "Being open to hearing someone’s ideas doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Most of us feel better when we are heard."
Dr. MacBride suggests, "It's OK for us to disagree about this, but it's not OK to let it fester. Maybe we can talk about our positions."
2. Avoid anger, shaming and judging
While challenging, Dr. Simmons advises against responding with anger.
"Address the behavior directly but without blame or judgment," Dr. Simmons says. "The ‘blame game’ is only likely to escalate the situation. Let the passive-aggressive person know that your goal is to solve the problem, not point fingers."
Mastering the art of "I" statements can guard against putting the passive-aggressive person on defense.
"Using 'I' statements not only reduces defensiveness but also fosters a sense of connection and empathy, as it places emphasis on your feelings and personal experiences," Dr. Frank says.
For example, Dr. Frank says someone might tell their partner, "I feel confused when comments like that are made. Can we clarify things together?"
Related: 5 Phrases to Counter (Unjustified) Criticism, According to a Therapist
3. Dig deep
In some ways, taking someone's "I'm not mad" at face value can feel simpler, especially if you don't want to acknowledge any wrongdoing.
Dr. MacBride suggests a different approach.
"Be curious," she says. "Be brave. Don’t assume someone’s upset is even about you...We have all learned to say 'fine' even when we are not fine. Dig deeper."
A verbal shovel might sound like, “I hear you say you are OK, but your voice sounds frustrated. I want to be a better listener and really hear what’s upsetting you.”
Up Next:
Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotional Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist
Expert Sources
- Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D. , a licensed psychologist with Duality Psychological Services
- Dr. Linda Simmons, Psy.D ., a licensed clinical psychologist with Thriveworks
- Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph D., LP of Veritas Psychology Partners
- Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LP , a licensed psychologist with DML Psychological Services, PLLC
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