Reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhD Reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhD Kids go through lots of big and little things that can feel overwhelming or disheartening. Maybe they need to get through a scary math test or are having school-related anxiety about bullying that unfolded on the playground .
"Remember, children are sponges; they absorb so much of what is going on in their environment, even when you don't think they are listening," says Francyne Zeltser, PsyD , a child psychologist in Long Island, New York. It can be challenging to know how to help them through it beyond checking in and asking questions, but there are simple things you can say to help encourage them.
We spoke to experts on the best advice for kids when they need a little pick-me-up. So if your child is struggling and needs your help, here's five things to say.
"Your Feelings Are Valid"
"Before you get to the good, acknowledge what it is that's making your child feel down and validate their feelings," says Jaclyn Shlisky, PsyD , a licensed clinical psychologist who works with children in Boca Raton, Florida. She suggests actually digging into the negativity a bit and trying to refrain from saying "that's OK" or "it's OK," as you don't want your child to feel like you're erasing their thoughts and feelings.
Researchers have found that validation is critical because it can help with regulating distress, fostering learning, strengthening self-identity, and providing a sense of camaraderie. Invalidation, on the other hand, tells someone their description or feelings about their experiences are "wrong." Understandably, this can escalate negative emotions and damage relationships.
So, if your kindergartener says they're sad about missing a birthday party, show them you understand. Say something like: "I'm sad about that, too." Then, offer a coping statement to reframe the conversation. Say something like, "How about we plan what craft we can make for your friend's birthday and deliver it when you're feeling better?"
"There Is a Silver Lining"
Dr. Shlisky recommends the following pattern:
- Validating feelings
- Offering positive affirmations
- Following up with an activity to boost your child's excitement
Point out the silver linings. However bad something may seem, there's always a good aspect or "silver lining" to be found.
"It's important that your little ones have something new to look forward to almost every day," Dr. Shlisky says. Kids rely on predictable routines, which give them things to anticipate and look forward to. So, when they face disappointment , inserting something to anticipate can help them move forward.
Make it happen even if the "silver lining" is just a family walk after dinner, movie night, or a board game at lunchtime. It will make their day more than you can know.
"Try Again"
"When your child is struggling with an assignment, it's helpful to say something like, 'You feel like you're not good at this yet because you haven't practiced, but the more you practice, the better and better you will get,'" Dr. Shlisky says. It's important to emphasize the "yet" and follow up with an example about something you overcame with practice.
Then, make sure to recognize and point it out when your child is working at something, regardless of their result. "Even if your kindergartener is still struggling with subtraction, applaud their persistence and make an exaggerated effort to rejoice with them when they do finally succeed," she says.
Just be sure you're letting your child benefit from pushing through the challenge and resist the urge to take over . Researchers have found that kids tend to be less persistent when parents take over a difficult task for them.
You can reward your child for the small achievements , too. For every correct spelling on your child's writing assignment, for example, an M&M or a jellybean is OK! "Some kids need a little extra push, so if they are task-dependent for task completion, do what you have to do to help them and gradually decrease the treats as they start to get more correct answers," Dr. Shlisky suggests.
Some research indicates that giving children rewards for tasks they enjoy may decrease their enjoyment and their intrinsic motivation. Instead, give kids rewards for non-preferred, task-dependent activities, which can be very effective in motivating kids. The key to is give small immediate rewards and gradually fade them out as children develop more skills and independence.
"You Can Be Brave"
If you want your child to be brave, you should exemplify and call out bravery. "Allow your child to witness you stepping outside of your comfort zone," says Dr. Shlisky.
Learning how to ride a bike without training wheels , rollerblading, and cartwheeling are perfect opportunities for kids to practice being brave. Dr. Shlisky says that trying new things surrounded by family can help kids lean on parents and siblings for extra help.
If it's learning how to ride a two-wheeler, getting outside after lunch every day, and spending a couple of minutes on your bikes will show your child they have nothing to be scared of. If your child thinks dancing makes them look silly, have a dance party with them and go all out yourself (they'll love making fun of you and worry less about themselves!).
"When the moments happen when your character is tested in front of your child, show them the strength you possess to step out of your own comfort zone—you'll be building a sense of togetherness that they'll pick up on," Dr. Shlisky says.
"Find Your Calm"
Children get frustrated often throughout their childhood as they learn to be independent. However, they must learn to deal with frustration and process it in productive ways. You can help them process their frustrations faster by leading by example.
Take the time to connect with your child, listen to their frustrations and concerns, and try to understand why they're feeling the way they are. Say things like, "I can see you're feeling upset" or "You look really annoyed."
Acknowledging their disposition will help you get to the core of what's bugging them. Plus, naming the emotion helps kids learn how to word the physical sensations they experience.
Dr. Zeltser suggests brainstorming ways your child can calm down when they are starting to feel frustrated with schoolwork or having to stay inside on another rainy day. Some ideas are:
- Sit in a favorite chair or spot on the couch to decompress.
- Listen to a favorite song.
- Take 10 deep breaths with your eyes closed.
These meditative practices are all excellent ways to help your child regulate their emotions. In time, your child will make a habit of going to their quiet place and using whatever calming strategy works for them.
Key Takaway
When kids are struggling, it can be tempting to swoop in to try to solve their problems or eliminate the frustration. But these struggles can be opportunities for them to learn. By offering advice that affirms and supports them, you're giving them a gift of resiliency and persistence that will last a lifetime.
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