How To Explain the 'Mental Load'

The mental load that parents carry is all too real—and far too heavy. If you're not familiar, mental load refers to the often invisible and continuous cognitive effort required to manage a household and family responsibilities; it describes the ongoing planning, organizing, scheduling, and anticipation of the family's needs (e.g. managing the grocery lists, scheduling doctor's appointments, remembering to buy birthday gifts , remembering when to do laundry, paying bills, and meal planning). So, it's not about performing physical tasks, but about keeping track of everything that needs to be done.

Depending on your family dynamics, who shoulders this responsibility will vary—but it tends to be the primary caregiver that carries the bulk of the mental load. It's common for this mental load to be something that the parent carrying it is aware of, while their partner isn't. What happens when you're parenting with someone that does not know or cannot understand how burnt out you might be?

Here we break down the best way to talk to your partner about feeling burnt out, including how to have real conversations on dividing labor.

How To Explain The Mental Load

The mental load is a term for the often unnoticed labor that a parent goes through when they take on most of the household work. Although research has shown that the mental load typically falls on women, any person in a primary parenting role is most likely to experience this.

Some parents that struggle with the mental load find that it is a challenging topic to discuss with their partners since it deals with the hidden labor that is required to carry out a task. This can lead to a lot of resentment and an unequal distribution of household labor . When one person is carrying the mental load, it's common for them to be the one to:

1. Know what needs to get done.
2. Choose how to delegate the task.
3. Ask the other person to do the task.
4. Follow up to ensure that it got done.

If you find yourself carrying the bulk of the mental load in your household, it can be helpful to share this experience with your partner. You and your partner can write down the tasks you both oversee and have conversations on how to fairly redistribute the labor. It's important to also communicate genuinely about the emotional toll that carrying this load has. Follow these steps to explain the mental load to your partner:

• Talk about the mental and emotional toll you carry, be honest about how you feel and what is bothering you.
• Instead of making a list and having your partner choose from the tasks, write the list together and discuss each of your strengths and capacities.
• Take some time to decide together how the responsibilities will be shared and what everyone's bandwidth is.
  

Following the re-division of labor, it's important to have regular conversations about your workload and how you can best accommodate one another to keep each other from feeling burnt out .

Should You Even Have To Tell Your Partner?

Some folks who bear the weight of the mental load feel that it is more work to have to explain this concept to their partners and are wondering if they should even have to tell their partner. Although the hope may be that your partner realizes your struggle without having it pointed out, even those that are closest to us or sharing a similar experience can't read our minds; it is always better to communicate your feelings and challenges than to suffer in silence.

It can be exhausting to oversee every task and you may begin thinking your partner is using weaponized incompetence to get by without having to do much ("I don't know how to schedule the appointment"). If you believe they are intentionally letting you carry the mental load, this can lead to a bigger issue down the line if it's not addressed. However, it's important to not assume that your partner has bad intentions, when they may just not have the lens or perspective, skills or experience that you might have.

What Is Weaponized Incompetence?

Weaponized incompetence is an internet term that is used to describe when people pretend to not understand how to carry out a task so that they are no longer asked to carry the task out again.

Despite how challenging it might be to voice your feelings to your partner, it's important that you give them a chance to do better.

How To Best Divide Labor

The best way to divide labor depends on what works for you and your household. You should explore and take into consideration each other's health, working hours , skills, strengths, and overall capacity before dividing tasks. Make sure to communicate with one another throughout the way about any invisible responsibilities that could be weighing on you, and hopefully, over time, no one will have to bear the weight of the mental load.

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