Chances are, you know a toxic person (or possibly more than one). Maybe it’s your boss , your mother-in-law or even your friend . But the question is… do they know they’re toxic? Which leads to another question—what if, plot twist, this is a case of… it’s not you …it’s me? Yikes. Well, if you’re wondering, “Am I toxic?”, first, kudos to you for your self awareness. (It hurts!) Second, no need to panic. If you think you may be exhibiting toxic behaviors , here’s a checklist of ten questions to run through, plus actionable tips to stop this damaging behavior in its tracks, from a psychologist.
Meet the Expert
Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a NYC-based neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the Mind , a diagnostic and treatment center for neuropsychological, psychiatric and educational difficulties. She received her doctorate from Hofstra University and completed her postdoctoral work in neuro-developmental psychology at Coney Island Hospital in Brooklyn, NY.
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What Defines a Toxic Person?
“A ‘toxic person’ is someone whose behavior, attitudes, or actions are consistently harmful or stressful to others,” Dr. Hafeez tells me. “This toxicity might take the form of someone who’s a manipulator, a negative person, a bully or aggressive, or someone who’s emotionally unavailable or unsupportive.” We all probably know someone like this, who makes it stressful to be in their presence. The causes are many, but can include unresolved trauma and emotional pain, mental health conditions like borderline personality disorder, jealousy, low self-esteem and a desire for control.
“Toxic behavior can also be learned from family members, social settings or past partners,” the expert adds. “Someone growing up in a toxic environment is more likely to embody those characteristics.” What it really boils down to is a lack of empathy , as Dr. Hafeez notes that toxic people lack the availability to understand others’ emotions.
So what if that’s you? “Managing toxic behavior often involves a mix of self-awareness, professional help, and personal growth, with an understanding of what drives the behavior, often leading to better management or mitigation of its impact on oneself and others,” she says. Below are ten traits a toxic person might exhibit—plus some actionable tips on how to address them.
1. “Do I often feel jealous about other people’s success, regardless of hard work or merit?”
Look, it’s normal for envy to rear its ugly head at some point in every relationship, friendship or career. But if you can’t acknowledge that your friend who’s been working 60-hour weeks for years deserves her big promotion, well, then you might be dealing with some narcissistic tendencies. You know the kind: inflated self-importance, an intense need for admiration, a lack of empathy. “This might manifest as vainness, needing constant praise, or inability to acknowledge when others have a greater claim to success,” Dr. Hafeez notes. So if you find that your jealousy is more than a little out of hand…that might be a clue.
2. “It’s fine to lie to someone if it means getting what I want—true or false?”
There’s a difference between a white lie (like telling someone their new haircut looks nice even if it doesn’t) and a manipulative one (like asking your friend for money and promising you’ll pay them back next week…even when you have no intention of doing so). If you answered true to the above and find yourself frequently leaning on excessive guilt, flattery or deceit to gain influence over someone, you are exhibiting textbook manipulation.
3. “Am I constantly thinking about the worst possible outcome (and letting people know about it)?”
Yes, the world is on fire. But no, that doesn’t give you the right to be a Negative Nelly 24/7. “Chronic negativity individuals view the world in a perpetually gloomy light and often expect a negative outcome to every possible situation,” Dr. Hafeez says. “They tend to be chronic complainers, critics, or people who cannot find the silver lining.” Think: Your sister is super excited for her bachelorette party this weekend and you consider it your duty to inform her that there’s a 25 percent chance of rain. Or your partner wants to surprise you with a homecooked meal, and you just know they’re going to make you something you won’t like so you pick up some takeout on the way home just in case. While impending doom is tempting, it’s also exhausting.
4. “Do I often avoid saying what I really mean and expect others to pick up on the subtext?”
If this is you then you may often resort to backhanded compliments (“you’re so brave to wear that dress!”), leading questions (“you wouldn’t want to disappoint mom by not coming to Sunday dinner, right?”), and the requisite “fine” reply when…it’s really not. Passive-aggression seems like a way to diffuse conflict, but it can manifest as a toxic trait. “Instead of expressing their anger or frustration directly, passive-aggressive people indirectly say what they think or feel,” Dr. Hafeez explains, leaving everyone else to guess what they *actually* mean (or face the consequences).
5. “Do I have a compulsion to strong-arm others into doing what I want?”
OK, firstborns, don’t @ me. But yes, we have a tendency to be bossy, and that snowballs into being domineering . (Though, it’s not just us.) What does that look like? According to Dr. Hafeez, that might mean you need to make all the decisions, ignore other people’s opinions and impose your way of doing things on other people. You know, like that time you hosted Thanksgiving dinner and spent 20 minutes showing everyone exactly how to properly mash the potatoes—and then lost it when Aunt Marge went for the hand mixer instead (too much air!). And they haven’t asked you to host since.
7. “Do I avoid taking responsibility for my mistakes?”
“People who shirk responsibility are prone to blaming others for their mistakes,” Dr. Hafeez says. “They might, for example, deny they did something wrong, blame others, or make excuses for their own failures.” And let’s be honest, a person who can never take responsibility is no fun to be around. If you struggle with this, it may be a sign that you need to confront an underlying issue like fear of inadequacy. Because if it’s always someone else’s fault, you’re never wrong…right?
8. “Do I use violence or intimidation to achieve my goals?”
Similar to the trait of dominant behavior, aggression is another toxic trait that may use violence to achieve an end. You may be thinking, “Whoa, violence! I’ve never punched anyone.” However, violent behavior isn’t restrained to physical harm. Dr. Hafeez explains that this may be present as being hostile, shouting, making threats or bullying others, which makes them feel unsafe. Think: Flying off the handle whenever your mother makes an offhanded (but well-meaning) comment, and taunting her by saying she doesn’t love you and you’ll never speak to her again.
9. “Do I enjoy stirring the pot between friends and family members?”
“Those who thrive on drama tend to create conflict where it doesn't exist or make situations bigger than they are. They might gossip, blow things out of proportion or cause drama so that they can swoop in and ‘rescue’ the situation.” Dr. Hafeez says. Before you start running your mouth at brunch with the fam that your grandmother is definitely cutting your problematic cousin out of the will, think about why you’re wanting to share the gossip or fan a flame.
10. “Do I struggle to connect with others and shirk away from vulnerability?”
Do you find yourself frequently feeling detached and experience difficulty connecting to others? You might be exhibiting emotional unavailability. Dr. Hafeez says this can present as lack of responsiveness to others’ emotions, avoiding vulnerable discussions or feeling an acute aloofness. That can manifest as changing the subject just as your best friend is about to share that her dog just died, or feeling apathy when your sister says you hurt her feelings.
What to Do If You Notice Toxic Traits in Yourself
While it’d be nice to just “take a deep breath” or “ask yourself why you feel the need to [insert toxic behavior here]”—which are both good tactics—it’s not always that easy. In addition to requiring a great deal of self-awareness, sometimes, you don’t know why. So what can you do about it?
Dr. Hafeez advises that once you begin to recognize these behaviors in yourself, the first thing you should do is carve out some time to reflect.
“Try keeping a journal or finding a meditative practice to help you understand why you act the way you do and how those behaviors impact the people around you,” she says. “You can reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or colleague for feedback as well to learn what your behavior is communicating to others.” Then, she suggests practicing empathy. “Try to imagine how they're feeling. You can actively listen to their concerns and use empathy exercises to hone your sensitivity.”
Another practice you can cultivate is that of controlling emotion. Activities like mindfulness and relaxation, plus finding healthy ways to release emotion (like running, taking a bath), can help you foster a mindset of calm.
Once you’ve done the above, the next part is a little trickier. “Take responsibility for your actions. When your behavior has hurt others, the first step is to acknowledge and apologize sincerely to them. You then need to commit to making changes so that trust can be rebuilt,” Dr. Hafeez says. What does that look like? Pursuing self-development, which could encompass self-help books , working on your communication, workshops and even seeking professional help via a therapist or counselor. They can help you get to the root of toxic tendencies, which can be things like unresolved trauma or mental health issues.
Ultimately, don’t forget to also give yourself some grace. “Changing deeply ingrained behavioral patterns takes time and effort,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Go easy on yourself and stick with it, celebrating your small victories as you go.”
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