The Mental Load for Parents Is Real—Here's How To Manage It

Parents Editor-in-Chief Grace Bastidas joins Verywell Mind for a very important conversation.

While the mental load has always existed, it's only intensified in the modern world of parenting. So much so that the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy , recently issued an advisory emphasizing just how much stress parents are facing today.

The reports highlights statistics from the American Psychological Association (APA) which found 41% of parents with children under 18 say they are so stressed they can't function on most days. Meanwhile, 48% say their stress is completely overwhelming. These numbers are more than double compared to other adults without kids in that age group.

Why is that the case and what can parents do about it?

For Project Healthy Minds ' World Mental Health Day Festival, Parents Editor-in-Chief Grace Bastidas joined Founding Director of The Motherhood Center of New York Paige Bellenbaum and licensed therapist Kier Gaines to discuss the mental load and ways to manage it, in a panel moderated by Verywell Mind and Parents' Rachel Berman .

What the Mental Load Looks Like

Put simply, the mental load describes the cognitive and emotional labor needed for a parent to run their household. The list is usually very long—think scheduling doctor’s appointments and activities, doing laundry, making meals, paying bills, dealing with any potential roadblocks, checking in on children's needs, and so much more.

"The mental load is the invisible labor—the things we do, that we cannot see," explains Bellenbaum. "It's mothers and fathers being in a constant state of thinking about what's happening right now, what needs to happen tomorrow, the next month, the next year."

The mental load can be detrimental to your health , leading to stress, anxiety, sleep deprivation, and even an increased risk of chronic disease. It can also strain relationships at home and work.

The term may be fresh but the idea of the mental load isn't a new concept. In fact, the first Parents editor's letter, published in October 1926, highlighted the difficult task of raising children, how parents often blame themselves when things go wrong, and feeling "worried," "bewildered," and "stressed out."

But the mental load may be worse than it's ever been as societal expectations and pressures have increased. There's a rising cost of child care and college tuition, tech and social media concerns , school violence, and experiencing a pandemic that turned lives upside down.

Plus, various factors can add to the mental load in different households.

Moms often carry the burden

Research has found that moms in heterosexual relationships typically shoulder more of the mental load than their partners. A recent study, published in the Archives of Women’s Mental Health , found moms on average report being responsible for about 73% of the cognitive household labor in their homes compared to their partners. They are also responsible for about 64% of the physical household labor.

The uneven split can greatly impact a mom's mental health, leading to higher levels of depression, stress, relationship dissatisfaction, and burnout .

Cultural stigma plays a role

The mental load can sometimes look different based on one's culture. That can be because of cultural norms on gender roles or shame preventing one from seeking help.

"For so long, there's been this cultural stigma around mental health in the Latine community, and this idea that you would go and share your worries and your dirty laundry outside your family was really taboo," explains Bastidas. "We're seeing change, and we're seeing this generation embrace mental health and get the care that they deserve."

Dads and societal pressures

Even though we often hear how the mental load impacts moms, it exists for dads, too.

Fathers also deal with their own societal pressures, such as feeling constrained to take on a specific role. What's more, they struggle to seek mental health support , in part due to stigma. A Parents and Verywell Mind survey found 2 in 3 dads think there should be more mental health support for fathers, and many feel judged when they talk about their mental health.

It often comes down to traditional male stereotypes, says Gaines. "Masculine ideology is super dependent on self-reliance, in the masking of vulnerabilities, almost to the complete elimination of demonstrating help-seeking behaviors," he says.

Ways To Lessen the Mental Load

The good news is people are paying attention to parental stress, especially the maternal mental health crisis. Bellenbaum says she's hopeful that better policies will help make maternal mental health care accessible and affordable.

In the meantime, the experts offer ways to lighten the burden of the mental load at home.

Push back against unrealistic standards

"As parents, we feel like we have to constantly engage, entertain, educate our children," says Bastidas, adding that we are often left asking ourselves, "Am I doing enough?"

She also points out many parents fall victim to social media comparison, making them feel they are falling short in some way. "These pressures are just unrealistic," she says.

Gaines points out, "Comparison becomes a problem when you use it as a tool to make yourself feel bad." It can help to filter out what kind of information you are being exposed to.

"Monitor what you see. Pay attention to how you respond to it," he says, adding, "just realize that if you see it on a screen, it's probably not 100% true."

Find a strong support system

The experts stress it's critical for parents to build a strong support system and know it's OK to ask for help.

Bellenbaum calls the healing power of community "one of the most powerful ingredients." It's something she's seen from decades of experience at The Motherhood Center, which specializes in treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders .

"When you are able to feel seen, heard, taken seriously, less isolated and alone in your struggle, and you are allowed to feel that connection with other people that are going through exactly the same thing as you, it feels just a little bit less hard," she says.

Bastidas understands this firsthand too, often finding encouragement from close friends who cheer her on when it's needed.

"Connect with other parents that are also in the trenches, that can offer encouragement and support," suggests Bastidas. "It starts with rejecting this idea that we need to go at it alone."

Gaines adds it's necessary for fathers to have a group they can turn to have vulnerable conversations. "If you're a husband and a father, you need other husbands and fathers," he says. "People who identify with your experiences and who can give you advice from experiential context."

And if you have a partner, have conversations with them about the best ways to divide the mental load .

Embrace being a good enough parent

Bellenbaum points to Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst who coined the term "good enough mother" in 1953.

"His whole theory was around, if we fail our children in manageable ways, it is healthy for them," explains Bellenbaum. "The world outside is not perfect, right? Bad things happen. Hard things happen. We have emotions from sadness to anger to all across the board. If we try to show up perfect, we are not preparing our children for the real world."

It's important for parents to relinquish some control and stop trying to do everything right.

"We need to treat ourselves as a friend and show ourselves some self-compassion, knowing when it's good enough and moving on," says Bastidas.

Focus on self-care

Parents should also make it a point to carve out time for themselves, even if it's just to rest. "I am trying to teach that to my daughters for whatever their lives become," says Bastidas. "I want them to know that they should prioritize themselves and their own care."

Bastidas urges parents to find their non-negotiables. "That thing, or those things, that you do every single week that are necessary for your well-being," she says. Then make sure to write it on your family's calendar and be consistent with it. "It will help you regain that sense of self, who you are, that you matter," she says. "It will re-energize you."

And take the time to "lean out" when you need to, says Bellenbaum. What does that mean? "It's so important that we give ourselves permission to step away," she says. "It's going to get done. It's just not going to get done exactly the way that we do it. And that's OK."

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