Is ‘Don’t Talk to Strangers’ Still Good Advice? Here’s Why We May Need a More Nuanced Approach

Experts weigh in on how we can keep our kids safe while also allowing them to flex their social skills in public.

With new information comes the ability to make different decisions. That’s why so many parents are reevaluating their stances on things like sleepovers, “sharenting” , and allowing others to watch their kids. On top of that, people are in general a bit less social now (thanks pandemic!).

So, in addition to worrying about our children’s safety in the world, we’re also worrying about the social demands we face when they happen to engage a perfect stranger in public. How awkward is it to smile politely while also trying to move your child along at the grocery store?

If you have a child like the adorable one featured in these TikTok videos posted by @mia.ariannaa , you’ve probably thought about how sweet it is to have such a confident and social kid.

But you may have also worried about how these characteristics could put your child in danger or yourself in a position of discomfort.

Both of these videos have over 20 million views and over 3 million likes combined, with a large number commenters praising the child's manners and outgoing personality. However, some do make note of their own social anxieties as parents and how these types of interactions are tough for them.

We asked experts how parents can balance celebrating wonderful qualities like friendliness in their kids while also managing any residual anxiety.

Is Every Stranger a Danger?

One of the first social safety lessons we teach our kids is "don't talk to strangers." For kids, it can actually be tough to really interpret that phrase without context. After all, we want our kids to be able to talk to their teachers or doctors, who begin as strangers. We want them to learn how to ask for help, or order a meal, or make a new friend. All those things require talking to a stranger on some level, and the skills they build doing these things will serve them throughout their lives.

Former FBI special agent and CIA agent Tracy Walder says going with a more nuanced piece of advice can better serve kids.

“It is not in the best interest of my child or any other child, for them to think all strangers are bad," Walder says. “Teachers, members of their clergy, law enforcement [are all there for support]. There's a difference between talking to a stranger alone and needing help. If [a child] finds themselves alone and in trouble or in dire need of help, they do need to know that it is acceptable to ask a stranger."

Walder goes on to say that saying "hello" to someone they don't know in public–just like the child in the video does–is perfectly fine, but, "I always feel parents should be frank and let their kids know to never go anywhere or take anything from a stranger.”

Balancing Social Instincts and Safety

So how do we plant the seeds of being friendly without being too trusting? Reena B. Patel, LEP, BCBA, parenting expert, and positive psychologist says it's about awareness more than restriction.

“It's important to teach [kids] the difference between someone they know and can trust and someone they do not know, and how their interactions should differ. It is ok to allow conversations in public, but give them real-life examples of what to be aware of concerning behavior, then what to do about it,” she explains.

For younger kids who may not be as intuitive, Patel says parents have to pick up the awareness slack by watching for any red flags and trusting their gut. Yes, we may dread having to do "small talk" with strangers because our kid happens to speak to them, but we can use the opportunity to observe more than engage.

As for kids who do tend to pick up on negative energies and red flags, be sure to not ignore their messaging to avoid social awkwardness. If your child feels uncomfortable with an interaction, they don’t need to engage for the sake of politeness.

Patel mentions a couple of ground rules to make sure kids know:

“It's important to teach them that adults don't ask kids for help," she says. "Kids should never follow adults if they are asking to show them something without their parent/guardian also coming with them. Also, observe how adults are acting vs. what they are telling you.”

Walder is admittedly cautious about everyone she encounters. In light of that, does she think the TikTok child's interactions are safe?

“So, surprisingly, I do not take issue with this,” she says. “From what I can tell, his mom is right behind him [while he is interacting with strangers]. If a parent is with the child [and attentive], I don’t view this as a necessarily dangerous situation. If the child is alone, then of course that’s problematic.”

Engagement Isn't Always a Must

Teaching kids good manners is obviously important, but it’s also important that kids know they aren't required to give anyone immediate engagement–especially if they don't know them.

Some kids may take longer to open up, and that’s okay. If they don't respond right away to someone saying "hi" to them or asking for their name, society (and even us as parents) will be tempted to label them as being "shy". Patel says putting this type of label on a child is never helpful. It can instead take their agency away.

“Always remind kids that they can walk away, don't need to people please, and don't need to continue the conversation if they are at all uncomfortable," she advises. "You can create a family code word that is a second layer of protection as well when communicating with strangers.”

Avoiding people pleasing goes for parents, too! Politeness over people pleasing all the way!

In the end, it’s important for our kids to know that their level of engagement is their choice, and to always keep themselves safe by being aware of their feelings and surroundings.

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