With your significant other , you know those phrases that tend to pop up between the two of you when you’re having an argument or disagreement . Couples can fall into communication ruts, and there can be some phrases used regularly that are worse than others. In fact, relationship therapist Cheryl Groskopf, licensed marriage and family therapist and professional clinical counselor at California’s Evolution to Healing , is begging couples to stop using some phrases in particular.
Find out what to avoid saying to your partner (even when it's hard to bite your tongue!), why these common expressions are harmful for your relationship, and what to say instead.
Benefits of Good Communication
Groskopf, says that first of all, good communication in a relationship can create a “safe space” where both people can be vulnerable without fear of judgment or rejections.
“A safe space in a relationship is everything,” she says. “When you can talk openly without worrying about being judged or rejected, it allows both of you to be your true selves. This vulnerability is what deepens your connection and makes the relationship stronger."
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Additionally, good communication means “no guessing games,” according to Groskopf, who adds that you’re not left wondering what your partner is thinking or feeling because they’ve already told you.
When you have good communication, your partner can also feel seen, heard and valued.
“When your partner truly listens and acknowledges your feelings, it lights up the same parts of your brain that register reward and safety,” Groskopf points out. “Truly feeling seen, heard and valued solidifies trust , and makes the relationship feel like a true partnership."
Related: If Something Feels a Little Off, Make Sure You're Watching Out for These 40 Relationship Red Flags
Outcomes of Poor Communication
On the other hand, less-than-great communication with your partner can lead to resentment. As Groskopf says, when we don’t communicate, resentment can start to build.
“You begin holding onto grudges, replaying past arguments in your head and keeping score of who’s done what wrong,” she explains.
Poor communication can also rewire the brain. Groskopf explains that consistent poor communication doesn’t just affect the relationship—it literally changes how your brain sees your partner.
“When you’re stuck in negative communication patterns, your brain starts associating your partner with stress instead of comfort," she adds. "Suddenly, the person who’s supposed to be your safe haven feels more like a threat."
Over time, these misunderstandings can result in unmet needs. Groskopf says that when you’re not clear about what you want or how you feel, your partner is left to guess.
“And let’s be honest, most people aren’t great mind-readers,” she notes. “When our needs go unmet, frustration builds (on both ends) and you start feeling neglected or unimportant.”
That’s why it can be helpful, and even essential, to check the following phrases at the door when it comes to your partner.
Related: 6 Things a Relationship Therapist Is Begging Married Couples To Stop Doing
5 Phrases a Relationship Therapist Is Begging Couples To Stop Using ASAP
1. “I’m sorry—it’s all my fault.”
“This is the ultimate people-pleaser move,” Groskopf says. “You’re taking on all the blame just to smooth things over, but in reality, it’s just a way to shut down the conversation and avoid conflict.”
And although it doesn’t seem like it, Groskopf says that this phrase can be manipulative. Essentially, by claiming all the fault, the speaker might hope to make their partner feel guilty. “This minimizes the other person’s role in the situation, and disempowers them from discussing their own feelings or perspective,” she says.
Instead, Groskopf recommends saying, “I take responsibility for my behavior, and I want to listen to how you’re feeling.”
2. “I’m fine.”
That little phrase can add up to big problems in a relationship . “I’m fine” only works to dismiss your own feelings and avoids the issue entirely. Groskopf says that this statement can send mixed signals to your partner, leaving them unsure if something is actually wrong.
“You’re basically saying, ‘I’m not okay, but I don’t want to deal with it,’” Groskopf says.
As an alternative, you can say, “I’m upset, but I need some time to figure out how to express it,” as Groskopf puts it.
3. “You’re too sensitive.”
“By saying this, you’re basically telling your partner that their feelings aren’t valid by dismissing their emotions entirely,” Groskopf says. “It implies that their reactions are a problem rather than a reflection of legitimate concerns. It can also be a red flag that your partner is trying to gaslight you, making you constantly feel like you need to walk on eggshells.”
Eventually, this phrase can create emotional distance, leading to your partner feeling misunderstood, unsupported and hesitant to express their feelings.
Instead of saying this problematic phrase, Groskopf suggests, “I didn’t realize this was affecting you so much. Let’s talk about it.”
Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You're 'Too Sensitive'
4. “I’m just bad at relationships.”
Groskopf asserts that this phrase is actually a form of self-sabotage that excuses poor behavior and avoids taking responsibility for growth.
“It’s a way to shut down any effort to improve the relationship. You’re basically throwing your hands up and saying, ‘This is as good as it gets,’ which is a lie,” she says. As a result, the phrase can shut down any chance of growth or improvement.
So, what should you say instead? “I’ve struggled in relationships before, but I want to learn and grow in this one,” as Groskopf advises.
Related: 11 Small Things That Happy, Healthy Couples Always Do, According to a Therapist
5. “I knew this would happen.”
“This phrase is drenched in negativity,” Groskopf says. “It’s the verbal equivalent of expecting the worst and then patting yourself on the back when it happens.”
In a relationship, this phrase can create a sense of hopelessness, making your partner feel like there’s no point in trying to change or improve things.
For this, a better phrase that Groskopf shares is, “This situation is challenging, and I’m here to work through it with you or I’m feeling let down, and I want to discuss how we can prevent this in the future."
Related: 13 Things To Never Do After a Fight With Your Partner, According to a Therapist
At the end of the day, although these phrases can be damaging to a relationship, Groskopf says that one of the worst things to do is say nothing at all.
“Giving your partner the silent treatment is straight-up unfair,” she says. “Your partner is left feeling invisible and completely unimportant, which is the last thing anyone should feel in a relationship. Instead of dealing with the issue, you’re just shutting them out in the form of punishment.”
In other words? Talk it out, and avoid these detrimental phrases.
Up Next:
Related: 25 Relationship Check-In Questions for You and Your Partner
Source
- Cheryl Groskopf, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Professional Clinical Counselor at California’s Evolution to Healing
Local News
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