What Is Parallel Parenting? Creating a Plan for Your Family

Going through a divorce is always difficult and painful, but it can feel especially agonizing when you have kids together. One crucial step is deciding on a co-parenting plan —and for some families, it might be parallel parenting.

Parallel parenting often works for couples who have a high degree of conflict and difficulty communicating. It reduces the need for contact between the separated parents, letting each person have greater independence in child care.

Keep reading to learn more about parallel parenting, and decide whether it might be the right co-parenting strategy after your divorce.

What Is Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting is a co-parenting approach commonly adopted by divorced or separated parents experiencing high levels of conflict. A well-implemented parallel parenting plan reduces the need for communication between parents. This allows for greater independence and autonomy when making child care decisions.

Why Parents Might Choose Parallel Parenting

If you and your ex-spouse simply can’t agree on how to move forward after your separation, or you can’t communicate without arguments, a parallel parenting approach might be right for you.

Parallel parenting "can serve as a long-term strategy for parents struggling to communicate without conflict," says Kalley Hartman, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical director at Ocean Recovery in Newport Beach, California.

For other families, parallel parenting might be a short-term solution that eventually leads to a more cooperative co-parenting approach as tensions diminish.

Parallel Parenting vs. Co-Parenting

Co-parenting and parallel parenting are both strategies for parenting after divorce. The difference lies in the type and amount of collaboration that occurs between the parents. Below, we’ve highlighted some specific ways in which parallel parenting is different from a co-parenting approach .

Benefits of Parallel Parenting

According to the American Psychological Association , ongoing conflict between parents raises a child’s risk of "psychological and social problems." That's why it's important to reduce conflict between both parents as much as possible, especially after the upheaval of a divorce. For some families, parallel parenting might be the best way to do that.

Below, our experts have shared some advantages of parallel parenting after divorce:

• Reduced conflict exposure for kids
• Children can maintain relationships with both parents
• Less stress for both parents and kids
• Parents enjoy greater autonomy in decision making
• Both parents adhere to a predetermined schedule and set of guidelines, which makes logistics easier
• Parents can avoid direct communication if this works better for them

The goal of parallel parenting is to “minimize conflict through structure and clarity, allowing both parents to contribute meaningfully to their child's upbringing," adds Min Hwan Ahn , an attorney in Philadelphia.

Parellel Parenting Downsides

Of course, there are also downsides to parallel parenting. Minor rules might differ greatly between households, for example, leaving children confused about expectations. Also, living in multiple different environments can be disruptive to a child's routines .

How to Implement a Parallel Parenting Plan

If you decide on a parallel parenting plan, it might be created during the divorce proceedings.

In most cases, parents will work with their legal representatives to draw up guidelines that cover important aspects, such as emergency situations, holidays, or other big decisions. Then, almost everything else is handled by each parent separately when they have custody of the children .

Ahn suggests making your plan legally enforceable to ensure fairness and to prevent one parent from violating the terms of the agreement.

What to Include in Your Plan

Most parallel parenting plans consist of clear and enforceable guidelines for each parent to follow, so it’s vital to address a comprehensive list of topics. According to Hartman, some of the things you’ll want to include in your parallel parenting plan are:

• A schedule detailing the time spent with each parent , including weekends, holidays, and special occasions
• Logistics of custodial exchanges (pick-ups and drop-offs)
• Daily routines
• Educational responsibilities
• Health care decisions
• Financial obligations
• Rules for emergency situations, specifying what constitutes an emergency and how it should be handled
• How to manage cancellations, delays, and rescheduling
• Guidelines for communication

Most importantly, "include a clause that allows for periodic reviews of the plan to adapt to your child's changing needs or unforeseen circumstances,” says Hartman. This can reduce unnecessary future communication that might increase the chance for ongoing conflict.

Thinking About the Kids

When making a parallel parenting plan, you want to think about the kids. Research shows that children in high-conflict families can actually fare better after a divorce, but even so, it's important to ease their transition. That's because any divorce has been linked to academic difficulties, behavioral issues, mental health problems, and engagement in risky behaviors. Check in regularly about your child's thoughts and emotions, and don't be afraid to seek outside help if needed.

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Read the original article on Parents .