Falling Out of Love? Here Are 9 Expert-Backed Signs & How to Handle Them
By Sarah Ashley,
2024-09-02
Falling in love is a magical, natural process. Our brains go nuts, releasing the same chemicals discharged during a crisis . Love even mimics the high sensation one feels while on cocaine. This is natural, but it’s also unsustainable. When the initial flame of infatuation subsides, we either settle into a steady, loving partnership or we let the romance fizzle out and move on. Sometimes, the slow burn is confusing, and it becomes hard to tell if we’re in love at all anymore.
According to Simone Collins, who co-authored the bestselling book The Pragmatist's Guide to Relationships with her husband, falling out of love is just as natural as falling into it. It is no one’s fault. Love may disappear slowly over time or suddenly after a traumatic event. Partners may confuse infatuation for love , so they assume the romance is done as soon as things begin to cool. The truth is, people fall out of love for any number of reasons. It may even happen several times over the course of a lengthy relationship.
Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, Ed.S., a licensed marriage and family therapist , says the longer a couple has been in a relationship, the more likely it is they’ll go through a period or two during which they are sure the love is gone. Whether or not you let that feeling take over is entirely up to you.
If you think you might be falling out of love and need to know how to navigate the process, don’t beat yourself up over it—and don’t jump to conclusions. Below are some signs you might be falling out of love, and how to deal with it.
1. Resentment: Feeling Unappreciated or Unsupported
Letting resentment simmer without talking about its source is a big indicator that you may be falling out of love. (It’s also a great way to destroy relationships from within.) Resentment is also classified as bitterness and it often develops when one partner feels underappreciated or unsupported.
“Resentment may start out slowly,” says Arzt. “But over time, it can transform into resenting everything from the dishes, to the sound of their voice, to their haircut. At this point, you're not able to see your partner's attributes.”
Feeling resentful doesn’t automatically mean you’ve fallen out of love, but it can definitely set you on that path if you don’t deal with it.
2. Indifference: Lack of Interest in Your Partner
Love is a strong emotion, as is hate. Indifference, though, is the complete absence of feeling. If you find yourself totally disinterested in what your partner thinks, feels, says or does, it’s likely that loving feeling is gone. Arzt adds people who “only do the bare minimum” may be falling out of love.
“They may oblige with date night, but they feel restless and bored,” she says. “You may spend time with [your] partner, but you keep conversations light and on the surface level.”
Indifference may also look like actively deciding not to ask your partner questions. If you couldn’t care less about a project of theirs or don’t want to hear about their thoughts on a topic, it could mean you’re falling out of love.
3. No Desire for Time Together: Preferring Time Apart
Now, if you’ve been living in close quarters with your partner for a while, you may be desperate to spend time away from them. That’s normal. We. Get. It. But, if you genuinely have no desire to even be in the same room as them, it could be a sign of a larger problem.
Arzt says folks who would rather spend all of their free time with other friends—or literally anyone else—may be falling out of love. “It's really important to acknowledge this phenomenon internally if this is happening to you,” she says. “Acknowledgment doesn't mean you're doomed- it means you're recognizing that you're going through something.”
4. Emotional Connections Elsewhere: Sharing Feelings with Others
Honest emotional connection and communication is fundamental to being in and maintaining a loving relationship. When you begin turning to friends, co-workers or family members with your feelings before confiding in your partner, it could be a sign that you no longer love that person. (It can also be a symptom of distrust, which is a completely different issue.)
Unloading emotions on someone outside the relationship can be incredibly tempting, especially during a difficult time. “Someone at work who is sympathetic and doesn’t make demands can be very appealing,” says Tessina.
But it’s unfair to your partner because it doesn’t give them a chance to know you better. Self-disclosure is essential to healthy, intimate relationships; confiding in someone else means you’d rather not open yourself up to your partner.
5. Badmouthing: Criticizing Your Partner to Others
Lightheartedly complaining about your partner’s annoying habits to friends is not an indicator that your marriage is over. Everyone needs to vent now and then. However, when small quips turn into long discussions about your dissatisfaction with the relationship, it veers into problematic territory. These issues should be brought up with your partner directly.
6. Lack of Intimacy: No Desire for Physical Closeness
Sexual relationships are full of peaks and valleys. Medication, trauma and stress can dramatically affect your libido. However, if you find yourself completely unattracted to your partner sexually, you may be falling out of love. You could also just be going through a dry spell.
7. No Future Plans: Not Envisioning a Future Together
Speaking of the future, if you have zero interest in thinking of something fun or exciting to do with your partner next week or next year, your love could be dissolving. Planning for the future together can help build trust, providing a sense of support and security, and ultimately increasing levels of intimacy, experts say .
8. Overly Critical: Focusing on Flaws
You used to find the way they chew their food and the wiggle in their nose so endearing. Now, those idiosyncratic habits are annoying, and you find yourself constantly pointing them out, in addition to all of their other flaws. When you’ve reached the point in your relationship where you find it hard to empathize, accommodate or be a bit more understanding of your partner, it may be time to bow out of the relationship.
9. Defensiveness: Unwilling to Listen to Concerns
Conversely, if you find that you’re not willing to listen to your partner’s concerns and grievances, you may be falling out of love. When you were in the throes of the relationship, there was nothing you wouldn’t do to ensure that their needs were met. Being too defensive and dismissive may be a sign that you simply don’t care as much.
Addressing Relationship Issues: What to Do About Falling Out of Love
1. Acknowledge the Signs: Recognize the Signs of Falling Out of Love Early
Answering “Yes, that’s me!” to any of the above signs does not mean your relationship is over. It simply means the partnership needs attention. First and foremost, figure out if this is a chronic issue. Relationships have ups and downs. Having one or two bad days every now is perfectly natural. However, when those one-offs become trends, it can be the sign of a bigger problem.
2. Reflect on the Relationship: Determine if the Relationship Is Still Serving Both Parties
To figure out how you really feel, try journaling regularly and tracking your feelings. Revisit these entries and notes over time to see how frequently you’re having doubts about your love. Check in with close friends or family members to see if they’ve noticed a shift in your behavior or emotional state. You may not even notice how frequently you complain about your partner or how drastically your happiness levels have plummeted.
Hot tip: While embarking on this journey, don’t give up until you’ve given it the consideration it deserves. “Keep on with the good behaviors you have always counted on,” says O’Neill. “Don't punish each other before you've had a chance to talk and reflect and understand each other.”
3. Communicate Openly: Have honest Conversations with Your Partner.
This is not a time to be cagey about what you want and need; your partner isn't a mind reader, so it's essential to be as open and honest with them as possible in order to come to a resolution. Are tough conversations the most comfortable conversations to have? No way, but the alternative (skirting around the real issues) will only lead to continued struggles.
4. Identify What You Envision for Your Future
For anyone neglecting to make future plans with their partner, consider what it is you envision for your future. Then, what do you want in a lifelong partner? Coming to this internal awareness of what it is you truly want will be the most helpful in moving forward and will help you communicate what you want (or don’t) for your future with your partner in a vulnerable and honest way.
5. Tackle Resentment Right Away
As soon as you sense resentment brewing, deal with it at the source. If you avoid it, bitterness has a way of spreading, multiplying and infecting other areas of the relationship. Avoid keeping score or tracking how many times your partner does something “wrong." If you start looking for things that are wrong, you will find them. The worst thing you can do is dwell on the thoughts for months and allow your brain to create something that's not really there.
6. Discuss and Reinvest in Your Shared Values
Think back on why you fell in love in the first place. What values and goals did you share with your partner? Be open with your partner as you discuss whether these values and goals have changed.
“The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed,” says Tessina. “What makes love last is an attitude of ‘I want both you and me to get what we want in this relationship.’”
It’s normal that as people evolve, so do their values and goals . If it turns out that initial flame (infatuation) was the only thing holding you together, it’s worth reassessing whether the relationship is still serving both parties.
Be sure to practice active listening during any and all discussions. Avoid distractions and be genuinely curious about what your partner is going through, too.
7. Seek Help: Consider Counseling or Advice from Relationship Experts
There is no shame in asking for help. This could mean being mentored by another couple who has been through the ringer and survived. It could mean going to couples counseling .
Whatever it is, it’s a great idea whether you’re falling out of love or not. Why wait until things are horrible? Investing in a romantic relationship before things get really bad is a beautiful demonstration of love.
Finally, know you are not alone. Falling out of love isn’t fun, but again, it’s natural. How you navigate it will determine how hard it hits you.
8. Take Action: Decide Whether to Work on Rekindling the Connection or to Part Ways Amicably
Once you've had open, honest conversations about where you're headed as a couple, don't drag things out further by continuing to hem and haw. Regardless of whether you've decided to part ways or try to make it work, commit to a plan and start taking steps to follow through with it.
9. Don’t Force It
Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and your partner is to call it quits. Though fighting for your relationship is always encouraged, sometimes you know that no amount of therapy or long in-depth conversations is going to salvage the situation. If you’re falling out of love and no longer see a future with that person, save everyone some time by graciously walking away .
10. Prioritize Self-Care: Ensure Both Partners Focus on Their Well-Being Throughout the Process
The end of a relationship—especially one that's gone on for years—can be heartbreaking, which is why it's crucial for you and your partner to prioritize healing during this transitional time. Lean on friends, family and maybe even mental health professionals for support and remember to be kind to yourself and recognize that while things may feel really hard right now, you ultimately know what's best for you.
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