Humans thrive off connection. The amount you need can vary, but even introverts benefit from a sense of community. Yet, we all have cringe moments when we wish we could take back something we said. While it happens to all of us at some point, you may feel like you're constantly wishing you could put your foot in your mouth and feel socially inept.
"For those who struggle with social ineptitude, it often feels like they are missing the mark on social cues, communication and building meaningful relationships," says Dr. Joel Frank, Psy . D ., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services. "Experientially, they may feel anxious at a gathering, misread someone's intentions or find it challenging to keep a conversation flowing."
Now, psychologists don't love the label "socially inept," and they don't want the below list to be used to "diagnose" a friend (social ineptitude isn't even a diagnosis).
"Calling someone socially inept is a criticism and can be insulting, especially if the person is unaware of their social struggles," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D . , a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
However, self-awareness of your social challenges is key to working on them. Psychologists shared signs you might be "socially inept" and what to do about it.
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11 Signs You Might Be 'Socially Inept,' According to Psychologists
1. Difficulty starting or maintaining conversations
Feeling constantly unsure how to start or keep a conversation could be a clue you find social situations difficult.
"This can mean there are awkward pauses in conversations or lulls that last longer than comfortable, or it might mean the person waiting to be asked questions instead of prompting questions of others," Dr. Goldman says.
You might feel lonely or cast off to the side, so it might help to know you aren't alone.
"Being able to make small talk or carry on a conversation can be quite challenging and takes practice," Dr. Goldman says. "It is not something that comes naturally to everyone."
Related: 8 Obvious and Unexpected Characteristics of a 'Reserved Personality Type,' According to Psychologists
2. Avoiding eye contact
Connection is about more than words. The eyes are a window, but you might try to hide yours subtly.
"People who experience social challenges often have difficulty maintaining eye contact during conversations or when meeting new people," says Dr. Scott Lyons, Ph.D. , a licensed holistic psychologist, educator and author of Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself. " This could be due to anxiety, discomfort, or a lack of confidence in social situations."
3. Silence is hard
While some pauses are awkward, others are necessary. However, a person who finds social situations challenging might feel they need to be more capable of determining when to fill the silence and when to take a beat. It's understandable. The mixed messages ("Talk more!" and then "Be quiet!") can feel confusing.
"A socially inept person may sometimes struggle with unintentional silence, which can be due to the socially inept person feeling pressured to speak," says Dr. Cashuna (Shun) Huddleston, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "This may cause overwhelming feelings and creates uncertainty of what to say, so instead is silent."
4. Frequent interruptions
On the other hand, others don't enjoy feeling constantly interrupted, which Dr. Frank says can be considered rude and inconsiderate.
"For instance, a socially inept person might interject with their thoughts during a group discussion without waiting for a natural pause," Dr. Frank says.
Related: 7 Phrases to Politely Interrupt Someone, According to a Therapist
5. Over-sharing
While sharing pieces of yourself is a way to connect, it's possible to overdo it.
"Sharing too much personal information too soon can make interactions uncomfortable," Dr. Frank says. "For example, in a casual work conversation, a socially inept person might reveal intimate details about their personal life, making colleagues feel uneasy."
Related: 9 Surprising Things You Should Never, Ever Reveal About Yourself and Why, According to Psychologists
6. Difficulty 'speaking' body language
Adhering to social cues can feel challenging enough without throwing body language into the mix.
"Reading the body language of others can be subtle and is a skill that takes practice," Dr. Goldman says. "Sometimes, it can be challenging to understand when a person is uncomfortable, especially if their body language does not match what they are verbally communicating. It can be difficult to interpret what someone’s body language means, especially if you do not know the person very well."
Yet, it's an important skill to hone as it can help you "read a room" and determine whether a person is comfortable (or not) with a current conversation.
7. Challenges communicating feelings
Effective and authentic communication is a pillar of relationships. Yet, it isn't easy.
"We are not all skilled at saying what we mean in an effective way that is received well by others," Dr. Goldman says. "It is even more challenging to communicate when feelings are involved, as feelings can cloud one’s ability to share how they feel."
8. Humor is a hurdle
"If you often feel that people don't understand your jokes or comments, it could be a sign that you're struggling to connect with others on a social level," Dr. Lyons says.
There's a big caveat here: "However, it's important to note that humor is subjective, and what one person finds funny may not resonate with everyone," Dr. Lyons says.
Also, you don't have to learn to "take a joke" if someone says something offensive to you, such as about your weight or decision not to have kids (or have a fifth child).
9. A sneaking suspicion that others avoid you
While others may not come out and say it, their actions (and RSVP choices) may speak louder than words.
"If you sense that people are reluctant to engage in conversations with you or seem to avoid your company, it could be an indication of social challenges," Dr. Lyons says. "However, it's essential to consider other factors, such as shared interests or compatibility, before jumping to conclusions."
Related: Making New Friends as an Adult Isn’t Easy, but Luckily, We Have 102 Expert-Backed Ways To Do Just That
10. Overthinking social interactions
For some, one or two recent social interactions can play on repeat—only ending when the next "awkward moment" occurs.
"If you find yourself constantly replaying social interactions in your head, analyzing every detail and worrying about what you said or did, it could be a sign of social awkwardness," Dr. Lyons says. "Overthinking can lead to increased anxiety and self-doubt, making future social interactions even more challenging."
11. Social anxiety
Social ineptitude isn't a diagnosis, but social anxiety is.
"Experiencing intense anxiety or fear in social situations could indicate underlying social challenges," Dr. Lyons says. "This may manifest as a reluctance to interact with others, attend social events or engage in activities that deviate from your usual routine."
Related: 'I've Been an Etiquette Expert for Almost 20 Years—Here's the #1 Phrase to End a Conversation Without Making It Awkward'
How To Become More Comfortable in Social Situations if You're 'Socially Inept'
1. Avoid negative self-labeling
It might sound counterintuitive if you're reading this article, but Dr. Lyons advises against labeling yourself "socially inept" or any adjacent terms.
"Using such labels can reinforce negative self-beliefs and hinder your progress," Dr. Lyons says.
2. Practice active listening
While you may be ruminating about what you will say at a party in three weeks (or said at one three weeks ago), Dr. Lyons says listening is one of the most important ways to improve social interactions.
"By focusing on what others are saying and showing genuine interest, you demonstrate that you value their thoughts and opinions," Dr. Lyons says. "This can help build rapport and create more meaningful connections."
Dr. Frank recommends reflecting on a person's thoughts once they finish speaking instead of spending the whole time they are talking thinking about how to respond.
Related: Want to Display Your Active Listening Skills? Try Using These 33 Powerful Phrases
3. Learn body language
This one takes time, but Dr. Goldman says it will increase connection and understanding. She recommends becoming a people-watcher.
"Sit in public spaces and watch the body language of other people in conversation," Dr. Goldman says. "Be able to name the specifics of their body language."
For instance, is a person open? Are they closed off? Guarded? At ease?
If watching people in public feels awkward, you can also learn from TV shows and movies.
"Explore the difference between what people say and what their body language does," Dr. Goldman says.
For instance, does someone say, "I'm fine," with a frown? That's a clue that they aren't really fine.
4. Gradual exposure
Go slow when trying to improve your social skills. Dr. Huddleston recommends attending casual gatherings or chatting with neighbors or co-workers in low-stakes situations, like when you're out walking your dog or pouring coffee.
"This type of action creates a space to practice conversing in a non-threatening manner, thereby increasing social comfort," Dr. Huddleston says.
Related: This Shockingly Simply Habit Could Make a Huge Difference in Your Self-Esteem, According to a Life Coach
5. Get help
Dr. Lyons says professional help can be important in becoming more socially comfortable.
"The most effective way to address social challenges is to consult with a licensed mental health professional," Dr. Lyons says. "They can help you identify underlying concerns, develop coping strategies and work on improving your social skills in a supportive and non-judgmental environment."
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