The 5-Word-Phrase Every Kid Needs to Hear, from Toddler to Teen

During a recent company outing, I was chatting with a colleague about the trials and tribulations of dealing with her teenage son. He’s on the cusp of adulthood…with a lot of questions about the future. It’s bright, but also scary. College decisions, job searching, processing global news events: The overwhelm is real. Sometimes her son comes to her for advice, other times he just storms around hoping she’d intuit that he wants it. Either way, she spent years worrying she didn’t have the answers, or that he’d just blow up in her face if she tried to provide them.

But then she clued me in to this pitch-perfect five-word phrase-turned-confidence booster she relies on in times like this: I have faith in you.

Here’s why it works. Teenagers need their parents to help them grow, but not grow for them, says Dr. Meghan Walls, a pediatric psychologist and director of external affairs at Nemours Children’s Health . “Whether our kids are two or 21, the best thing we can do is to ask them open-ended questions and then stop and listen. The beauty of it is that you’re instilling in your child that you not only have confidence in their ideas, but that you trust their instincts too,” she says.

This is especially true for the teenage set. “If we solve problems for teens, we are actually working against their biological brain development,” Dr. Walls explains. “The amygdala is the part of the brain that is kind of impulsive and leads us to make more risky decisions, but that frontal lobe is in development for the entirety of your teenage years. If teens don’t need to use it—meaning parents continually swoop in to problem-solve and supply their version of the right answers—teens don’t make mistakes, self-correct and learn.” (BTW, being confused about decisions and making mistakes is a critical part of growing up, adds Dr. Walls.)

The best part? A phrase like “I have faith in you” works for any age group. Take preschoolers, for example. My son kept forgetting that he had to return his school library books, which made him (and me) feel stressed. My initial instinct was to set a reminder in my phone, but instead, I prodded him for the solution with a side of encouragement (“I have faith that you can figure this out”). He came up with a system of placing his bag of books by the door the minute he brought them home—and retrieving and returning each title from there. This significantly reduced any forgetfulness and left him feeling proud of his problem-solving skills.

Again, as parents, we don’t have all the answers. But a gentle reminder that we trust our children to make the right choices can be enough to help them persevere.

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