Are heroes born, or are they made? The debate over nurture vs. nature is a tale as old as time. However, there's a theory that men have what's known as the " hero instinct ," suggesting that, for some, the desire to fix and save is innate.
Gender stereotypes are also a tale as old as time, and relationship therapists share the theory behind the hero instinct is based on them. However, understanding how to trigger the hero instinct may be a game-changer for some couples. First, you need to know what it is. Relationship therapists discussed the hero instinct, including do's and don'ts for triggering it in men.
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What Is The Hero Instinct?
James Bauer popularized the idea in his book His Secret Obsession: How to Get Inside the Mind of Any Man. "The hero instinct is a feeling, an urge or an idea, in other words, an instinct, to want to step in and take care of others in some sort of positive act," explains Reena B. Patel , a positive psychologist and licensed educational board-certified behavior analyst. "This can be a desired behavior where you would be looked at in a positive light for doing a good and kind act or simply looking out for the greater good."
However, some therapists warn that the theory behind the hero instinct centers on cis-hetero relationships and stereotypes that can be harmful (and not always true).
"This idea posits that all men have this innate drive and instinct and that if some men do not 'experience it,' that there are things you can do to 'bring it out' or 'trigger it,'" says Alexandra Cromer, LPC with Thriveworks .
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The Science Behind the Hero Instinct in Men
Real talk: "While I cannot find any empirical evidence that supports the idea that the hero instinct exists as an innate, at-birth given condition that is present in 'all men,' there are absolutely some men who do feel this way and who do align with the values described in the hero instinct," Cromer says. "For example, we know that some people have intrinsically higher levels of impulsivity, which makes them more likely to 'jump in' and protect bystanders and/or their loved ones in dangerous situations."
Cromer adds that some people, including men, have an innate sense of duty, which could prompt a hero instinct.
"Finally, nature vs. nurture," Cromer says. "A home environment where the hero instinct or its virtues were modeled might lend to an adult male who aligns with them."
How To Trigger a Man's Hero Instinct
1. Boost his confidence
A little flattery can go a long way in triggering the hero instinct.
"Share what you love about him and how he makes you feel," Patel says. "Actually do tell him this out loud so he can hear it and digest it."
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2. Show respect
Avoid being condescending.
"Don't make him feel like he's not doing it right or doing enough," Patel says. "If he feels good and confident in himself, he can feel a lot of those hero instinct qualities."
3. Cheerlead
Patel says appreciation and support are positive reinforcement for the hero instinct.
If he does something you liked, such as getting your car serviced when he noticed the air in your tires was low, be sure to say thank you.
4. Give him some power
Ideally, relationships and decisions are a two-way street. For generations, men had the final say, and thankfully, that's changed. However, a man with a hero instinct may suppress it if you're always the one deciding weekend plans and what to eat for dinner
"Give him some power in decision-making," Patel says. "Even if you tend to be very independent, doing this in a genuine way will make him feel equipped, compatible and feel good."
Why Would You Want To Trigger His Hero Instinct?
To some extent, the desire to trigger the hero instinct is natural. "Making your partner feel needed, appreciated and respected in an overt way makes them feel good, confident in the relationship and intimately closer to you," explains Dr. Gail Saltz, MD , a clinical associate professor at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the How Can I Help? Podcast.
However, it can also be a relationship red flag .
"Your desire for this might be due to feeling like you are unsupported in your current relationship," Cromer says. "In couples therapy, I often see a partner with this desire have this desire because they feel that their partner is not taking an active role in the relationship and is too passive. They see their partner as not present within the relationship and they do not feel valued by their partner."
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The Dos and Don'ts of The Hero Instinct
1. Do: Manage expectations
This one is especially important given the stereotypes baked into the theory behind the hero instinct.
"You can’t trigger the hero instinct in all men," Cromer says. "If someone would like to increase their propensity to engage in prosocial behaviors and increase their alignment with the core values of altruism and selflessness, there are absolutely proactive steps they can take."
2. Don't: Force it
Trying to get someone to be someone they are not—or do something they don't want to do—is unhealthy and can lead to resentment.
"You don't want to make them do something they dont feel or don't want to do," Patel says.
Dr. Saltz agrees, adding, "Don't nag your partner for behaviors you wish they would exhibit."
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3. Do: Be clear
Expecting someone to swoop in and help without any guidance is best left for fairytales.
"Be overt in your expression of appreciation," Dr. Saltz says.
For instance, Dr. Saltz recommends something like, " I really love it when you do ."
4. Do: Be patient
"Instinct" implies that a man 100% naturally possesses the hero instinct. Whether or not that's the case, triggering it (or developing it) can take time.
"This is not an overnight process and will take time, and you might feel like your partner is regressing before they make progress," Cromer explains.
5. Do: Be flexible
This one goes hand in hand with patience (and not forcing things).
"Be willing to make compromises with them as they are on this journey," Cromer says. "They’re changing, and you might have to change with them."
6. Don't: Make this all about you
Cromer stresses that the hero instinct should be mutually beneficial.
"While they might be doing this with hopes that it benefits you, this is ultimately a journey towards their own view of self," Cromer says.
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